Don't know what I'm doing anymore - Help.

[Dom R]

Hiya Ann,
My mental buffer is unfortunately overflowing a bit.. i can only keep track of a few peoples' issues well :-} but as requested, I'm going to post something on "your" thread, about the specific issue we started talking about.


[fyi to others, this was started in http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1280017&page=1 ]

My biggest problem is i keep getting from him that he just wants his wife back. He wants me to be in love with him now. He wants me to be sexual with him like i used to. I just don't have it in me right now.

Something to think about:
of course he wants all those things... he wants a complete, fully intimate marriage and relationship with you.

Sure, he's LIKE it right now... but he is probably still capable of understanding that it will take a while to get there.

It might help you to reframe your viewpoint of his attitudes.
Rather than think of his desires for all that as a negative... How about thinking of it as a POSITIVE?
He really wants a fully connected marriage with you! That's a really good thing! It shows that he's fully committed to your marriage!

So long as he is capable of "delayed gratification" in that reguard, and doesnt require it all nownowNOW... I think that is a really good thing for you.

The point i wanted to make here is that, as a spouse that wants her M to work, but is going to be nervous and cautious, to be patient and not ask for the moon when you know she can't give it. it could make her think that her efforts are not good enough.

Well, what do you mean by "good enough", though?
"good enough" for now... or "good enough" forever?


Hypothetical situation:

Lets say that your husband lets you know that, for example, for him to be fully happy with your sex life, would mean having sex 4 times a week. However, he could still stay committed to your marriage, and keep working on it, if you had sex 2 times a week.
Otherwise, his physical needs are too much for him to deal with in a marriage positive way.

Currently, you are not having sex at all.

You tell him that you could only barely manage 1 time a week right now, and that is a really big effort on your part.

yes, you are putting in a really big effort.
yes, he should show appreciation for that, and try to be patient with you.

Is what you are doing, "good enough", for the long term future of your marriage, though?
If you believe what your H hypotically told you about his needs from the marriage.. seems like the answer is, "no, it is not 'good enough'" as a permanant thing.

In that situation, it seems like the caring, marriage positive thing for you to do, would be to acknowlege that what you are doing, is not "good enough" for the long term. To show understanding and compassion that you are not fully meeting his needs at the moment.

If you insist otherwise, then what you are doing, is saying that what is "good enough" for your husband, is determined by YOU, rather than determined by his feelings and his needs.
That sort of attitude, seems to me to totally invalidates his needs, his communication to you... and basically, his overall value as a person in the marriage. It makes him less important than you in the marriage.

Does that seem like a fair line of reasoning to you?