is he too young for MLC?

[WAS32]

I am trying very hard right now. We had a very good night last night and then this morning everything went wrong. He started R talk so I listened and validated his feelings but i have feelings to. he wants friends with benefits I think and I told him I couldn't do that. I can't just be his friend that sleeps with him. So we talked a little more amd it was getting us any where so I asked him to leave. He left really pissed off did something to his cell phone and when I texted him why he was keeping secrets from me on a text he sent back that we were over. He wanted to go to arbitration to find out how much he would have to pay me.

i asked him if he could talk to me about this and what was it that changed so fast? he is sort of texting me back right now and accusing me of the things he is doing. I'm not keeping secrets, he is. And about stupid stuff too. I am really confused today.

[Dom R]

I told him I couldn't do that. I can't just be his friend that sleeps with him.

Sometimes, that is what is required, for a recovery for a while. As long as he isnt being with anyone else, would that be so much of a problem with you?

Trouble is... based on his explosive reaction on "why are you keeping secrets" question, he may well be involved with that woman.

i asked him if he could talk to me about this and what was it that changed so fast? he is sort of texting me back right now and accusing me of the things he is doing. I'm not keeping secrets, he is. And about stupid stuff too. I am really confused today.

sounds like he's going fully into "cover up and get defensive" mode. you wont get anywhere with him, when he is like this.
Pushing him for "why are you hiding things?" will only drive him further away.

you might want to just let him cool off.
then another day, attempt an olive branch.

oh.. and dont forget to talk to the "friend" to confirm whether she's done dating your husband or not.

[WAS32]

Well she says she never was dating him and that she is going to stay away from him. But she is not talking too me anymore but is sorta talking to him.

He talked to me for a little bit, but only on text. he was quite angry at first but seemed to calm down a little. He knows people are saying stuff to me about him and it's making him mad. I told him I am doing everything in my power not to listen. But why not tell me what you are doing with "our friend". If that's all it is what's the big secret?

I have re-read the emails he sent yesterday and I think that he feels like such a failure he is pushing me away. Is that normal behavior? Do I tell him he is not? Do i reassure him that I don't think he is and that I think he is hurting and confused not a failure? I just want to scream!

[WAS32]

So he sent a small olive branch a few hours ago. Wanted to know how much money I wanted. I have been pretty adament about soupporting our kids. And then I got another text saying he was feeling a little better and was too late taking his meds today. I responded about 45 mins later (only cuz I was doing housework and didn't hear it) and he was wondering why it was taking me so long to respond. I told him I was cleaning and that he could give me what he could afford right now.

At the moment he is not working so I know he doesn't have lots. But he could afford to buy "our friend" 2 new shirts for her b-day and spend $200 at the bar with her. So what to do?

What am I doing so wrong? Haven't got my books yet so I need some help here.

[WAS32]

Got another text last night thanking me for the email I sent yesterday. He said he knows that I care and will think about what I said. Then he asks if he can come for coffee this morning before his C appointment. When I woke up this morning I realy didn't know how i felt about this. It's giving me a bad feeling and a stomach ache. What do i do?

[WAS32]

So after he showed up for coffee he asked me to go to his appointments with him. We went to his C and Dr. together and then went shopping. He was in a positive mood after the appointments and was happy until late last night. He is moving into his own place this week-end. I'm trying to be strong with packing his stuff and giving him things from the house. He says it doesn't seem real to him if he only takes a few things at a time. I haven't prevented him from taking his stuff all at once he hasn't wanted to take it all.

When he left today he seemed sad. He told me that he didn't like the person he was yesterday morning or this morning and if he can't change that we can't be together. I am hoping that the moods have a lot to do with the way his meds are reacting to him. He had the doctor change them to something a little different yesterday so I guess I just have to be patient.

He is vey down on Christmas this year and wants to forget it all together. We have kids and I don't think that will be fair to them. i am trying to figure out what we can do together that will take the pressure off of him but still be good for the kids. Anybody have any suggestions?

[WAS32]

I've been thinking about the way things are going with my H over the past few days and am half way through DR. I did take the advise from a previious post and have continued sleeping with him. Sex was a big issue with us for the last few years and I do want him to know that I do want him still. He has thought for a long time that I just don't like sex. I just didn't like the way we were having it over the last 2 tears. He was not realy caring if I enjoyed it or not and I was the foolish one going down the same path trying to fix it. We all know where that takes us. Anyways, 2 months ago he took me out for dinner and then a night in a hotel. He told his room mate it was the best sex he's had in his whole life. So that night kick started that part of the R and seems to be going well.

So what's the problem right? Now that he realizes that i really do like it he is thinking that he can't keep me happy in the bedroom. I would say that at least half of the time he is a little to quick to finish. (I really hope this isn't offending anyone) So why am I telling you this? because it goes back to the comments he has made to me about being a failure. I'm giving him the sex he wants but am I hurting him at the same time.

And no I do not belittle him when it happens. I just cuddle with him or ask if he is up for another round. Am I doing something wrong again?

[Dom R]

And no I do not belittle him when it happens. I just cuddle with him or ask if he is up for another round. Am I doing something wrong again?

You might just stick to cuddling, and expressing that you are happy to be intimate with him. asking for "another round" puts pressure on him. I'm guessing your intention was to show you are still "interested" in him. However, it has the additional effect of putting pressure on him also.

SO... dont ask for "another" from him, and he will probably feel better about it.

Although... if you're feeling frisky.. you MIGHT try asking him to do "other things" for you, and demonstrate that you feel just as happy with him doing that for you at that point in time.

Only do that, if you really are just as happy, though. Dont try to pretend, if you arent happy with it, 'cause he'll probably figure out the truth.

yawn.. i really should go to sleep. haha.

oh, PS:
you might also work on making sure that you get more "satisfaction", via his efforts, before the "main event".
If he can learn enough about what you like, to give you a few "happy events", to start with... he'll probably feel a lot better about himself, and he wont feel like a failure. Particularly if you stop pressuring him for mr. willie.

This type of approach is all up to YOU. It's up to you, to first ask him for "selfish attention" for yourself... and it is then up to you to help him learn what you like.. and also to have the patience while he learns... and patience to teach him... AND the openness within yourself, to relax enough to allow it to actually work for you

good luck, and happy exploring!

[WAS32]

Thanks Dom. i quite enjoy reading your responses. The only reason I would ask for another round is because he would always say to me that I wouldn't.This has been an on going problem for a very long time and before I would just leave it at once and go to sleep. It was often part of our fights that if i wasn't happy why not ask for more. I am trying to listen to what he has to say. But I will try other things that you have suggested. I realy don't want to make him feel inadaquate at all. Trying to figure out what's right and what's not working is hard work. I did send him a little dirty email tonight. Said i was thinking ABOUT him. It was short and sweet. I thought maybe something in the email that was light and not about R or feelings would be a nice change.

As long as there is no OW, I'm happy to work on the bedroom stuff.

[Dom R]

Thanks Dom. i quite enjoy reading your responses. The only reason I would ask for another round is because he would always say to me that I wouldn't[....]It was often part of our fights that if i wasn't happy why not ask for more.

Hmm.. well, those two are very different things.
I think what he was saying, was "why dont you initiate more, if you want more sex".
However, please note, "initiate". which is quite different from "ask for more, after he is 'spent'"

In those kinds of situations... if you really want more "intercourse", specifically.. i would suggest just "playing" for a while.. seeing if there is a favourable reaction.. and then playing it by ear, in a non-pressure way.

Generally safer, though, is asking for non-intercourse attention. IF you make that a "safe" feeling for him, then you should practically always be able to get that from him, and it will make him feel good that he can make you happy. A win-win situation!

I did send him a little dirty email tonight. Said i was thinking ABOUT him. It was short and sweet. I thought maybe something in the email that was light and not about R or feelings would be a nice change.

As long as there is no OW, I'm happy to work on the bedroom stuff.

good for you