First post

[mrarow]

THANKS MAN GOOD ADVICE I WILL USE IT, NITE ALL.

[micoms]

mrarow,

I did the same thing for months, told W how I felt, gave her cards and filled it with how I felt and flowers. She said in C'ing it all made her feel guilty. Looking back she felt guilty because she was or did have an EA, don't know if it was PA. I know in my case it's easier to see what I should do when someone writes it down than for me to think of what I should do on my own. It's so much clearer when you see it in black and white.

I agree on the need to GAL, in my case it had to be put on hold. I had quad bypass surgery 10/15. Going out this weekend with best friend for a drink, maybe two, don't tell my Dr. Be the best dad you can be, get involved with them and play with them.

Come here to vent, don't do it to W. Keep a PMA when around her, hard to do I know but you must.

Mike

[IAChild]

mr,

Fa and Mike at completely on the mark here.

I'd like to hear some examples of how you are validating when she discusses her feelings. Tell me what you are learning from reading the book.

I'd also like to see you post some goals so we can help you with them.

M

[Jack_Three_Beans]

She doesn't want Flower Day, yeah...

You noticed problems in your Wife, so you started making some huge changes, pulling out all the stops. Doing things you used to do but stopped a long time ago.

Flower Day...it's like "I love you." You don't say it. Makes them feel that something is wrong in your marriage because they certainly don't feel like they love you.

I have always been the talker. I have decided already that I will not talk about my Relationship and that will be my goal tonight. I will listen to anything she says or has to say and try to reflective listen and hear her feelings and acknowledge them.

That was your goal that you stated and a worthy one.

Going out to eat does not seem very appealing anymore. No chance of it leading to anything the way she is feeling and just made me feel.

But deep down you were hoping for something magical to happen, like "Oh my god...what am I doing? I love you and I hurt you, I'm so silly, lets stay married forever."

MrArow...

Dude, there are no magical words you can say. This is a crappy journey. Life is not fair.
Work on yourself, and DBing might work.
Do not be pathetic around her.

[mrarow]

Some Goals for my relationship to improve with my wife.

1)Bring Wife's Affection Back into our marriage
-W to reach and hold my hand
-W to initiate kiss me more often (has give out a couple goodbye kisses last week)
-W to initiate Hug or cuddle

2)Stop the feelings of Mistrust when W is away
- call me while away
- tell me if there is contact with OM (Has told me about some of them now)
- spend more time together (we are still going on dates and doing things together with kids ect.)

3)Me to continue to be a better listener and continue to hear her needs and feeling without reacting or turning it into about all me. IE: continue to grow bigger ears and smaller mouth

4)W to stop all contact with OM IE: Stop affair

5)W to commitment to working on this relationship. IE: Get off fence

6) W to start Joint marriage counselling.(presently we are having separate counselling only)

7)W to be open and honest with her wants, needs, feelings and emotions

8)To be intimate at least once or twice a week

9)Be allowed back in bed. IE: Sleep together again

[micoms]

mrarow,

Seems most of your goals are about your W making changes, you need more changes for yourself.

Mike

[happy1]

I agree with Micoms

Can you try this--

Log the things you did that contributed to the breakdown.

Then can you tag changes you will make to not keep contributing to the breakdown.

And can you note 1-3 GAL goals

[micoms]

mrarow,

The changes for W, what can you do or change for yourself to achieve those changes in her?

Mike

[mrarow]

Well micoms and happy1
I hear you loud and clear, Lets see I have stopped being complacent in my marriage and have started to really listen to my wife when she speaks and not turn things into what about me and my feelings.
I have stopped being complacent with the kids and have been giving them a ton of attention and building all my relationships to a level I have never felt before. I feel closer to all three of my girls than I ever have.
I have stopped being complacent with myself and personal hygiene. I have cut my hair, lost 40lbs, workout, had eye surgery so no longer have to wear glasses, whitened my teeth ect, ect...
Have been addressing my problems with very being very intense and controlling in the past. these behaviours and have been a major reason for the door being open to another man amongst others. I am making super progress here and continue to improve with counselling.
I now help out with all parts of household chores which I never did in the past all before!! Cook,Dust, Vacuum, run errands ,drive girls everywhere,I even do bathrooms and toilets.
I am in the process of becoming a very good listener and trying not to pressure her with my feelings anymore.
I am still having a very hard time not being affectionate at this time, that's a major problem for me still. I love her so much!!! Thanks for continued support and input.

[mrarow]

Well I am going to dinner & Christmas shopping with W tonight, hope its positve time together. Hoping for some input on my last post. Thanks again