WAW does not want to try

[ann25]

i second and third all the advice above.

be happy. she came to you. you did what you were supposed to and she came to you because she knew that she couldn't go on without trying at least once more. no pressure or pushing, she wants this. Doesn't mean she won't change her mind, but a little "WAHOO" from you wouldn't hurt... hehe

be patient. I had an EA. my biggest struggle w/ my H now is that he wants so much from me physically and emotionally. he wants me back the way i was before all the problems. I can't get there yet. I am always thinking to myself "why can't he just be happy that I'm here and I want this and I'm trying?" follow her lead, listen to her and continue validating her feelings. She will have good days, where she knows this was the right idea and bad days, where she's wondering why she even cares. be patient...

i'm so happy for you. just remember, this is what you wanted, it'll be a bumpy road, but at least you are driving down it together now.

[LostInMN]

That is great news! As everyone else, I am very happy for you. Take things slow, focus on what needs to be done, don't try and get to where you want to end up too fast and things should all fall into place with work from both of you. Congratulations.

Envious.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

congrats! that is wonderful that your W has shown remorse and a willingness to try. I haven't read your thread, but I suggest to make sure you don't fall back into your old habits. Continue to GAL for your self, which will in turn help keep up your PMA.

I would definitely read the 5LL... and maybe you can ask her if she'd like to read it with you?

The other books that I like....

For Women Only by Shaunti Feldham. Was very helpful in helping me understand men and knowing what I should or should not be doing for/to my H.

For Men Only by Shaunti Feldham. (haven't read this one, but since her book about men was so good, then surely her book about women will be even better... she IS a woman)

Also know that this road is tough too, but at least you have a common goal right now. Continue to have low expectations so your not let down or get upset if a problem arises.

I am excited for you!

[Dom R]

be patient. I had an EA. my biggest struggle w/ my H now is that he wants so much from me physically and emotionally. he wants me back the way i was before all the problems. I can't get there yet. I am always thinking to myself "why can't he just be happy that I'm here and I want this and I'm trying?"

Some advice for YOU, Ann

At times in the past, my wife has often said to me, "Why cant you be happy with what I give you", or sometimes "Why is what I do never enough for you?"
These are in situations where I asked her for, lets say, 'X', and she gave me 50% of X, then complained that I'm "never satisfied".

From my perspective, that really pushed my button of, "How could she be so inconsiderate, that she's expecting me to be completely happy, when she's only giving me half of what I let her know I needed from her??"
It also seemed like she was very firmly saying, "I will only give you half of what you have asked for, ever"

That attitude, in and of itself, made it much more difficult for me to show appreciation for the effort she was putting in.

If she instead responded to me with something like, "this is what I can give you right now; it would be nice if you showed some appreciation at least for the improvement in this area!" then I think I would have been able to give that appreciation to her, and also been more patient with her.

So... maybe try being open with your husband about it, in that sort of way. Let him know that this is what you can give, for now, and that him showing appreciation for that, helps you continue your efforts.

[ann25]

hi DomR... seems like i get lots of advice from you on everyone elses threads... I apprecaite it!

I think it, but I'm quite sure I've never told my H that. I have been much more open about what I'm able to give and not able(since coming here). I thank him when i do see his efforts to understand what i'm feeling and able to give him. My biggest problem is i keep getting from him that he just wants his wife back. He wants me to be in love with him now. He wants me to be sexual with him like i used to. I just don't have it in me right now.

The point i wanted to make here is that, as a spouse that wants her M to work, but is going to be nervous and cautious, to be patient and not ask for the moon when you know she can't give it. it could make her think that her efforts are not good enough.

Maybe you could check out my sit and give me some advice there? you seem to really know what you are doing and have excellent ideas about how to approach all this stuff.

[Lanzo]

Hey,

Things have happended quickly since your first post, I'm so glad to see that you've got that big 180 in you're sitch.

Keep working on your M and keep us informed of progress.

Take care

[wawpioneer]

Thank you all. I am trying to enjoy the moment and at the same time try to figure out how and where we go from here. Thank you all for the advice and support.

We are both reading "Five love languages". Once you give it some time to digest it really does have merit. My love language is "Words of Affirmation" so I really dig all these encouraging posts and things that you guys have posted. Her is quality time and quality conversation. C says that I am speaking it right now and I hope that I can keep it up. I also hope that it will make a difference and that it will take. We will see. I am going to proceed with caution and match her efforts.

I will keep some posts coming. Once I feel that we are on a track then it might be time to change the thread. Thank you all again and talk to you soon!

[I_Wanna_Make_It_Work]

make a list WAW-P. What can you do to spend quality time together? Keep in mind, everything doesn't have to be a date. At home with no TV. Reading 5LL together. Coffee out. And don't rush it.

[wawpioneer]

Update from a few minutes ago. She is on her way into town from C. She sounded as if she was in a good mood. She is getting some clothes and the dog and is planning on staying the night again tonight. Actually, she is planning on moving back in. Not sure when exactly but not important right now.

Ann and Dom, I really appreciate the conversation that you two had in this forum. We were asking each other last night what "an effort" looked like to each of us and we could not define it. I think your conversation says loads though. It may not be important to define it but to simply understand it. I can see that a lot of patience will be involved based on Ann's posts and that I could easily become impatient based on Dom's post. I will keep that in mind as we move forward and let her pace the relationship. After all, God made women so that they would have an internel guage of how the R is going and I just need to be patient enough so that I can read the guage carefully in order to see progress. Small steps and small goals. Right now we discussed in C to plan on trying to build our R up with a lot of small positive moments. Sounds like a lot of fun to me! I love a good challenge. My W certainly falls in that category!

[micoms]

Great news, what all of us here want to hear!!
Keep referring to your list, some of the things on it really connected with your W.

Go to the piecing forum, I'm sure you'll find some words of wisdom for the next step. Take it slow, I know we want to get it all back so fast. Again congrats.

Mike