That is sound advice if I ever heard it (shutting down the R-talk stuff). It is hard to gage where W and I are: she wants to go to MC and work on it, yet not talk about it any other time. Not sure if that is normal. I think she feels that I am complaining too much even if I try to be as non-judgemental as I can. I think I am walking on egg-shells with all the DB/DR stuff.
Best,
--Chris
Last edited by PhD_ChrisD; 12/06/0711:28 PM.
Me: 40 She: 31 S: 5 D: 3 Married: 8 years (05 DEC 99) Blow-up: 02 JUN 07 Piecing (More like Ostriching): 22 FEB 08
It is hard to gage where W and I are: she wants to go to MC and work on it, yet not talk about it any other time. Not sure if that is normal.
I honestly think the issue as to whether it is "normal" or not is irrelevant. She is attempting to work on the M, and this is all you should be concerned with. Let her decide where the work takes place for now, and in the meantime do your best to show her your changes. Don't kick a gift horse in the mouth, brotha. It seems apparent (to me, at least) that she wants an objective and knowledgeable 3rd party there to mediate and direct the discussion and work.
Quote:
I think she feels that I am complaining too much even if I try to be as non-judgemental as I can.
Do you mean when you bring up the R outside of the MC? If so, then just stop bringing it up. She wants some space during this time and doesn't want to be in a defensive position waiting for you to hit her with R talk of ANY sort (non-judgemental or not). Outside of MC, just be happy, confident, friendly, helpful, appreciative, etc. Show her why she would want to work on this M, and eventually you might see her doing so OUTSIDE of the MC without your pushing her to do so.
To echo, GD, Chris, I pushed too much when my W was willing to try. I was pushing because she wasn't being open with me, but, nonetheless. The irony is that I bought DB and stopped reading it right at a year ago because she thought we don't need books to get through this. That worked for me. Let her proceed at her own pace and you have a good chance of not being where I am a year from now.
Short journal.
Bittersweet, bought new lights with the girls. Let them each get an ornament (by the way, CVA and WAW, there actually were some hot chicks at Target this evening). They wanted to get a few more balls, said that I'll get some for next year once they go on sale. Didn't register with Casey, but it did with Lauren, and I think it threw her because she got a little cranky and withdrawn after I said that. Sucks.
Posted on mwel's thread that on the way home last night from the video store, I turn left rather than straight -- the way to the house. Lauren pipes up, "Where we going daddy?" I said, "Home." She replied with a really quiet "Oh." Ug.
Despite the Thanksgiving backslide, I've been giving her a lot of space. When she calls, I let the girls pick up. We usually do scheduling through email, either initiates as needed. Her emails have gotten a little longer and less cold in tone over the past month, if that makes any sense. They contain more information. When I pick up the girls or drop them off, I say a simple "hi", bye, have a good evening or whatever. When I turn to walk away, I don't turn back to wave or watch her as she drives away. If with the girls, I start paying attention to them. If not, I just hop in the car and drive away. I had to get the girls today, her day, because she's going to some professional event or other. Other than asking her what the initials stood for when she initially asked me if I could get them early -- just honestly curious on that -- haven't asked her about it. Just told her to have a good time.
Casey lost another tooth today. Took a picture of her and send it to W's cell. She texted back, "save the tooth" or something. Texted back, "She lost it" and she called a few minutes later. She had the idea of having Casey drawing a tooth to put under her pillow. Told her I thought that was a great idea. Little bit more on that. I kept it short, told her "have fun tonight" and got off.
Anyway, just illustrating that I've backed waaaaaay off. And, while I do feel a little sad, it is the holidays, I feel pretty good about where I am. Starting to get a grip on things at work again -- the last year has been pretty awful professionally, as I'm sure many of you can relate to lack of focus and concentration for chunks of time.
Anyway, time for a short dumbell workout so as to not pale in comparison to GD in the hot tub in March.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
Just a quick reply to Chris on the MC stuff w/W...
I would agree w/Gone Dancin', but I'd like to also offer another perspective. My SO and I went to MC during the demise of R1. I think in the back of his head he saw it as a tool to help him make the break. My .02 fwiw.
