Sorry to hear about that. And I suspect you're in for more of it as he, who doesn't seem to have any real idea what he wants from life or marriage or anything really bounces back and forth on this decision until you finally make it for him and send him away.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
I saw Alton Brown do a cooking demonstration, and had a chance to meet him in person. He has his own MO on TV, but I can guarantee you his an alpha male, and so would the several thousand females I saw fawning over him at the demonstration. I would suggest that not all alpha males are cut from the same cloth. Perhaps this other fellow would be able to out-alpha male (what did bf call it ... AMOG? ... whatever that means) Alton, but I personally admire many of Alton's personality traits.
But back to more important issues.
/end{hijack}
Very sorry to hear about this Fran. I wish you the best possible outcome.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
I hope things will work out better in your sich but you would be very wise if you would take note of my story and prepare for:
1) Repeated attempts to reconcile with you once he realizes the depth of his dependency. My advice would be to listen to the substance of what he is saying rather than reacting to the emotional content.
2) Complete melt-down on his end which will leave you coping as a single mother without support.
I was interested to read about how his extended family is supporting you. The same thing occurred in my sich. It's really kind of sad because I have always been nicer to my 2bxMIL than most of her real children and she really misses me at the holidays.
With hindsight is 20/20 vision, I think the only thing you or I might have attempted better would have been to be more "strong bunny" but that's very difficult in a situation where a guy isn't acting at all Alpha and there are children involved.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Well CE and Mojo have both hit the nail on the head that H would bounce back and forth with attempt to reconcile. His text to me on Weds morning to say he was feeling panicked and could we talk resulted in a totally stupid discussion regarding what his complaints are - "don't cook for me because you're a terrible cook/why do I never get any dinner" "now I'm doing all my own laundry what do I need a wife for" (he took over doing his laundry because I didn't always get ALL his shirts in the wash in time for the cleaner to iron them when she comes on Fridays. Apart from the first couple of weeks he has never achieved this feat either.) And get this - "there's no point us having sex because I've told you the coil threads make it painful for me" WTF?!? he's told me ONCE that it's a little unconfortable in some positions. Apparently this has been the case since it was put in 4 years ago and it's been getting worse. So now I know why I'm on SSM.
So that's is his laundry list of things a good wife ought to be doing for him.
Don't count: Mothering his kids 90% of the time Doing ALL the grocery shopping - including hauling it all home Organising house repairs Repainting the bathroom Working 3 days a week Organising house remortgage Day to day housework Walking the dog (he's dropped doing his share of that) Tending to the Garden
NOT servicing the car NOT managing the household finances
These last two are things he agreed to take over when I went back to work because I was doing 100% of all domestic duties leaving him free to concentrate solely on breadwinner role.
The car got clamped in August because the tax disc was out of date, because the car hadn't been serviced and tested roadworthy so it wasn't possible to renew the tax disc. So guess who goes to the car licensing office to pay the fine, renew the disc, and then take the car to be MOT'd (roadworthiness test). It's still not had a proper service.
This last month or two has been a nightmare on the household finances because we finally reached the limit of our overdraft, a couple of heavy expenses came through and I had to go and raid the kids college fund to tide us over. This is purely and simply bad management, as when I was doing it (and not working therefore not earning) we managed on less money and it never came to that.
Anyway all that aside, as I say it was a completely pointless discussion. He backpedaled completely on the idea that he is done. Totally DENIED that he said he is leaving. This is total BULLSH!T I would not be on the point of considering whether to let his parents know if he hadn't come off as 100% sincere, and that I was 100% sincere in acknowledging that decision. The only reason I didn't say - well you might not have had enough but I have - is that he would have succeeded yet again in making it all my fault. Over the last day or two I'm beginning not to care about that. If it's my fault/his fault who cares. I know this R is doomed, it can't get better, it's not doing the kids any good and my life is on hold unless I take control of it again.
He has said ILY at least 3 times since this happened. I have not answered him. Last night I got home from my book club Xmas outing at about 1am. Still buzzed I set about decluttering the living room and kitchen ready for the cleaner's weekly visit. Cursing H for not doing it but not at all expecting that he would have. While I was doing this, he came downstairs, apologised for not doing it and took over. I went upstairs to pick stuff up around the bedroom and then went to bed.
This goody two-shoes behaviour on his part is surely that of a man who knows he's living on borrowed time.
The worst part is knowing that as Eddie says I'M going to have to send him on his way. I knew it was too easy when he'd said he'd had enough and all I had to do was say "well done for being brave enough to say so".
Time for me to be brave. Just what you need 2 weeks before Christmas.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Isn't M fun sometimes? Sorry to hear you are going through this Fran.
Quote:
I know this R is doomed, it can't get better, it's not doing the kids any good and my life is on hold unless I take control of it again.
I could have written that, except I always tell myself the kids are better off with us together, so I keep plugging away. But I think I can relate to how you feel. A part of me would be relieved to have my H say "done." I could just agree and go on my merry way. Is it we lack bravery? I don't know. I think we are fighters and just can't say die. Maybe it is time for you to do what You really want to do now and move forward. The alcoholism would clinch it for me and most people I'd think.
Here's an email I'm about to send to H: __________________________ We still need to do more talking. I think the decision you came to on Tuesday night was the sensible one and then you took fright and tried to retract. Of course it's frightening - I'm bloody terrified - but we can do this and hopefully both move on to happier lives. I'm perfectly happy to continue to belong to your extended family and for you to belong to mine - I just don't think we have any kind of a romantic relationship left between us and that is making us both truly miserable.
Lets not wreck Christmas, I'm sure we can both keep up reasonable appearances for the kids and your family until that's all over, and then just get on with working out the practical side.
______________________
what do you all think?
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
So sorry, Fran. This is totally rotten stuff to have to put up with.
Lil puts record on turntable, cranks Victrola, record spins. No need to turn the volume up. Familiar tune.
ETA: Re the note: I fear that it's just vague enough that he can pretend not to understand what you're getting at. And also the "we" talk is a way of YOU not stating clearly what you plan to do. When you talk about what "we" need to do, the other person can derail plans by simply not cooperating.
Can you figure out a short, clear, unemotional statement about what YOU are going to do? Something like: "I am committed to making the holidays as pleasant as possible for us and the children, but afterward, I'm going to look for an apartment," or "I expect you to look for an apartment."
Much scarier than a more cordial statement but more difficult to pretend not to understand.
I think that's a good e-mail, Fran. Not sure how long the alcoholism has been going on unaddressed by him, but that alone would be reason for me to do what I needed for my own -- and my kids' -- safety and happiness.
Make sure you MEAN it, tho -- and not just flexing the newfound muscles of power. I say that cuz I've had to gut-check myself on that several times recently. It can be REALLY intoxicating (sorry, bad pun) to suddenly have POWER, and the other person's undivided attention.
