I see in your thread Brit that you are doing a very good job of making plans w/ your D. However, she is relying on you much more than my H is me. He only relies on me to take care of the Ds and his laundry. H does not look to me for an emotional support.
Quit doing his laundry then
Originally Posted By: lizzy
I just really feel that at this point in time he is going to take anything I ask about Christmas as manipulation. Since one of his issues w/ me is that it is me and the Ds and then him alone, I also hate to make plans that don't include him. It just seems that I am in a no win sitch.
You're not making plans that don't include him. You are making plans that he can be part of if he decides to be. The decision to being part of it is entirely his.
Originally Posted By: lizzy
I do plan to dec some halls tonight before he comes back tomorrow. I invited him to have dinner with us tomorrow and he said ok although he didn't seem excited. H keeps telling the girls on the phone that he misses them and loves them. Nothing for me. Last night he didn't even talk to me because his battery was low.
That sucks - Maybe he is tired, or stressed, or a mixture of both. My W and I only occasionally talk on the phone, but it's never anything really 'intimate' - No ILY or whatever, even though we do it in person.
H has told me he has gone down a couple of times to do laundry and that he feels bad that it is already done. The thing is, he puts it down the shoot. Does he expect me to sort it out and leave it in a pile? I would feel really pety doing that. I'll see what he does w/ all his clothes when he gets back from his trip tomorrow.
So, sort it out, leave it for him and see what happens. If he freaks out, start doing it again. If he's anything like my W, he's not going to remember it anyway, so just experiment a little. I think experimentation at some point is all that is going to have us make any progress.
I think experimentation at some point is all that is going to have us make any progress.
Yes, Brit, good advice for lizzy and anyone really. I experimented with my H to see how he would react, and I never really expected anything good or bad, so if it didn't work, I would say ok don't do that again. So experiment with little things and not just do things that you know will push his buttons. As we all can do that out of habit.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
I put up some more Christmas decorations tonight. We had to get up the stockings since tomorrow is St. Nick day. He always stops by out house. I decided to put up lights in the front windows and was in the process when H called to talk to Ds. Not sure if he asked to talk to me or if D asked if he wanted to. Anyway when she was bringing me the phone I was behind the curtains and couldn't find my way out. It was pretty funny and D told him what I was doing and what happened. H didn't say anything about it so I'll see what he says when he gets home. Ds want to get a real tree so I think tomorrow night I'll ask him if he would like to go with us Sat. to get one. A couple of years ago we went to a you cut place and it was fun. It is a local place that he likes to patronize so hopefully he will bite. I won't set my expectations high though.
H has told me he has gone down a couple of times to do laundry and that he feels bad that it is already done. The thing is, he puts it down the shoot. Does he expect me to sort it out and leave it in a pile? I would feel really pety doing that. I'll see what he does w/ all his clothes when he gets back from his trip tomorrow.
So, sort it out, leave it for him and see what happens. If he freaks out, start doing it again. If he's anything like my W, he's not going to remember it anyway, so just experiment a little. I think experimentation at some point is all that is going to have us make any progress.
I ended up having a 10 minute conversation with H last night after he talked to Ds. I don't remember what we talked about, but it seemed like a positive. H said he probably wouldn't call this morning because he would need to catch a cab. He ended up calling as we were getting ready for school. I thought that was another positive though we didn't talk much. D10 is really looking forward to his return. I am also and have missed him. I need to set my expectations low for tonight though. I invited him to have dinner with us so we will see what happens. Tonight is actually supposed to be his night w/ Ds.
Sent H a text at noon to see if he wanted time alone w/ Ds tonight. Thurs. is supposed to be his day. Never got a response and didn't hear from him until 4:30 when I saw he tried calling about ten min earlier. Called back and he said he had talked to D15 and would pick her up when she was done w/ school activities. Asked to talk to D10 then didn't talk to me again. I took D10 home and started dinner as I had invited him for dinner. H and D15 got home a little after 6. Told everyone when dinner was ready. Ds and I sat at dining room table. H got a plate and ate at the computer. This isn't unusual behavior and he has done it for years. I just thought it would be nice if he sat w/ us after being out of town most of the week.
H spent a couple of hours playing on the computer then sat on the couch with us to read the paper and watch tv. He stayed until after D10 went to bed then left.
H was not feeling well as he has bad cold. Find him some med and offered others as well as tea and such. He did thank me for making dinner. Don't know what the plan is for the rest of the week but H did ask D10 about skating tomorrow. I guess tomorrow I'll invite him to go get a tree with us on Sat. I decided to tell him I was planning to take Ds and he is welcome to go.
Today has started off in a horrible way. H came to the house in the morning and went in the basement to start his laundry. I had stuff in both the dryer and washer. H said he put stuff from dryer in basket and from washer into dryer. I didn't react well and went down to fold stuff from dryer. It was wrinkle from being in all night and I said it would have to be tumbled. H said he could do it and or put it with the stuff that was in dryer. I said that wouldn't help because it would need folded and I wouldn't be there. H said he could do it. POed me because all this was going on in front of D10 and it was making me look bad. H told me he could take his stuff to the laundrymat. I said no because that would make me feel worse and would also make me look worse to D10.
So I cried all the way to D15s school. She asked what was wrong and I told her PMS. (That is going on too and it makes things worse.) My C told me last week that I need to tell H how much I miss him and that the S has been harder than I thought it would be. Not DBing but I am paying for her advice. I see her on Monday and wanted to talk to H before then. I just didn't see the possibility of a productive conversation. Like an idiot I called his office phone and left a voice mail pouring out my thoughts. That was 2 1/2 hours ago and of course I have heard nothing. I did tell him it is up to him whether or not he wants to share his feelings about the S. I don't expect to hear anything. I'm sure I have completely thrown the train of the DB track.
This completely sucks. I'm doing a terrible job of detaching. I don't know how I will make it through Christmas when we can't even talk to each other.
I can't take hearing H tell the girls he loves them and misses them anymore. I feel like he is stabbing a knife in my heart everytime he tells them. It brings me to tears because he doesn't say it to me.
I can't take hearing H tell the girls he loves them and misses them anymore. I feel like he is stabbing a knife in my heart everytime he tells them. It brings me to tears because he doesn't say it to me.
I totally understand - It's REALLY hard to stay strong all of the time. It is so exhausting and almost debilitating at times. Sounds like you need some time to recharge and reset yourself if possible.
Maybe you can have him take the girls one evening and you can go somewhere with your friends? It's really tough when you spend so much time around kids without any adult contact. I know I had maybe three days straight a couple of weeks ago when the only human contact was with my D - I talked to W on IM, but it wasn't like a real verbal conversation.
Don't worry too much about calling your H - If he's mad, it'll blow over. He sounds pretty stressed out himself, so just take it easy and give him some space.
I wonder what would have happened if when he suggested the laundromat you just said "Let me get you a bag" and that was that?
Today has started off in a horrible way. H came to the house in the morning and went in the basement to start his laundry. I had stuff in both the dryer and washer. H said he put stuff from dryer in basket and from washer into dryer. I didn't react well and went down to fold stuff from dryer. It was wrinkle from being in all night and I said it would have to be tumbled. H said he could do it and or put it with the stuff that was in dryer. I said that wouldn't help because it would need folded and I wouldn't be there. H said he could do it. POed me because all this was going on in front of D10 and it was making me look bad. H told me he could take his stuff to the laundrymat. I said no because that would make me feel worse and would also make me look worse to D10.