You could just try some honesty, you know.....In the same way she expects you to understand her right to say no, she also needs to understand your right to your feelings. Sometimes just being able to say it out loud... and maybe a few hugs... might help.
Aye. We have openly discussed this specific situation, how it makes us both feel (residual emotions and resentments included), and we both have a strong desire to change our old, well-worn pattern of behavior. If her knee-jerk response to my approach is to refuse unconditionally, and my knee-jerk response to her refusal is to snarl and retreat, then we BOTH have a 180 to do, and we BOTH need to be understanding (and forgiving) of each other while we attempt to implement these 180's.
Quote:
Also, tell her (at a time when sex isn't even on the table)... "honey, it would help me if when you said no, you might say... "no, not tonight, I'm feeling... x, y, z... but I'm willing to give it a go tomorrow night (or whenever night/day/time she is willing)... so that you aren't just left with an unknown. BUT. If she is going to give you a date/place/time, she needs to honor it. If not, then don't say it.
In our particular situation, this suggestion would probably not work very well. We've tried the sex-by-appointment bit before and what generally happens is that as that date/time approaches, she becomes more and more worried about whether or not she'll be able to respond to me, while I becomes more and more worried about whether or not she'll be able to respond to me, such that you'd think we both had dentist appointments that night. When the time actually arrives, we're both so anxious about it that we might as well just call it a wash and break out the Risk or Monopoly board. Perhaps with time, and a lot more confidence in how we'll respond to each other, we can make such appointments and really look forward to them -- but that's a ways off yet.
Best regards, and thanks for the thoughts. I'm appreciating this little brain-storming session.
-- Bagheera
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
