The sleeping in separate rooms bothers me. It is like you two are running from conflict to a safe haven. I'm worried that you will not be able to recover from this sleeping arrangement if it goes on too long.
I'm glad you were able to speak up during your conflict. Were you able to have some input as to the design though?
Sounds like you are doing well.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Jak, I think sleeping in separate rooms is indicative of the turbulence we've had over the past months. It may represent something different for her.
This past week has been the most turbulent-free for awhile. I'm thinking that if the platonic R and friendship improves, than there may be potential for addressing physical intimacy issues.
Her sleeping elsewhere keeps me distant. My preference is for the sleeping elsewhere to stop before I return to the bedroom.
Her being nice to me lately seems strange and foreign. I keep waiting for the turbulence to return.
It seems premature to return to the bedroom. Maybe separate bedrooms is what's needed for now. I think you're right though that at some point this should cease. She's not giving me any indication that she wants physical intimacy. I'm not sure I can be close to someone who is capable of being so harsh and blaming on a regular basis.
I think staying in separate rooms, while working on GAL, conflict management skills, and our friendship is the best plan for now. We seem to be moving forward.
CL
Last edited by Concerned_Listener; 12/05/0705:50 PM.
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Jak, I've been thinking further about your concerns about the separate room arrangement. I'm thinking that to just show-up and start sleeping in the main bedroom without an invitation or sign would be pursuing. I'm also thinking that her sleeping elsewhere behavior indicates that she is still struggling with managing the stress in her life. This means that for me to bring-up physical intimacy as a R topic would be poor timing.
I think timing is very important here. She wants distance in this area for now, so I have no choice but to respect that.
The sleeping arrangements are a concern, but I don't want fear to to be the motivating factor in my addressing this issue. I don't want to undo the good work I've done so far.
She's noticed the positive changes in me this past year. She wants connection. I think once she addresses her job, financial, and health issues, she will be in a better place to work on physical issues in the M.
I've noticed that she is spending less time with a long-time peer. My W is changing, and her friend is not. I would consider their R to be codependent. I think my W is starting to see her for who she is--selfish, manipulative, dependent, and not interested in improving herself.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I hear what you are saying and noone knows your R better than you.
I understand that there are more important issues to address before physical intamacy can be brought in to the picture.
I applaud you at your patients with your W while she is working on her issues. even the derogatory comments she makes to you are baby steps as she is proccessing the situations.
In my sitch H is still having a hard time with communicating anything. I do think that he is working on it and i have given the letter the 48 hour rule and have decided that i will talk to him instead and keep the convo. strictly about his needs and and about how i feel about how far we have come and ask what he feels needs to be done. He will be home this evevning. I still plan to go do my GAL activities this weekend.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Jak, I received several email rants by my W today. She says that the cleaning I'm doing around the house isn't good enough. She says that I'm not pulling my share of the weight around the house. She says that everthing I fail to do, has to be hired-out to someone and paid for.
There seems to be a mistrust that I'm not willing to help. I'm not sure where that comes from. Did I create that over the years?
All I can do is listen, try to figure-out what she wants, and do what I can. I'm trying hard not to judge her in a negative way. My confict management book wants me to provide the type of listening that is needed for the situtation.
I'm going to add a few more items to my Saturday cleaning routine--washing bed linens, cleaning bathtub.
It seems like she wants everything to be resolved quickly. I'm not sure it's possible to meet her expectations. It isn't possible to anticipate and prevent everything that may potentially upset her.
I went to bed early last night after her verbal rant of complaints. I offered to skip dance lesson tonight to make progress with some of her concerns.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I would suggest though that if you feel you are doing all you can do to help and that it still is not good enough you need to confront W on it.
I just wonder if she is bringing up these things to see how far she can push you or use you for a doormat. If you think these are valid issues fine but, if they they are just rants to get you to jump through hoops to make her happy then i feel you need to stand your ground.
I wouldn't have skipped your GAL activities IMO. I feel progress can be made without doing that.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Just jumping in here, and I could easily be missing something, but it seems to me that rather than just taking her rants and silently resolving to do better, it might be more productive to have a conversation about the problem...using your listening skills: are the cleaning tasks the real issue? Is it quality? Is it quantity? Is it possible to please her? Does she know you're trying to be more helpful?
Jak, I think most of her concerns are valid--the leaves need to be raked, the disabled car needs to be fixed, cleaning should occur on a regular basis, dirty dishes should be soaked to promote better cleaning, sheets should be washed so they aren't stained by body oils.
Her perception is that I won't do my fair share of the work. Her perception is also that she does more housework than I do. It's a trust issue.
My reluctance to attend dance clsss tonight is because it's a joint group lesson. I don't want her there if she can't be present in the proper spirit. I'll have to handle that situation carefully.
The only issue I'm not "jumping thru a hoop" for is for me to work part-time or to pursue a new job, as I'm not unhappy with the current one. I have no problem testing the market. I think I'll stand ground with not taking on a part-time job. I'll agree with her and say that my contribution will be to do more housework with the goal of not having to hire it out to someone.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Audi, I'm not sure what the real issues are. I'm sure it runs deeper than cleaning and money. However, there are practical problems to solve.
Your point is well taken that maybe I need to do a 180 and be more present in discussing these issues with her. I do respond to her emails and talk to her after she's calmed down. You're right that I'm thinking that if I do enough or well enough that will satisfy her. The problem is that quality is subjective.
It's odd that some days she praises me for my efforts and other days I'm not good enough.
I'll try to sift thru what I think is valid, and try to meet her expectations, and keep making adjustments when I fall short. I'll work on balancing discussion with doing what she asks.
I'll also work on diaagreeing with her when I need to. This is where the hard work will come in, because I don't want to promote more anger than what I'm experiencing. But it is important for her to not think that she can bully me or that I can be intimidated.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
