Hello. I haven't posted here in years. Don't have much time to share my story as my H will be home in about 20 minutes. We have been married almost 10 years now, with 3 kids. He is LD. He would probably say I'm HD but I consider myself "normal" D. We used to ML about once a month, now it is once every 3-4 months. It's almost always pity sex, which completely sucks. He gives in because he knows I'm frustrated and can see my resentment building up. It is this horrible, endless cycle and no matter of reading or talking or praying or "insert fruitless attempt at solution here" is helping. It has gotten to the point I can hardly stand to be in the same room as him. I am barely civil. I have become this b*tch of a wife, this person I never thought I was capable of becoming. When he looks at me I scowl at him. No wonder he doesn't want to have sex with me.
The worst part is...I lost over 100 pounds. So as before where I was this fat woman and nobody really noticed me, now I'm pretty danged cute and men are flirting with me all the time. I try to pretend not to notice it, but I'm so flattered by it and yet it makes me even more mad at H for not noticing. We actually had sex more often when I was fat, if that makes any sense.
I guess I am rambling here. I also have one more big secret. I had an affair, briefly. It was stupid. I thought it would help. But of course it didn't. The guy still calls, wants to get together. It was always good "during" but the guilt was (and still is) immense. I crave the feeling wanted, the passion. But I don't want it from another man. I want it from my H.
So I'm just trying to figure out what to do. I keep thinking if I can just make it through the holidays maybe I will take the kids and leave. Maybe a separation would be good for us. I see the new book is coming out in January. Part of me wants to pre-order it. Part of me thinks of all the other "fix your sexless marriage" books collecting dust on my shelf that haven't done a darned thing.
Yes, I'm depressed. Thanks for listening. It feels good to get stuff off my chest. It's been too long since I've expressed any of my feelings about this.
