Accepting a rejection....gracefully

[Bagheera]

...but what you've got is a fine reflex snarl in response to rejection, understandably so. It took a long time to develop that reflexive hurt/anger at "no", and the emotions ain't going away overnight.

Exactly. And it is this reflexive, irrational response that I am trying to quell here.

I think you gotta act from your brain, not your gut, on this one. If this means you will be stewing internally for awhile anyhow ... so be it. As long as you and your wife are both working toward each other and giving concrete demonstrations of that, it seems like a small price to pay.

Agreed.

I will have to be honest in my reaction, however. After knowing each other for as long as we have, she's most likely going to know if I'm stewing over it, even if I don't say or do anything with those emotions -- just as I can usually tell the difference between a 'Just do it' Yes and a 'I'm actually in the mood' Yes. That said, just as I can sincerely appreciate and love her all the more for that "Just do it" Yes, she can learn to appreciate the efforts that I put into being 'cool' with a No, even if I'm not feeling particularly 'cool' about it.

I also like Karen's suggestion, although caution will need to be applied on two fronts. If I think touching her, even in a non-sexual way, will flare up my desire/emotions further, I'll need to recognize this ahead of time and not take that option. Also, I'll need to make it clear (verbally or non-verbally) that I'm after ONLY the non-sexual physical contact, and not simply trying to do a run-around her "No."

-- B.