Still Dancin'

[L21959]

GD --

Just popping on to let you know I'll be thinking of you (and your bad jazz hands ) today...

Hang in there...

L2

[Gone Dancin']

Thanks everyone!

Atlas,

I really questioned writing this but I have to, she is the mother of those children. Treat her as such, even if you move on. I know you will.

No question, brotha -- she will be the only one to make this new business like R a difficult one. I'll always do what I can from my end without jeopardizing myself and my happiness, but I can't control her choices.

ewe,

Emotions have been what I expected -- pretty much all over the place, but I'm doing pretty good now as things have begun to settle in. Thanks for stopping in and keeping tabs on me (you so rock!).

Heim,

Never say never.

Okay, then what is the closest thing to never, and I'll say that

Thanks again for your kind words, Heim -- they mean a lot.

L,

Thanks for stopping by -- jazz hands are currently out of control!!!!!!!!


And now for the post we've all been waiting for -- drumroll, please........

D is now official. "X"W signed off on the settlement offer (though I know she wanted more), and the judge agreed to grant her her name change back to her maiden name. The name change was probably the hardest for me -- probably because I expected her to do it sometime down the road and not right then and there. I can't really explain/describe it, but man did it hurt (though I didn't show it at all). And, on a side note -- DAMN she looked good!

Now for the really weird part of all of this.

During our settlement discussion in the conference room, I brought up to XW that S5 was performing in the play at the school Xmas party tonight, and asked if she planned on attending. She pleasantly said yes, and then asked if I would like her to pick up the kids to take them (since I can't drive). I told her that that would be great. I then said that since I was going too (riding my bike -- it's not very far, thank god!), she would have to wait for me to get back to the house on my bike before she could drop them back off. She kind of paused for a second, and then said that she could take me too. I asked her if she was sure, and said that riding my bike wasn't a problem. She said that yes, it was okay, and we then made plans for when she would come by. This is the first time I've ridden in the same vehicle as her in over a year, and it just happens to be on the day of our divorce. Weird!

The party went good -- S5 had fun and did great (he was a reindeer). XW and I actually do a pretty good job parenting the kids together (this D's a dirty shame, I tell ya!), and tonight was no exception. I took some pics of the kids with Santa, and told XW I would get her some copies once I developed them. Not much talking between us, but I expected as much. I no longer look for reasons to talk with her, things to talk about, etc. I just love the kids and do my thing. No use wasting energy on anything else. The hard-earned changes come pretty natural now so at least THAT isn't work anymore.

BTW, anyone wondering where her BF was tonight? She didn't bring him to D4's b-day party last month either. Hmmmmm......

After the party she took us back home and hugged/kissed the kids goodnight. I thanked her for taking me, she said your welcome, and left (it seemed apparent that she didn't even want to look at me at that point).

So, weird night of being a family on our first night of actual divorce. I don't foresee anymore of those for quite some time (if ever).

So life after D goes on -- I think I'll be moving to Surviving the Big D forum pretty soon, and getting perspective and insight from that knowledgeable crowd. It has been a great pleasure getting to know and talking with you all. Thanks so much for the friendship and support! I will continue to pop in on those of you that I regularly keep tabs on, and if you want/need me you'll know where to find me. And, of course, I'll still keep the DB Ski/Board trip thread going over here! Ski hills are now open!!!

GD

[Puddle]

Hey GD,

Wow, that's weird about the driving together. I'm glad to hear the D is done and over, and that W got sensible at the last moment and took the offer. I'm happy for the possibility that you'll be able to move to your new piece of land, house, life.

I wanted to pop in to say that I enjoyed your post on CVA's forum about what's attractive to you---that was very thoughtful and thought-provoking as well. I have no doubt that with all your changes, your insight regarding what's important to you, and your cut self, that you'll narrow down the pool of applicants eventually into a fantastic R for yourself.

It's been an inspiration reading your own threads and your posts to others. Take care.

[ewe]

Hey GD, didn't have time to come back with a fair reply to your post on CVA's thread and by the time I popped in, it was locked ... but, since I had done my thinking on the subject I needed to throw my thoughts out here...

You were right I was referring to characteristics that are beyond superifical and you described your likes very precisely - thanks for that, it was a good read, we know a lot of stuff, but to hear it spelled out by a guy always has a stronger impact.
My first thought when reading was ... man, this guy knows what he wants ... my second thought ... I want a wife like that too, this is the almost perfect woman (I know, I know, I will stick with men) ....
GD, there are so many people (women and men), who aren't even sure about their own traits let alone what they want from their mates (beyond looks and obvious stuff). I think what you wrote down there speaks so much more about you than you think. To be able to articulate one's needs so well means one has to be very stable, confident and clear about their own core values. GD all I can say is ... I wish that you find that special person. And I think that you will. Just one thing to add as a caring BB friend: maybe it would be helpful to think about which stuff are you willing to let go if you find a person who fits your description 80-90% and which will be the ones that you will not compromise.

Now to answer your question:

what is physically & emotionally attractive to you regarding men

I don't yet have such a clear list of what I want from men ... but I just decided that I am going to put one together in the near future. Until then here are a few characteristics that I find important in a men: intelligence, integrity, kindness, respect, ambition, loyalty (isn't this a sore point), he has to like kids... looks are not that important, I am not at all impressed by muscles ... but you know I think the guy could be totally average looking but as I get to know him, he will be drop dead handsome to me as the R strengthens.

That's all that comes to my mind right now, but I will come up with more.

Ewe

[Gone Dancin']

Thanks, Puddle -- you're such a sweetheart!

ewe,

My first thought when reading was ... man, this guy knows what he wants

It actually helped me a lot to write it out for you -- it's not like I actually analyze ever woman I meet by this criteria. But now I might!

my second thought ... I want a wife like that too, this is the almost perfect woman (I know, I know, I will stick with men) ....

Oh come on -- why not stick your hands in both cookie jars! That could meet another piece of my criteria!

I wish that you find that special person. And I think that you will. Just one thing to add as a caring BB friend: maybe it would be helpful to think about which stuff are you willing to let go if you find a person who fits your description 80-90% and which will be the ones that you will not compromise.

Oh, I know that finding someone who meets EVERY piece of criteria is very unlikely, but I wrote to you what the IDEAL is for me. Didn't think you wanted to hear what I'd settle for.

Until then here are a few characteristics that I find important in a men: intelligence, integrity, kindness, respect, ambition, loyalty... he has to like kids...

Sweet, I'm in! jk

I am not at all impressed by muscles

I just wonder what the majority of women think about big, toned muscles vs avg sized, toned muscles. Does the avg woman like bigger guys or avg sized guys (I'm 5'10", 165 lbs)? What is your experience here?

Thank you very much for your assistance, ewe.

GD

[SuperDad]

I just wonder what the majority of women think about big, toned muscles vs avg sized, toned muscles. Does the avg woman like bigger guys or avg sized guys (I'm 5'10", 165 lbs)? What is your experience here?

GD,
Since I'm 6'0" and 175 lbs., here's to hoping that they like lean and ripped over bulky and ripped!

Glad that things went amicably in the end! Wish my W would agree that we should move on! Check my thread if you get the chance, I'd love your $.02

SD

[Not Much Left]

Yo, GD!
After sounding totally superficial, I agree we all have our likes and dislikes and I know that ewe was asking about more than looks, just pointing out what would get me in a "lineup". Clearly, the second someone opens their mouth, opinions start forming and all those characteristics you pointed out, all good. Its that 10% that you dont like that'll get ya. It got me, I let it build up and fought against it vs just accepting it. Bummer.

SD, sounds like we are very close in height and weight. I'm about 6"1" and 180 so yeah, lets hope they like em lean!!

C

[ewe]

Hey GD,

I just wonder what the majority of women think about big, toned muscles vs avg sized, toned muscles. Does the avg woman like bigger guys or avg sized guys (I'm 5'10", 165 lbs)? What is your experience here?

As you pointed out, we can speak for ourselves only, so I can say that I most definitely prefer avg sized guys. I like a guy who keeps fit and takes care of himself, that shows self respect, but there's no need to overdo the muscle thing. Lean and toned is just fine.

After sounding totally superficial

Not at all CVA, please don't say that, because I appreciate what you wrote and it was also helpful. I did want to know about both sides, the inner and outer characteristics as well. It's good to know everyone's personal opinion. It really helps.

Its that 10% that you dont like that'll get ya. It got me, I let it build up and fought against it vs just accepting it. Bummer.

Exactly. But hopefully we've all learned our lessons here.

Since I'm 6'0" and 175 lbs., here's to hoping that they like lean and ripped over bulky and ripped!

SD, sounds like we are very close in height and weight. I'm about 6"1" and 180 so yeah, lets hope they like em lean!!

GD, SD, CVA I don't know about all the girls, but many of them, just like me, do prefer them lean. Trust me

[waw1978]

I know its weird but I am happy for you that things went well with the XW & your children. Hopefully you two will continue to get on this well for your kids. Good luck! Will keep checking in on you.

[Gone Dancin']

Guess I just couldn't resist posting on current situation with XW.

I had an interesting exchange with XW at Xmas. When our separation first took place, I decided that I'm going to teach my kids good family values by helping them find, buy, make, etc, gifts for their mom on special occasions like b-days, xmas, mother's day, etc, desp. Whether or not she decides to do the same, I will still do it. I did it for her all this year (including last xmas), and she never did anything for me from the kids (not for my b-day, Father's day, or last year's xmas). So, for xmas this year, I went through our family pics and found several pictures of each of the kids -- either alone or with their mom -- and cut them out with the kids, and helped the kids glue them to a poster board and made some cool individual collages to give to their mom. I have gotten to the point where I have no expectations of getting anything "from the kids" with XW's help. It hasn't happened for a year now, so why even believe it will, right?

Well, surprise, surprise! XW shows up with the kids on Xmas and gives me a gift (from the kids). She even told them to tell me it was something that it really wasn't (just for fun). It ended up being a set of 4 glass, picture coasters -- 2 of them had pics of D4, and the other 2 had pics of S5. It was very thoughtful, and I was really caught off guard. It was the only gift I received this year, which is one more than I received last year.

XW has really been doing things that are showing her efforts and desire to be a better mom, and this was a perfect example. I know that we're still done, and I'm finally okay with that. I can, however, finally see a lot of healing taking place in her, and a lot of self-reflection too. I think this D being final has given her that final bit of space/separation that was necessary to move on and focus on herself as an individual and single parent -- someone who is responsible for 50% of the kid's time and how that time is spent. I'm so happy that, for the sake of the kids, she is finally conscious of this and cares about it. She isn't taking it lightly, and that is simply awesome!

One thing that I think was a little awkward, but definitely inevitable, was XW meeting one of my new pseudo dating friends (the Wildlife Biologist, lindy girl). When she came over to drop off the kids on Xmas, my friend was over and we were cooking Xmas dinner together. The kids came in and D4 ran into the kitchen, saw my friend, and ran back to XW screaming, "Mommy! 'C' is here! 'C' is here!" XW then let herself into the rest of the house (which kind of annoyed me -- afterall, it isn't her house anymore), and met my friend. This is the first time she has seen me with another woman in ANY situation. They talked about something for a minute while I dealt with the kids, and I didn't really catch what was said between them, but XW seemed friendly and unphased. The present exchange then took place, followed by some scheduling issues, then XW left.

I was kind of nervous about her meeting my friend, even though I shouldn't have been. I don't know if I should've told her about my friend or not. Our relationship is basically platonic, though we text quite a bit, have dinner together, hang out and watch movies, play board games, go on walks/hikes, go lindy dancing and salsa dancing, etc. I think there is some flirting going on from both of us, but I've been real tentative to make any real moves simply because she is kind of in an R right now.

From what I understand, she and her last bf had decided to separate and spend some time away from one another. This was about 8-9 months ago, I believe. He moved several hours away shortly after, and I think they have kept in touch during this time. She told me once that she wasn't really sure about their R, and I felt like she was leading me to believe that it didn't hold much promise. However, as of late, she has been talking about him more and referring to him as her bf again. He even came through town and spent a few nights at her house before flying back east to visit family for Xmas. I really don't know what to make of it all, and I feel like she isn't sure what she wants either. We've spent some portion of every day together for the last 6 days, and I feel like there is potential there. However, I feel guilty for being a bit of a thorn in them working on a R together. I want to ask her about it, but am worried that it could ruin our friendship. I'm worried that she sees our R as purely platonic, and that my interest in anything else will make that R awkward and severe it. I really enjoy spending time with her, and would be happy with us just having a friendship if that's all she wanted. I feel like I'm having an EA with her, which makes me feel guilty.

I guess I'd like to know what others think about this situation. We have a lot in common, and I'd like to tell her that I like her a lot and would like things to move past a friendship, but don't want to interfere with her working on things with her semi-bf. I guess I know the answer to this question, but should I just come out and say this and risk it ruining the current R we have, or just continue on with the R as it is now and waiting to see if she'll make the move to bring this up. I feel like we both want to bring this up, but are both afraid of the other just wanting friendship. Am I the jerk that is imposing on someone else's R, even though she seems to desire an R with me? After all, she did ask me to go salsa dancing with her again last night, and I feel like she gave me a few hints that she liked me during the night.

I'm sorry this turned out to be so long, but I guess I'm struggling with this issue and need some pov's, advice, etc. I am seeing the other girl a bit too right now (masseuse girl), and that is certainly a dating situation since we've kissed a few times. However, she's out of town until Jan 13th, and I really think I like lindy girl more -- I have more of a connection with her. I don't want to make either R serious, but I want to know how lindy girl feels at least. I suppose that it's only fair for both of us that I ask, but again, I'm afraid of what that will do to the good, platonic R we already have. She's given me mixed signals, and I'm afraid that I'm reading into such signals wrong.

Someone help me! I'm pathetic!

GD