WAW says "I'm filing for D", but no papers

[SirPrizeMe]

I said, "I wasn't as nurturing as I could have been. "
and I said, "I sometimes grudgingly gave approval to her ideas instead of supporting them wholeheartedly, some big things and some small."

This is true - sometimes.

Couple examples from our history. Once she was toying with the idea of finding employment. We had been renovating our house and she got the idea to do that to other houses in the neighborhood, buy em, fix em up, sell em at a profit. She wanted to do this with the OM (before the A; remember we were good friends). I wholeheatedly supported this idea. I never pushed her to find a job or employment, but it seemed like a cool idea. I suggested we use my IRA to fund the business. It never happened. I was ok with that, too. Never complained or put her down because of it. so I feel like I supported her here.

Another instance - right around when she turned 39, she was talking about getting a boob job. This is not my cup of tea. I raised my eyebrows, my opinion was, that's a little nutty. (my opinion only - I am afraid of surgery). I could have been more empathetic. I could have been more thoughtful about why she would even consider going under the knife. I recall saying "I love you just the way you are" but maybe not convincingly enough. And if she did want a boob job, who am I to stop her, really? I should have done better on this one.

Once she got involved in a neighborhood project to re-build a park. She did the fundraising, the planning, spoke with the contractors, everything. I wholeheartedly supported her. I found out how to get 501(c)3 status and qualify for matching funds from corporate donors. I worked in the dirt assembling the playground equipment. I shuttled stuff for the garage sale. It was a cool project, and it was all hers, and I was glad to help out. So I feel like I did well here.

When we had our 4th child, we needed a minivan. Since she would be the primary driver, I suggested she go out and drive a bunch of vans and see which one she would like. She did. She picked the most expensive one. I didn't flinch. I suggested she pick some nice options since she'd be spending time in the van. When she picked the model, I told her I liked silver. She liked red. One day I went to order the van, I came back and told her. She asked me - you got silver, didn't you? I laughed. of course, I had ordered the red one!

But those are just the ones I remember. I think it's the many many more subtle times, like when I'd come home from work and I was tense. Stuff like that.

Ah, I still am not sure. I look and don't see it. Menial sins, yes. Mortal sins, no.

I don't think I'm in denial. Darn... Seriously I wish it was something simple, like - "darnit, you're a drunk! Stop drinking before I'll even think of taking you back." But it's not so simple for me. I swear I don't want to avoid the issue. I swear.

[SirPrizeMe]

On further reflection, here's the big one:

There's a basic discrepancy in our sex drives and intimacy. And I was never very happy about it. I didn't deal with it well, I was cranky about it, I didn't try to see it from her perspective.

That was the main source of disconnect in our marriage, if you ask me. When we had young children, I thought, ok, I have to share W with the kids, but I always thought that would be a short term thing. They're little for such a short time. They're so demanding, physically, emotionally. Short term = 5 years. I was always thinking, hoping, ... as they get older, I'll get more of W back. I'll gladly give her up now, while they're young, because that's the rhythm of life. That's motherhood and fatherhood. But in the back of my head that's what I was thinking. One day we'll get back to spending more 1:1 time, more time for "just us", more physical and emotional intimacy.

Well I guess that time never arrived.

This is the one thing I regret more than anything else. That I was so impatient, so thoughtless, so self-centered during those times, that I forgot to focus on our union, the importance of it to all of us, and instead focused on my needs. And that's not very nurturing...

Ah, to do it again....

[Not Much Left]

Again, kindred spirits on this one! Other than the joy of the 4 kids themselves which we wouldnt trade for anything, what were we thinking SPM?

C

[ann25]

you're not the one in denial(maybe a little, but probably not). Everyone has their moments that they aren't the perfect spouse. I'm sure she's had plenty too... the difference is you want to see the good in her, she needs to see the bad in you to justify her decision.

I'm sure it's easy for you to see all the nice supportive things, but those don't support her decision and complaints, so they've probably been conveintly forgotten. In order to justify her decision, you only get credit for the worst things (at least for now)... it's not fair, but that's the way it goes.

[SirPrizeMe]

Thanks for the support, Ann and CVA.

Last night I took the kids out to dinner while W did her bible study. It was really nice, we had a fun old time. We shared much love. Since I don't have my own place (yet!) we went out to dinner. They sat on my lap, 3 at a time. It felt good to just be with them. And of course there was lots of laughing and smiling and goofing and just hanging out.

W had said she would "meet us at the restaurant" (her idea!) after bible study and I was hoping she'd come in. But when the time came she called from the parking lot, couldn't find a spot to park, so she phoned me from the car to let me know, she'd be staying in the car and she'd wait for me to bring the kids out.

Here's the good part: I didn't get bothered at all about that. True, I had hoped she'd come in, if only to sit for a spell. I was imagining we'd sit down and just share a drink. But in the end it didn't happen. OK. No problem! I still had fun with my kids.

W did get out of the car to meet us. All the kids were in goofy, silly, happy moods. I was very cheerful with her (maximizing my opportunities). We talked about the weekend. When I'd see the kids next. Talked about S10's birthday - the plan is still on for all of us to go out to dinner together. as I was leaving all the kids demanded gum (I always carry some). I kissed the kids "gabye!" and they were gum swapping with me. Totally innocent and goofy fun. W sat in the front seat of the car for all this. I had bought a shirt for each of my boys while I was out shopping for myself, and I gave them the shirts. Anyway, the kids and I were all happy.

I noticed that she was staring at the ring I'm wearing on my left hand. She looked for a very long time. I had taken it off after she informed me she'd be filing for divorce; I'm sure she noticed this then. But after a couple weeks I rethought it, and I put the ring back on and started DBing again. This time for real. Now she is noticing "it's back."

So anyway, a positive moment.

Today I am doing my household budget, which I will send to her through our respective attorneys. Or maybe directly to W, to save on the attorney fees. This will be an estimate of how much I need in order to get my own place - rent, utilities, car, insurance, that sort of thing. This is for temporary orders while the D is progressing. We will need to split my income. This is more reality setting in. I am going to do this with as much love in my heart as I can, though I am not pleased about the prospect of living alone.

Also tonight I see my IC.

[Not Much Left]

SPM
I'm working on thw same thing (budget, outlining expensews vs income) so I know how you feel, as usual. Thanks for your comments last night, it really helped.

Glad u had a good time with the kids, I also know that feeling with kids at dinner, its nice. What is hard is when we (you and I) part as they drive away and go off to wherever we are living but you seem to be able to keep all that in perspective.

Good luck today and IC tonight.

C

[SirPrizeMe]

Hey CVA,
yes, you are so right. Parting from my kids is sometimes not so easy. When I was just separated, it was hard. Then when I got the notice I Was no longer welcome in the house, it became harder. Then the D papers, harder still. When I watch her drive away with my kids in the car - yes that's hard.

But these days I am trying to be more accepting of the situation, to make the most of the time I have with them, to enjoy them during the opportunities I have. I guess this is just living in the moment. One way or the other I will be spending more time with them in the future - either when I get my own place or when W and I reconcile. or both!

----


Today I got an email from W - on where to live in this next phase. She liked the idea of the two of us living close together, so the kids would have more stability, they could go to school from either house, etc. She suggested some places to look for houses. Also another email on xmas gift budget.

I phoned W to talk about xmas gifts and gift budget. I said hello and she asked "Why are you so happy all the time?"

I smiled, just said, "I don't know, why not?" Vague but carefree.

We had an enjoyable conversation about the xmas budget, envisioning what gifts we'll get for the kids. I'll have the kids this coming weekend, and she had some ideas for things to do on Saturday, family activities you know. As usual I was one step ahead of her and was thinking, as she talked about these ideas, that these might be things we'd do all together. But it soon became apparent she was thinking of just me and the kids. She said she didn't have any definite plans for Saturday herself, though she had a bunch of things she could be doing. I maybe pushed it a bit far, but I invited her to come along. She declined, but politely. I went a little too far!

We chatted for 15 more minutes about a bunch of other things, like some cute stories about our youngest (D5) and her letter to Santa. We talked and giggled. She complained about her lack of time - no time to go shopping, everything is so busy. I listened, empathized and validated, offered no solutions. "wow, that's tough. Sounds like you have no time at all." I am glad to just let he just do her thing.

So that all felt positive. One small positive step.

[Not Much Left]

Are we living in a parallel universe? Convo's about xmas, living arrangements etc is exactly what is happening over here.

[SirPrizeMe]

Ann25 said someting in another thread:

For years I've been the one to initiate sex or at least ask for it. Back before all the problems i would have loved every night or something like that, but he was fine with a couple times a week. No big deal.

Omigosh, if only! a couple times a week!
For me in my M, I was the one who always always always initiated or asked, and I would have loved to have this be an every night thing. A couple times a week would have been glorious!

As it was, for me, we had sex a couple times a month, sometimes once a month. For years.

I was so often denied that it became a real source of tension. We went a period of 10 months once, a little power struggle, where I decided to stop asking her, to see how long it would take her to ask me. On the surface everything else about our relationship was normal. After 10 months I couldn't take it anymore and asked her one night, "are we ever going to have sex again?"

I suggested MC but she refused, instead she got us a copy of the Kama Sutra.

And then six months later she went and had a physical affair. How does that make sense?

[Not Much Left]

Ughh, that is tough. Again, I always initiated too...go figure.
Decent frequency but like you, sometimes you wonder if your always asking well...