Accepting a rejection....gracefully

[Bagheera]

Greetings all,

I am a newcomer to this community and a novice regarding Michele's DBing techniques, and I have a question for those of you who have or are currently working on solving the problem of an SSM with your spouse.

First some background:

My wife and I have been married for over 20 years, have four children (two young adults and two in elementary school), and have been in what seems to be a 'classic' HD-male / LD-female relationship for nearly all of our married lives. You could replace the Debra and Tom in Chapter 1 of SSM with our names, and with only a few modifications have a pretty accurate description of our situation up to last year. We were at the point where we each lived our own separate life, interacted only as necessary, and even slept in separate bedrooms most of the time: and we were both unhappy, lonely, and resentful. I had threatened separation on a few occasions, but could not bring myself to go through with it while we still had children in the house.

Then, last winter, a job change from one side of the country to the other forced us into a six-month separation anyway, while I went to the new job and my wife stayed behind to sell the old house -- and you all know what happened to the housing market this year. At first, the separation seemed like no big deal: we had been pretty much doing our own thing anyway, and it removed the nearly constant sexual tension between us that was present when we were together. As weeks stretched into months, however, I became depressed and passed through my own form of MLC, in which I recognized the pathetic state of my personal relationship with both my wife and children, and I understood that in order to be happy again, I either needed to fish or cut bait; that is, either put forward a genuine and sustained effort to rebuild my marriage or cut ties and seek my happiness elsewhere. I opted for the former.

This past summer we were finally reunited (although the house still hasn't sold), and we have made steady progress in re-discovering each other, rebuilding our friendship, and adding to the once scant list of things that we have in common. All those things that previous marriage counselors had encouraged me to do (such as housework, spending quality time with the family, and courting & romancing my wife), but which I had always been too angry and resentful to do, I found that I could now do, and often with pleasure. We are now into the late fall, the ice is continuing to slowly melt and the Great Desire Divide is slowly shrinking, although it remains as a constant thorn in the side of our marriage: one that we would love to extricate once and for all.

Two weeks ago I discovered Michele's SSM book, and am I not the first person to state that I found it to be an absolute godsend. For the first time, I felt like someone actually understood my point of view, rather than simply treating me like a spoiled child who keeps pitching fits and pouting over not getting the 'candy' that he craves. For once, I felt like I wasn't alone in feeling the way that I did. After reading it, I emailed the link to SSM Chapter 1 to my wife and held my breath, and that evening, we had a heart-to-heart discussion. She "got it." She finally understood the importance of our sexual relationship to me -- and by extension, to us.

Now for the question:

In Part II of SSM, Michele strongly encourages the LD spouse to do a '180' from the usual behavior and "Just Do It": accept an invitation to sexual interaction even when they might not be initially inclined to do so. The option to say "No" still remains, of course, for those times when they truly are not in the mood and it is unlikely that said mood will improve.

Therefore, it seems only fair that in Part III of SSM, the HD spouse should be strongly encouraged to do a '180' from the usual behavior and learn how to accept a "No"...gracefully. Michele addresses this generally, but I wanted to ask all of you for specific examples and suggestions in how to best handle this situation, because this seems harder for me to do than my rational brain says it should be. Once my [YOU'VE JUST BEEN REJECTED...AGAIN!] button gets pressed, I get washed over by a load of old hurts and anguishes, making it very difficult to be gracious at that moment.

Granted, I am (hopefully) now past the stage where I'm likely to pick a fight, rant, rave, or punch holes in the wall (which hurts!), but I do still have a tendency to retreat for the night and sleep on a couch. I have found that if I try to go to bed as usual, I tend to lie there next to her and stew in my own juices for half of the night, while if I retreat to the isolation of my 'cave' (to use John Gray's terminology), I can reduce the duration of that emotional spike and get a decent night's sleep. But from my wife's point of view, she still feels like she's being punished for saying "No": I've gathered up my marbles and stalked off the playground for the night. I can understand this point of view, and have tried splitting the difference somewhat -- coming back to the bedroom some time during the night when I've cooled off -- but the initial cave retreat is still there.

I suspect that as we repair and improve our sexual relationship over time, my initial reaction to her occasional "No" will lessen, and it will become easier and easier to take a "No" when it happens -- that is my hope, anyway. But suggestions as to how to best handle the situation that we have now would be welcome.

My thanks to Michele to a great and much-needed book, and to you all for your suggestions and support.

-- Bagheera