Don't know what I'm doing anymore - Help.

[sandi2]

Hi Ann,

I am very blessed to have a H that does not treat me that way after my EA. I was leary at first that he would bring it up whenever we tried to talk about our R right after it all hit the fan. I told him right off that I would not discuss the OM with him and that I would not discuss the EA if he made any reference to it whenever we talked. In other words, I let him know right away that I would not tolerate him throwing my EA up in my face everytime I turned around. I told him that I could have chose the OM. I told him that I was offered financial security from the OM, which was more than my H could give me at that time, but I still chose to stay in the M. My H told me that he did not ever have to mention it again.......and he hasn't. I give him credit for being that big of a man.

This is my take on your stitch with your H now. Tell him that you have told him that you are sorry and that you feel like you've said it enough and aren't going to continue to say it to him b/c it keeps the wound open. You have chosen him and he must believe that you want to stay with him. Tell him that you have felt guilty for your EA but that you refuse to continue to live your life in guilt b/c you cannot grow as a person and your M cannot grow living in guilt. If he chooses to throw it up in your face everytime there is a disagreement about something, he is placing the M in turmoil. He either forgives you and trust you and moves ahead or he doesn't, but you, Ann, are going to move ahead and live your life "as if" this never happened (except what was learned from it). Tell him that it is his choice to live in insecurity or trust but that you are not going to allow him to make you feel guilty or continue to tell him you are sorry for your mistakes anymore. Tell him it is over and done with and that's it.

It's not that I disagree with what was said by the others, I just believe as long as you "allow" him to do use this tactic, he will. When he sees that you refuse to buckle under and start all over with the apologies, then I think he will finally give it up. He probably does need some emotional strokes right now and his ego fed, but try to reassure him in other ways instead of always going back to the EA and reliving all that again. That is unhealthy. I think if you can act upbeat and show him you are happy with him and that he is number one with you, that will enforce the love he is needing to feel.

I hope for your own state of mental health that you will choose to stop allowing him to use this to emotionally beat you down anymore. It will harm your own self-esteem and it won't be long until the M will be in big trouble again if you don't make him stop repeating this behavior. After you explain to him that you aren't going to continue going through this with him anymore and the next time he tries to bring it up about you finding somebody else......just hold up your hand and tell him in a calm voice that you refuse to discuss it. Then don't talk about it.....get up and start doing something else. If he continues to stomp around or pout......just let him. If he leave the house mad, don't worry about it. This is something he has to work out for himself, you have done what you should, now it is up to him to do what he should.

I know how hard it is, since I have been in the same boat in an EA. Even after chosing to stay in the M, it is not easy. So anytime you want to just talk to me, come on over to my thread (which you have before and I appreciated what you had to say).

Sandi2

[ann25]

Hi mrarow.

Wow is he Lucky

Thanks for the encouragment. It is always nice to hear stuff like that.

Now I try and help in all areas and feel good about it.

That's awesome. I wish my H could feel that way. That's how i feel. As much as it is just housework and kids, it is alot of work. It's nice to see everything taken care of and say, I did that.

I wish with all my heart I would get more effort for my wife as she seems to have quit doing all this stuff when she went into this depressed and confused state she is in now.

I know that towards the end of my EA it all just became to much for me. I was only doing the minimum and probably wouldn't have done that if H had been helping. She has to be noticing how you've changed and one of these days, it'll hit her!

[dh4320]

Hi Anne,

Hows your sitch going,,

[ann25]

Hi Sandi - thanks so much for posting here.

Tell him that you have told him that you are sorry and that you feel like you've said it enough and aren't going to continue to say it to him b/c it keeps the wound open. You have chosen him and he must believe that you want to stay with him. Tell him that you have felt guilty for your EA but that you refuse to continue to live your life in guilt b/c you cannot grow as a person and your M cannot grow living in guilt.

that is a great idea. I don't have any problem reassuring him, but i just feel like the more he brings it up, the more it's right there in our face. I don't think about it until he says something. Then it's all right there again, me feeling guilty and him feeling hurt and angry. Next time he says something about it, I will explain this to him (as best i can)

I just believe as long as you "allow" him to do use this tactic, he will. When he sees that you refuse to buckle under and start all over with the apologies, then I think he will finally give it up.

I allow him to get away with a lot. I have to start standing up for myself. we are equals. I am not just around for cooking, cleaning, childcare and sex. I am his wife and i have to make sure he treats me like it. I started last night and have to get stronger about it.

I hope for your own state of mental health that you will choose to stop allowing him to use this to emotionally beat you down anymore. It will harm your own self-esteem and it won't be long until the M will be in big trouble again if you don't make him stop repeating this behavior.

He has gotten better than he used to be. I have friends tell me that i'm crazy for staying with him, but it's not that, i'm just crazy for letting him get away with it. Big Difference.

new goal: grow a backbone... stand up for myself.

[ann25]

journaling/venting/whatever:

somedays i feel like he is a WAH. I've read so many posts here about how WAS act after they've left (physically or emotionally) and i feel live i've been living like that off an on for the last 6 months or so (since d bomb). Some times he wants to be nice and we can have a normal conversation or nice evening, but most it's like walking on eggshells. i don't know what to say to him or how to act, nothing is ever right. for example: last night, i got home, gave him a kiss, asked about his day while i put away groceries, started dinner and then he asks me why I'm mad at him. where did that come from? I do the same thing most nights. After eating and getting the girls to bed, we sit down on the couch, i rubbed his feet cause he said they'd been hurting. My back started to hurt, so i wanted to lay down. I told him and laid on the other couch. as we are going to bed he asks why i don't ever want to be around him. wtf? where had i been all night... anyways, i just told him that i was sitting with him all night, that he must have had a rough day and if he wants to talk about how he's feeling i'd be happy to listen. then i went to get ready for bed. (i never would have done this, normally i would have asked why he was so upset or what had i done that made him feel like that)

he was also making comments all night about how he wanted to touch me and was whining some about how i wasn't letting him touch me. I know he meant it, but he said it with sarcasm, so i just laughed it off. This is normally something that I'd let get to me. He'd say that. I'd explain that i don't feel comfortable, he'd say something about how i talked to OM about stuff like that and then where would we be? I wasn't dealing with that last night. i was pretty proud of myself... Go ME!!

i am tired. baby with a fever and runny nose... no fun. I think i rocked her more than i slept last night.

[ann25]

hi dh

just trying to be a little stronger for me and not such a push over. I suppose if i'm going to be worried so much about how i treat him i should probably worry about how I'm treating me.

I am not going to give into the temptation to talk about R and I'm not even going to attempt to understand what he says he's feeling. Trying to work on validating not sympathizing. Not sure that I'm doing it right, but i'm taking baby steps in the right direction at least. If i don't I'll end up driving myself crazy

thanks for checking in!!

[Dom R]

Hiya Ann,
My mental buffer is unfortunately overflowing a bit.. i can only keep track of a few peoples' issues well :-} but as requested, I'm going to post something on "your" thread, about the specific issue we started talking about.


[fyi to others, this was started in http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1280017&page=1 ]

My biggest problem is i keep getting from him that he just wants his wife back. He wants me to be in love with him now. He wants me to be sexual with him like i used to. I just don't have it in me right now.

Something to think about:
of course he wants all those things... he wants a complete, fully intimate marriage and relationship with you.

Sure, he's LIKE it right now... but he is probably still capable of understanding that it will take a while to get there.

It might help you to reframe your viewpoint of his attitudes.
Rather than think of his desires for all that as a negative... How about thinking of it as a POSITIVE?
He really wants a fully connected marriage with you! That's a really good thing! It shows that he's fully committed to your marriage!

So long as he is capable of "delayed gratification" in that reguard, and doesnt require it all nownowNOW... I think that is a really good thing for you.

The point i wanted to make here is that, as a spouse that wants her M to work, but is going to be nervous and cautious, to be patient and not ask for the moon when you know she can't give it. it could make her think that her efforts are not good enough.

Well, what do you mean by "good enough", though?
"good enough" for now... or "good enough" forever?


Hypothetical situation:

Lets say that your husband lets you know that, for example, for him to be fully happy with your sex life, would mean having sex 4 times a week. However, he could still stay committed to your marriage, and keep working on it, if you had sex 2 times a week.
Otherwise, his physical needs are too much for him to deal with in a marriage positive way.

Currently, you are not having sex at all.

You tell him that you could only barely manage 1 time a week right now, and that is a really big effort on your part.

yes, you are putting in a really big effort.
yes, he should show appreciation for that, and try to be patient with you.

Is what you are doing, "good enough", for the long term future of your marriage, though?
If you believe what your H hypotically told you about his needs from the marriage.. seems like the answer is, "no, it is not 'good enough'" as a permanant thing.

In that situation, it seems like the caring, marriage positive thing for you to do, would be to acknowlege that what you are doing, is not "good enough" for the long term. To show understanding and compassion that you are not fully meeting his needs at the moment.

If you insist otherwise, then what you are doing, is saying that what is "good enough" for your husband, is determined by YOU, rather than determined by his feelings and his needs.
That sort of attitude, seems to me to totally invalidates his needs, his communication to you... and basically, his overall value as a person in the marriage. It makes him less important than you in the marriage.

Does that seem like a fair line of reasoning to you?

[ann25]

Hi DomR...

That makes total sense to me. We are ever changing people. As the sit changes, so does the effort we put in. No doubt about it. I was thinking in the begining (when i posted that for him) and she is first coming back...

anyways... I am thrilled that at least he says he wants to make our M work and he wants to have an even stronger M than we used to. It's just hard when his actions don't seem to echo his words. I'm not always negative (tho it may seem that way). I really do try to be appreciative and happy that he changed his mind about the divorce.

If we could have a rational conversation about anything along those lines (i need "X" 4 times a week) i would be in heaven. I wish i could just get him to tell me what he really needs... Maybe I'll just ask him specifically what he needs me to do to show him that I am trying. I don't think i've ever been that direct. it's always, what do you want me to do or what do you need from me?

It would just be nice to see an effort on his side too.. Although, i guess that's why I'm here and trying to figure it out and he's not.

[Dom R]

i scrolled up in this page.

this caught my eye:

i'm frustrated with myself because i don't know what it is specifically that turned me sooo off. I wish i could just flip a switch. I've always been HD and i miss it, but i just don't enjoy it with him right now (even since before the pregnancy)...

I think it's pretty clear what you need, and why you are turned off.

it's pretty difficult to be "turned on" by someone that you dont view as putting in any effort into your marriage.

So.. rather than trying to beg out of him all the time, "what do you need"... I think you need to do a 180, and come at him with, "this is what I need".

Seems like you KNOW what he needs already: more sex. horney, passionate sex from you.

So, i think you then need to have a talk with him. let him know that you are like most other women, and you need to feel actually connected to him, to feel passion for him.

If he gives you a [duh, what?] kinda reply, then you may do well in digging up one of those typical "for men" books, on "this is what a woman needs from a man if you want her to respond to you sexually".

If he wont listen to you, then maybe he is capable of reading about it from someone else.

[Atlas]

Ann,

I've been lurking a bit and I see some actions that your not doing that may help. You feel like since your being in the same room, watching TV with him, not having the EA that he should be grateful. Your dealing with a 26 man who has sexual needs, so you can sit right next to him all you want but it won't eleviate his problems at all. I'm not saying jump on the guy or nothing, but he needs to be made to feel like a guy. The flip side, since he does't feel like a man, he pouts around like a little boy, bo ho I get none. How can you respect that? I don't blame you that you don't.

So maybe try at the bottom of the sexual ladder and take each rung as it goes. Compliment something about him, little flirting here and there, build it up slowly and train this guy to realize that every little whisper, rear slap or whatever isn't going to lead to sex, but it will get there.

Also agree with Sandi on the EA, how can you two grow if he keeps using it as a weapon. It's a tool you two should learn from and not throw around talk about it lightly.