Don't know what I'm doing anymore - Help.

[ann25]

Dom, thanks. Maybe it's me, but doesn't it seem like there should be more that he needs than just sex? For years I've been the one to initiate sex or at least ask for it. Back before all the problems i would have loved every night or something like that, but he was fine with a couple times a week. No big deal. Even if i went a while without asking him about it, he wouldn't say much (tho that didn't happen often) Now how is it, that all he needs is sex from me. I just don't get that. he's never cared before.

I'll do a 180. I'm trying to think more about what I would normally say before i say it and say something else if i think it will help. I actually bought a book right before the divorce talk called a married mans guide to great sex. its all about how to talk to/deal with your wife on a day to day basis to make her more passionate about you and how that rolls over into the bedroom, kitchen table, wherever... . I just stuck it on the bookshelf after he said he wanted a divorce. time to get it out!

hi atlas, its an evil vicious circle, he doesn't get sex, he pouts, that is a turn off so he doesn't get sex... its the whole chicken and the egg thing... hehe. I appreciate your advice. He's been losing weight, so I've been trying to compliment that because I noticed. While no amount of that is going to change my attraction, i do tell him he's looking good. Any kind of specifics that a guy would like to hear to boost the ego?

yeah, sandi and you are right. That's only going to hurt us more. there will be one more conversation about that. the one where he brings it up and I tell him that it is in the past and now we need to work on us and our M. (i'll say it nicer.. hehe)

thanks... I'll take all the advice i can get. Eventually it'll sink into this think head of mine!

[sandi2]

Dear Ann,

Just don't be afraid to use a little spunk. My sister has been abused in three different marriages. She still has not learned. The man she is with now, she caters to him like he was a pouty little boy that is going to throw a fit if he isn't happy. That is exactly how he acts all the time. The more she tries to pacify him and do things he would like and praise him and bow down to every wish and becomes his door mat....the more he walks all over her. I can't stand it. I have tried for years to get her to see that he will not respect her being his door mat. One time.....just one time she got her nerve up and stood up to him. She had had enough and told him off good and proper. Well, he nearly worshipped her after that! As soon as the shock wore off, of course.....lol. But, sadly, she started letting down her guard again and the same old patterns started all over again. Now, he treats her like he is a spoiled brat and throws every mistake she ever made up in her face and makes her feel stupid and like a fool in front of others.

I am a strong believer in repecting the one you are M to in order to love them. You have to earn that respect, Ann. You can say it in your own way, but if you don't make him know you mean business, he will not pay any attention to you and will not heed what you say. I don't want you to do anything to get beat up over.....heaven forbid....but just stand your ground and don't back down. Use that spunk, girl!

[ann25]

be spunky... okee dokee... hehe

that's how i've always been. a door mat. i got better once he said he wanted a divorce because i didn't care what he wanted and i was mad and hurt, but espcially after the EA, i went right back. I just didn't want him to turn away from me. all it did was hurt me even more. I don't know that he'll get all the way to worship mode, but a little bit of respect and appreciation would be nice.

no more being a doormat. thanks sandi!

spunky (formerly ann) hehe

[ann25]

goals for the evening:

be spunky...
squash any OM talks.
stand up for myself and tell H what I need.
reassure H of my commitment to M if he questions it or anything

if something seems off there, let me know!

thanks all...

[Dom R]

Dom, thanks. Maybe it's me, but doesn't it seem like there should be more that he needs than just sex?

there's a book (probably more than one) that claims that men are very simple: all they need from their wives is:

sex, food(?), respect, clear unambigous communication. And then they will be your willing and loyal protector and supporter for the rest of your lives.

Odd as it may sound... yeah, i think for most men, it really is that "simple"

Down the line, he may ask you for more complex needs.
but when a guy is "sex-deficient" to a certain degree... there really is nothing else on his mind that he wants.

For years I've been the one to initiate sex or at least ask for it. Back before all the problems i would have loved every night or something like that, but he was fine with a couple times a week. No big deal. Even if i went a while without asking him about it, he wouldn't say much (tho that didn't happen often) Now how is it, that all he needs is sex from me. I just don't get that. he's never cared before.

peoples needs & wants change over time.

If he cares now..and that is what he needs... then give it to him. simple as that.

While no amount of that is going to change my attraction, i do tell him he's looking good. Any kind of specifics that a guy would like to hear to boost the ego?

"you look hot! let's do it right here on the kitchen table!"?



I think that most women want to hear the words "you look pretty".
I think that most men, want actions. Telling a man, "you look good", is not really going to mean much to him, unless he spends a large chunk of his time in front of a mirror.

once again:
"women --> words"
"men --> actions"

(and yeah, for men, mostly the "action" is "sex".. but once we're satiated on that... other things do actually sound interesting as well )

PS: i think your goals for this evening sound good

[ann25]

thanks dom...

ok. so the male mind really is that simple. that's frightening. LOL.

(and yeah, for men, mostly the "action" is "sex".. but once we're satiated on that... other things do actually sound interesting as well )

good to know that eventually something else sounds like a good idea.

thanks again.

[bhopeful]

We are pretty simple creatures in our basic needs. Once those are being met on a regular basis then we start to think about other things.

My W would ask me a lot "What are you thinking about?". The answer really was nothing, or sex. And it alternated between the two every few minutes.

We all do have other interests, but like dom said we're action oriented. I would rather not talk about doing something and then how I feel about doing it and then the possible outcomes of doing it... I would rather just do it...

I can't say as I speak for all men, but this is how I am. And from the other men that I know, it seems like we're not all that different.

[sandi2]

I think he knows that you are afraid of losing him after the EA and he is using emotional blackmail on you. Can't you see that? Why else would he constantly throw the OM up to you? Just don't let him get away with doing you that way any longer and you will see some positive changes. He may get ugly or threaten D or whatever before it gets better, but you can't go on living like this and I don't think he'll do anything but get worse.

Good luck and let me hear how it goes.

[ann25]

So last night i didn't get to talk to him like i wanted. He got his brother and girlfriend to come babysit so we could get some christmas shopping done. I thanked him for that cause normally i always have to find the sitter. 3 times that night he asked if i was talking to anyone else. i did good. I just said no and that I can only reassure him so many times, eventually he's just going to have to believe me. I would have talked then, but Toys r Us is not really the place for it. hehe...

we are at home, watching some UFC stuff and he randomly tells me he wants to see me naked. what sense does that make, can't we just sit down and have a nice evening... anyways. i tell him that i'm freezing and made a little joke about it. not 20 minutes later, after i'm covered up, he says it again. geez. he wants to see it, fine. afterwards i remind him that i know its important to him and if he directly asks me for something, I'll do it for him, but comments like that don't do anything for me and if anything, it turns me off more because he knows i didn't want to do it yet he continued at me until i did.

As we are laying in bed, i tell him goodnight. He asks what happened to me trying more often to try to get the feelings back(on sunday i told him that i have always enjoyed sex, that i will start trying more often and maybe that will help us) I asked him how often he expected that and he didn't know. I explained that twice so far this week is a big change for me and that i appreciate him being patient and understanding with me while I'm feeling this way. That it helps not to feel pressured by him. *silence* alrighty then, "goodnight" then as i'm about to fall asleep, he asks if i've been talking to anyone else again. I just told him that he already knows that answer to that question is no and I did not have the time or energy to have that discussion right then, we'd talk about it after work tonight. He always does that, i'm falling asleep and he says something i can't ignore, well not anymore. he may be able to roll out of bed whenever (he works from home), but i have to leave the house by 7:15. i have to get up get the girls ready and feed them breakfast. I don't have time to have these conversations at 2AM.

He didn't have anything to say this morning. I guess we'll talk tonight. He sounded fine on the phone this morning. He's getting a cold. yesterday he didn't take anything for it. Today i gave him the medicine.

[ann25]

thanks sandi - he knows and he uses it. I see it, but I was always to afraid to do anything about it. At this point, I just can't take it anymore. it has gotten progressivly worse over the last couple months. I messed up, we both have. I don't hold him asking me for a D over his head. I'm done hearing about it over and over.

I know as i stand up to him, it may get worse (or better, who knows) but at least I'm taking care of me. Our M is not going to work if i feel like crap all the time and right now that's about how it is. If i'm doing my part then only one of us is actively trying to destroy the M. that's better than it is now with both of us causing damage.