Calling All Cats :)

[LoginName]

Hi Cat,
Sounds kind of positive. You had an argument, you talked later, he talked later, and you're not divorced. That is all good, right? If you and he were totally "reconciled" and in a "normal" marriage, it would be the same, wouldn't it?

I know you were just journaling, and we all feel this way at times, but when you say
"well, IMO not doing much at all really towards real reconciliation"
it sounds like you have expectations on what he should do and how he should act.

I don't think that's helpful. It may be fair, but not helpful. If you are going to have expecations, like on what he should do to reconcile with you, I think you should make sure he knows what those expectations are upfront; don't make him guess, fail for guessing wrong.

If you do have expecations, you should really examine them and know what they are and if they are really, actually, important to you. If they are important, than stick to them, even if it means separating. If it turns out they aren't, then let them go.

Here's an idea. Don't think about reconciling. You are reconciled. Now stop waiting for him, or you even, to do something,or for a sign or anything else. Just get on with life and your relationship. Every moment, live it. Decide each moment what you want to do and do it for yourself - not to change him, not to bring about changes in the future, just right now. Ease up on yourself and him. No expecations.

I think some expecations, if expressed, are reasonable.You have a right to be treated with respect. You should expect that. If you don't get it, then you have to make a choice on what to do about it. That's basic, and maybe about it. No expectations, minimal expectations.

Yeah, he's got it tough right now: job and all. It's HIS issues and troubles. You can't fix his life. You can't control it. Release it. Yes, it's sad. I feel sorry for him, I can empathize, and I'm sure you do much more than me, but you can't do anything. Let it go. He'll figure it out, or he won't. Detach some more.

Detaching really doesn't mean not to love or to grow apart - or it doesn't have to. You can still love him totally, but his problems aren't yours and can't be.

It's a real fear of the spouse that nothing they do will work and they can never make the M/R better - they can't fix it. Let him know there is nothing to fix. He's off the hook. You're OK.

As for the mess in the house - that's a tough one. When people live together, they have to accomodate each other some. Can you let it go to an extent? Can you live with a messier house? If he won't or can't comprimise on this, what is your fall back plan, what are your options? Divorce? I think if you really can't live with a mess,or the toilet seat left up, or the towel left on the floor, whatever, and he can't or won't change, then divorce, even over something that small, is the right choice. But can you live with it?

I've heard this called a BATNA; Best Alternative To Negotiated Agreement. In other words, when you are negotiating, you need to know from the start what your limits are and what you will do if you can't reach an agreement.

I guess this all comes down to you. Let go of what you can't control. Be in charge of your own life, controling what you can. Expectations of others, whom you can't control, lead to dissapointment.

Make sense?