Pregnant and abandoned #3

[blindsided1]

I just feel like I have been clinging to the hope that he would come home and I keep doing things to assure that he doesn't. He keeps saying things that make me feel like it will never happen. I feel completely hopeless. I tell myself that she means nothing, that it really isn't her. But, then I see her picture on his phone. And, I feel like I have been lying to myself. That it has everything to do with her. That if it wasn't for her, he would be home. I hate him and I hate her.

[ann25]

He's told you that he was unhappy before he found OW. It's like when you get a cold, you feel the runny nose and hear the cough, but it's really the nasty little virus inside causing the problems. Get rid of the virus, slowly the cold symptoms go away. the OW is a symptom of whatever "virus" was attacking your marriage. This was probably baby/pregnancy focus. A lack of passion and meaningful sex. Lack of communicaiton. Get rid of those things and then the marriage will have a chance to heal.

It's hard when it's just the one of you working on it, but you can do your part. I think you mentioned once the he had said you were needy/grumpy/whatever. When you talk to him now, keep it simple and be happy and detached. Act "as if" you are for now.

You will be fine. She means nothing and he deserves nothing from you. YOU CAN DO THIS. i have faith in you and i'm sure everyone else does too!

I hate him

use that to detach....

[blindsided1]

Thanks Ann. I need that. I know there are a lot of issues that were making him unhappy. He told me. I was really bitchy. We lived with my parents. He told me today that he felt like a dog with its tail between its legs during our marriage. Do you know how much that hurts to know that I made him feel like that? We talked a little about the things I needed from him, too. Like not being treated like I was a piece of meat. He said that he hated that. I hated the fact that he didn't woo me, at all. He just groped at me, in my eyes. There are a lot of issues and now I feel like there is no way to show him that those issues could have been dealt with if he had only told me, instead of bailing out and quitting us. I told him that I was angry that he didn't even give us a chance and he told me that he didn't think there was anything there to give a chance too. What about our child? What about our marriage? What if I had only known what was going on in his head. I will try harder, but it hurts not to have any hope. How do you show him that those things are gone and new and better things are just on the horizon. He doesn't believe me when I say it. And, now that he is with OW, there is no way for me to show it.

[ann25]

He said you were bitchy, be pleasant and happy when you talk to him. He said he felt like a dog with it's tail between it's legs. What made him feel that way (bitchy, controlling?) when you talk to him, don't try telling him what to do and how, let him live his life. easier said than done, i know!

Here's what could happen. If you keep trying to show and tell him all the things that are and could be different if he'd only given you the chance, he's going to wonder what's the point. even now, all you do is nag at him about leaving (him wanting to be happy) -OR- you give him space and time. keep conversations short and sweet. he's going to start wondering (not tomorrow or next week, but eventually) what changes you've made and why you are acting differently. he'll start calling to see what you are doing (not to control you like now) or just to talk.

wouldn't you rather him come back because he has a new found interest in you than because he's feeling pressured by you to give the M another go. The later reason for coming back will cause resentment in him and not lead to a good place.

YOU CAN DO IT!! i'll keep telling you every time i post because i know you can!

[blindsided1]

Keep telling me I can do it. Because I don't feel like I can. It's the fear than holds me back. The fear that he will be happy with OW and won't even think about coming back. I'm really scared Ann. I really do believe that she was just an opportunity for him to leave. Basically, she moved him into her home after knowing him 3 weeks, with her 2 children, pays the rent and paid his tuition to school. How desperate is she to get him and why would he want that? I know, just stand tall. But, I just feel like crawling under the covers and staying there. Just keep telling me I can do it.

[ann25]

YOU ABSOLUTELY CAN DO IT!!!

Not that she is important because she is NOT!! but here we go... OW is a fascination to him. He's got it good now, yeah, but how long do you really think that will last. How long do you think she'll put up with him being a freeloader and how long do you think the fascination will last. remember what you said about his hobbies in the past. he completely drops something that he had to have for something new, on a whim.

He's flaky and inconsistant. Is that really what you want for you right now? I should hope not. You need love, support and stability and shouldn't settle for anything less.

just remember, when he has his space, he'll think about you. What have you been doing, how have you changed. You can be his new fascination... the thing is, you have the home and memories on your side as well. I know that my H buys every new video game as they come out and sells off the old systems. For sure, if he could find one that did everything he wanted (your changes), was new and shiny (new fascination from being missed) and also remembered all his favorite games (memories and life together)... that would be the one he'd stick with!

patience and more patience...

how's that baby doing? not too much longer til you find out what it is right? I have 4 weeks til my US to find out!

take care and focus on you and baby... ann

[WAS32]

Hi Blindsided1, I've been reading your story and I can't remember if you had said if you had read the Divorce Remedy yet. If you have try this. it is helping me. I am going through the book and writing down all the things I need to do. For example
1. Stop telling him ILY.
2. Be happy when I talk to him

When the list is done I print it out (or write it) ande I put it on the mirror in my bathroom on the fridge by my bed as a screen saver. Where ever I know I have to look at it and remind myself these are the things I have to do. You don't always have time to re-read the book but you do have time to read a list.

Sometimes a quick reminder can help. I wish you all the best with this. I do know the pain you feel and I am terrible for putting extra stuff on my H.

Anyways, i just thought I would let you know what I was doing to try to prevent the needy, moody me. Maybe it will help you.

[JennyF]

Blindsided...
Thanks for stopping by my thread, I appreciate it...I wanted to comment on a couple things and I pasted them here in case you didn't go back to read it.

You should hear the crap he is spewing about me breast feeding (he says that it's my body that will decide how long I breast feed) and questioning why I'm going to take the whole 12 weeks of maternity leave.

My H is pushing me to pump so he can take S...he's only 7 wks old! I told him 'we're not ready yet'. Anyway...YOU will decide how long you will breastfeed for...make that clear to him. 12 WEEKS mat leave??? Sorry to tell you this, but here in Canada I get a full year. I'm deathly afraid I'll have to go back at 6 months for financial reasons never mind 12 weeks! Don't you go back a second before you're ready. You will never get this time back with your baby and you need to relish and every moment you're entitled to...he's already taken enough away from you.

I am still in the stage of trying to woo him back by spending time with him and telling him that the person he saw on the hormones the last 9 months is not the person I really am, he just left before that one came back.

Errrr...have you read DR?? I have to be honest about something blindsided and I hope I don't offend you...one of the reasons why I stopped posting on your site is because it is exactly the same thing over and over. Now I know we all have a tendancy to do this...but you really keep doing what will have the OPPOSITE affect of what you want. I do stop by to read up...and see you're getting the same advice and support...but I don't see you getting it. Stop trying to woo him! Trust me I get where you are...I would give ANYTHING to go back to your stage of pregnancy and know what I know now. If I had started to DB then...I probably wouldn't be here now.

Now I just read one of your posts...

It's the fear than holds me back. The fear that he will be happy with OW and won't even think about coming back. I'm really scared

I know how you feel...I feel exactly the same. My H is making plans to BUY a house w/ OW and our son is only 7 wks old!
He WILL be happy with her...but he has to go through that euphoric drug like infatuation before he can get to the part where he sees for what she really is and that you are so much better. But you have to let him go to do this. I know it's hard...I'm doing the EXACT same thing.

I've heard a lot of people say here "fake it 'til you make it" why don't you try writing a post that is exactly the opposite of what you've been writing. Write how you wish you could be.

Keep telling me I can do it. Because I don't feel like I can.

There is only so much others can make you believe. You have to start to believe this for yourself. If you keep saying you can't...then you can't!

I really feel for you and I in no way mean to demean your feelings...this is still relatively new to you and time will help a lot. But you've got some great advice and resourses that will help if you find the courage to implement them...I know you've got it!

(((hugs)))
J~

[Startingover2]

Hi blindsided. I just wanted to pop by and see how you were. Please try and remember the 'fake it till you make it'. I fake it all the time. To the outside world (at least most of it) I am doing fabulous! Only the great people of this board and my close family and friends know how bad I am truly hurting. I go thru moments that are worse than others...nighttime is hard, or something that triggers the situation. I am dealing with alot between dh's issues and my older daughter right now I don't know which way is up. But, don't let it show. Especially to your dh. Post here and tell us how much that SOB is hurting you, but don't let him see it.

Those of us that are pregnant and just having babies are really up in the air. We all don't want to share custody of our precious infants and personally I feel ripped off and my unborn daughter has to pay the price of dh's selfish ways. Maybe start doing some research for your state regarding when your dh can see and visit your child. I need to do the same as well. The dream has been shattered and the best move we can make now is to protect ourselves with the 'hope' that things will change.

Hang in there.....

[Atlas]

Blindsided,

Ann is giving you great advice, listen to it. On another note as posted above, right your goals for your next meeting on a post it. Put it in your pocket and keep it there. Everytime you feel it, it will remind you. No clingy, be positive, etc...

This kills me that guys are like this during pregnancy. I still can't get over that my W is dealing with splitting up our 2 year old. But an unborn child kills me. I just don't get it, I'm on the other end of things sexually. I pregnant women to me is the sexiest thing alive. When my W and I were pregnant, she tossed and turned so bad that I slept on the couch for months, and all I wanted was to hold her and have sex with her. I don't get how men are turned off or whatever by that. It's so amazing.

Just be business like, give him the schedule of the appointments, and then he has control and it is up to him to show. Don't have expectations, but if he shows then he shows. Now the A will die, you can't start a R on cheating, it won't last. What is the OW going to do, if it goes on that long, which I don't think it will, he has a newborn at his place, crying all night, he is cranky, she is getting pissed because her attention is getting stolen away. They can't go out because of this or that, changing diapers, etc... This guys have no clue what is coming. Trust me, you have plenty of time. You will bust this thing!