Thank you everyone for your comments. I haven't been posting much lately because there has been nothing going on in my situation. While I do think a lot about my life lately, I really am fine. However, sometimes I do think that I shouldn't be this "fine". I feel like I should be sadder about everything, especially with the holidays approaching....
But today has been a great day. First, I was able to download the Grinch ringtone to my phone. Should I assign it to H's number? A little humor here!
Second, at work, H told me that a friend and wife of his, who live oversees, want to come to the US and stay with him for six weeks once H finds "suitable housing". They also want to bring their 16 year old daughter and have her go to school here for a while, possibly longer than the six weeks. Now I know that my H doesn't want to do this (the friend is a bit of a pain in the *ss). So I am smiling and laughing (as is he) as he is telling me this. And I said to him that I hoped he knew how much restraint I was showing by not saying anything. He responded that my face was not showing any restraint, which it wasn't. There was so much that I could have said to him. But, honestly, I kept thinking, I am so lucky to not be with you right now - I would not want to have these people living with me for that length of time. And I also thought I have suitable housing for you! (Meaning that in the property resolution, he wants me to have our current house and I don't want it. I will not be able to afford the mortgage and utilities. He will NOT be happy that I will not take it. He will feel like he is "stuck" with it as houses in this subdivision do not sell well - they are on the market for long periods of time and in some cases years).
He did go on to say that he wouldn't have any trouble keeping the 16 year old girl alone for a while, but that he was concerned because it was a great deal of responsibility - "you know, she is in high school and will want to go out with friends and that will be hard". Um, you mean what I do every day with your own children?!?!?!? But again, I just nodded and agreed with him.
He came in my office and brought this all up again, including my reaction. He was smiling and having fun with it. It was all so normal...
I have figured out that smiling and laughing is a lot easier than hating him. Regardless of what it may or may not do for my future relationship with him, it is better for me in every sense. And yes, at first it was an act. But now it is genuine.
I have no expectations. I continue to work on accepting that my marriage is over. I know that some may not agree with that because if I don't believe that it will survive, it won't. But for me, I don't want to have any false hopes. I don't want to ever feel again like I did this summer when I first got the bomb. This is my way of protecting me. It doesn't mean that I am closing the door...it just means that I am taking back control of my emotions, my life and my future.
