Well I told her that I planned on coming back and she blew a gasket. Now she says there is NO chance for us. She took what I said completely wrong. Maybe I didn't STFU enough, I don't know. I expressed that I never stated that I wasn't going to leave for awhile, but I am planning on coming back home. She took everything I said as trying to control her no matter how she feels about things. I think I may have blew it.
W just called me back. Obviously, W is on the fence about D but has alot of resentment, anger, distrust. W apologized for blowing up, W says she needs some space, I gotta give her some breathing room, yada, yada, yada. W doesn't trust me, yada, yada, yada. After conversation, W sounded a little better. I told her it wasn't my intention to control her, I am/will give her some breathing room, I'm not trying to accuse her. I'm trying to do the right thing.
W said she's 90% sure that our R/M is unfixable, not 100%.
W said she want someone to be 'into her', be happy to see her, want to be involved with her, etc....
I said, everything you stated, I want to give you & can now give you.
W said, you haven't shown it in years, it doesn't matter.
I said, I know I haven't and that was wrong. I'm becoming a better person and if I have the opportunity to I can show you what I'm capable of.
W stated, she doesn't believe it.
I stated, I understand why you don't believe it, but I can.
W asked 'even if I don't want you back?'
I stated, "I'm NEVER going to be in this situation in my life ever again. I'm NEVER going to have arguments over my drinking, getting drunk, not actively participating in my partner's life, not being communicative and loving. I'll NEVER let this happen to me again! Yes, even if you don't want me back. I NEED to improve myself for ME! I want to be able to have a healthy relationship with someone, I hope someday it can be you!"
W had to go into work so the call ended. W sounded a little better. Basically, tonight was a 'bust' but at least not a failure.
Whew, I feel like I was drowning for a moment and just got a lung of air again. Still bobbing up and down in the water and the waves are huge! Someone throw me a lifejacket!
Can you shut up now? We're cross posting and I have a migraine so I ain't here for the fun of it, I'm here because I'm supposed to be.
I guess I'm going to have to S, STFU and work on myself to have any hope of regaining W's trust. Tonight proved it. This is not good for the kids, either.
One thing that just p***** me off/upset me a bit is I just said to D4 that I'm scared, I don't want to go. D4 said 'you have to so mommy doesn't have to fight no more with you'. I asked her, 'did mommy say that to you?' D4 said 'yes'.
Sigh....
_________________________ Me: 38 W: 36 R 16 M 12 2 kids: S6, D4 Bomb: 10/22/07 Sep: 12/11/07 My First Thread, My Story
One thing that just p***** me off/upset me a bit is I just said to D4 that I'm scared, I don't want to go. D4 said 'you have to so mommy doesn't have to fight no more with you'. I asked her, 'did mommy say that to you?' D4 said 'yes'.
You shouldn't tell your daughter things like that. That is you being the child and putting a 4 year old in the role of the parent. Do not lay that trip on your daughter. You can't do anything about what your wife says to her but at least be accountable for yourself.
Tell me again why I shouldn't ask W who this guy is I know she's been calling, went to his house but told me she was visiting her girfriend (which I had suspicions about but never confronted her about it). I got the phone bill today and W has been calling his # frequently and deleting every single call from her cellphone history. This is an A of some kind 4 sure.
The mapquest of his address is still sitting in front seat of her car from last week, all one has to do is look it up on the internet. His name is on her work schedule. She NEVER mentioned this guy's name in conversation with me before. The calls started a few weeks ago, right after her 'pre-thanksgiving dinner/bar night out with co-workers (which I though may be a secret date but never confronted her about it). He's in her contact list under a female's name.
Why shouldn't I expose the fact that I know something, ask her what's going on? She's the one that said she wasn't going to date for awhile, only planned on it after several months. That's what other websites are suggesting I do. I don't want to accuse her of anything, I just want to hear what she says about it, I'm having a hard time not asking her. I know for a fact now that this guy is not her friend's boyfriend. I learned that from conversation with W (guy is co-worker vs. friend's boyfriend works for fire dept).
_________________________ Me: 38 W: 36 R 16 M 12 2 kids: S6, D4 Bomb: 10/22/07 Sep: 12/11/07 My First Thread, My Story
J -Why don't you go ahead and file the D papers yourself? Because you seem to want to give your W every reason to go forward with it.
Why not ask W who this guy is? Because OM does not matter. Because it does not get you closer to your goal. Because you are in no emotional state to know the truth. Because you are not going to stop her from having the EA or PA.
Why do you want to sabotage this?
I'll echo everyone else - do a 180 and STFU. You are not to make her feel embarrased or guilty. She will feel that on her own. You are to be patient and start the DB techniques.
Many of those who fail at this DB'ing fail for the same reasons. Stop thinking this is about you. It's not. If you aren't willing or able to set your own personal agenda to aside or supress (for now) all your needs - then you are wasting your time. Just go ahead and tell your attorney to file.
None of this will get any better until: 1. You admit that you can't control this 2. Recognize your strength can only come from God, not from something you or W says or does 3. Accept your part in the failure 4. Correct your faults - become a better man (aka GAL)
Dude, these are basically AA concepts - rewritten: 1. admitting that one cannot control one's addiction or compulsion; 2. recognizing a greater power that can give strength; 3. examining past errors with the help of a sponsor (experienced member); 4. making amends for these errors; 5. learning to live a new life with a new code of behavior; 6. helping others that suffer from the same addictions or compulsions.
You trust AA's ideas to help you fight addiction, but not with your M?
Focus - Focus - Focus
Me - 43 and She -36. No kids. Married 7 yrs - Together 14 yrs
W apologized for blowing up, W says she needs some space, I gotta give her some breathing room, yada, yada, yada. W doesn't trust me, yada, yada, yada.
The devil is in the yada yada's my friend.
Quote:
After conversation, W sounded a little better. I told her it wasn't my intention to control her, I am/will give her some breathing room, I'm not trying to accuse her. I'm trying to do the right thing.
Your actions aren't matching your words.
Quote:
W said she's 90% sure that our R/M is unfixable, not 100%.
My W was 90% sure also, for about two years she was that way. It's funny how they pick 90% all the time.
Quote:
W said she want someone to be 'into her', be happy to see her, want to be involved with her, etc....I said, everything you stated, I want to give you & can now give you.
Might as well give up arguing with her. Your words will never convince her. Better off agreeing with her on that point. Agree, and then shut up. Then she'll not have to prove you wrong.
Quote:
Basically, tonight was a 'bust' but at least not a failure.
One of MANY times you will be tested. Will you defend your past? Will you indicate to her the she is not seeing clearly? Will you defend yourself? Will you defend yourself? Or will you trust that she is right, and acknowledge her pain.
Quote:
Tell me again why I shouldn't ask W who this guy is I know she's been calling, went to his house but told me she was visiting her girfriend (which I had suspicions about but never confronted her about it).
It's a loose loose sitch. You'll come out looking bad either way. There's no way you can win. Some might disagree with me, but I think it would be perectly fine for you to ask her if there is an OM. Not a specific OM who's name is ???, and lives at ???, whom she works with and went to see on ???.
But just asking the question conveys meaning to her. Lets her know you are concerned, and that she might be crossing your boundary line. Don't do anything to control her, you just would like to know so that YOU can make decisions regarding YOUR life.
If you confront your W, especially since she's feeling smothered, you just make the cage she's trapped in even smaller.
My W had several "EA's". One with a guy fresh out of prison, unemployed, and missing several teeth. It bothered me, scared the crap out of me, but I knew eventually she'd realize he was a jerk. It didn't take long in each case. Another one that was really scary was a newly D guy, her age, and they were working together in a small offic. He's the guy she went to the concert with. I knew more than she knew I knew, but I stayed strong. I think I asked her if she had another man a few times, but not in the context of fear, rather as one mature individual to another.
Get prepared for the very long challenge ahead of you. Read all you can about communication, understanding women, being a man, and growing your spirituality. You'll need all the help you can get.
God Bless,
COG
The sooner you stop trying to change your W's mind, the better.
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
