not a peep

[NikB]

Awww I am so sorry Trixi. I keep expecting this from my H any day now but can't imagine how it must feel when it actually happens.

My first reaction is don't rush anything and don't bring up anything else. I'd also come up with a generic but protective response next time he tries to "negotiate" - because I think he's way too good at manipulating you, and I think he'll manipulate you right into a really bad deal. (no "dig" against you, I just think he's too good at it and you have too hard a time NOT resisting it).

H" Don't make this get ugly. If you make this ugly, then that will be IT for us. We'll never have a relationship in the future."

I hope you recognize this for what it is - TOTAL manipulation. Pardon my french but.. F him. Maybe it's YOU who doesn't want an R (friendship or otherwise... you do realize he could mean "relationship" as "distant friendship" right??). If he decides you leave you BOTH have control over what level of contact/friendship/interaction you have - one of you may want more than the other, but you can both walk away and have almost no contact any time. If you let this get to you it means you are still giving him WAY too much control over your life.

Me "I'm not trying to be ugly. Just saying. Besides, this is all conjecture anyway. We're not at that point."

I think this probably pissed him off when you tell him where "we" are. The "we" for a start.. and then the telling him what he thinks/where the R is at. Partly because HE wants total control of that right now, and partly because where YOU think the R is may not be where HE thinks the R is. Make sense??

No point in spending a lot of time on this but just a guess... and another example of how what seems relatively 'innocent' to us can be seen SO differently by our Hs.

We negotiate some, sort of agree that he will pay me a year and NOT have it go towards what he owes me and that he will have to give me money monthly and/or in lump sums to make up the difference for the equity. So, then I say "well, here is my delusion. Part of why I want to rent is that I still have a little flame of hope for us. We can agree to the numbers when I move out, but leave things legally alone...{and I see a flicker go across his face}....unless you're in some big hurry to file."

I think honestly that the pressure you put on him here probably prompted him to want to rush things and get it over with - to make the pressure stop.

But as for the rest of it - I really think as I mentioned earlier that you need to not negotiate with him at all.

I've heard way too many stories (especially w/no kids involved) where you agree to things now thinking "oh it's just temporary, I won't get a lawyer involved until later" - only to have a judge say "Well it was good enough then and you agreed to less than the law allows so I'm going to sign off on that arrangement that you already made."

Yes there are laws to protect you - but if both spouses agree to something different the judge weighs that and takes it into account. Even if you agreed to it before you/he filed.

What I'd do (and have done a few times):

Deflect it by matter of factly saying "That's a legal question and I'm not prepared to discuss it right now." If he pushes further say that you're not comfortable discussing it without a third party who knows the law present. Period.. no more discussion on that topic. If he asks again or still tries to negotiate, repeat "that's a legal question and I'm not prepared to discuss it right now."

I really hate to see you agree to something now that is way less than what you deserve - and later becomes permanent.

Don't let him guilt you, manipulate you, etc.

In fact.. hate to say it but given how manipulative he's been and is now being, you may want to at least file for a legal sep before you move... to protect yourself financially. At minimum please make sure you know exactly what your rights are and that whatever he is offering is equivalent (or better) before you agree to anything.