Back at DB/new marriage new WAW

[Atlas]

dh,

Yep, I see a lot of similarities. I'm dealing with the same issues, physch problems, money, OM, etc. All I would say is that my play book is a little diffrent in that I shut off DB'ing, went dark and detached for a few months. I was so down I think I had to. So now that things are looking up, I'm doing a much better job because I won't let her suck me in.

First off, I would have a chat with her that the legal process is totally seperate from the M. You don't want to do it, but that you feel it necessary to protect you from her, vice versa and the kids. Also the law is not a weapon it's a tool, I'm sure you know this as an officer, but damn I hate when lawyers act like its a sword. My W was asking for more money then I make in a month, gross! Haha! Judge saw right through that BS. Just offer reasonable and the court will split it all down the middle. Since she is stay at home, I'm sure there will be some payment by you to her.

If you can convince her that the D is just a legal tool, seperate from your R, then you can relax around her. Don't be completely open like a book because if it gets into a nasty child custody battle she will use anything she can against you. But show her that your a kind Tim McGraw and not the man before.

The A is a symptom of problems prior to the seperation. She found her EN being met somewhere else. It won't last, but don't even bring it up, even if you know she is droping the kids off to go be with OM, I wouldn't say a thing. I really think when a W is having the A, they need to live through it and destroy it themselves or they will always wonder if they missed their romance of a lifetime. He's M for he!! sake, as soon as his W finds out you can bet it will be over, but don't be the teller either. Truth always comes out.

Just make sure your protecting yourself and the kids financially from whatever she may do. The Aliens seem to have droped my W off, and I'll tell you it must have been one heck of a probe, because she is so ashamed of her self, she can start crying at anything. It's their problem, they have to fix it, just look like the solution.

[dh4320]

Thanks Atlas,

i am totally detached, i dont bring up OM at all, we dont really talk right now just text or email, we dont even see each other because i have total custody right now and she goes to the sitters house to spend time with the kids and she leaves b4 i pick them up. I think she has recognized the fact her life is pretty screwed up right now with her comment the other day "my life is falling apart" i also heard she made a comment to a mutual friend that she feels that i would take her back at any point, so does that give her the emotional room to push me as far as i will let her?? dont know but its very tiring to take care of 2 little ones and work full time. Thanks Atlas for your response and i will keep an eye on yours as well and input what i can

[Atlas]

Wow,

You have sole custody for the time being? That is great, but she must be having some really BIG issues for the court to do that. You know what I think has sort of had my W turning and looking back, is that while I remain open to the idea of reconciling, we are getting the D. I have to be legally protected from her. Maybe if you requested a sit down with her and explained the following it will help:

1. We will be getting a D.
2. That doesn't mean we still can't try to reconcile and maybe marry again later. (That why she can't run you out of your house, and if you have the kids and she is a major screw up you just change the locks again!!)
3. If you need help for thereapy or doctor services I can assist.

I have basically done this with my WAW and she is dying now. I can see her wanting to come home and work it out. Calls me now, asked for a family activity, etc. However, I can see the guilt wave behind starting to rise up and she is crashing. She even said the other day it was so easy with OM, because she didn't have to face the fear of losing her S and family. Now she says she has no friends, family members are ashamed of her, she is in jeoperdy of losing her job, and the only person who has been the rock.

Its a tough sitch when the get this wacky, but she has to face her demons alone. Take care of the kids.

[dh4320]

Atlas,

I think you will be a big help to me, i am taking care of the kids and i agree the OM is a distraction and thats it. My W does not work, i told her to get a job, her whole family is ashamed of her she only has a few friends she still talks to, the ones that encourage her but in any case as far as the 3 ideas i have applied 2. I told her i would continue to pay for her counseling and that the D will still happen i had to file for the D in order to expedite the court order on the kids. But as far as she knows right now i have no interest in reconciling. At some point i am sure i would welcome her back but right now we are both pretty dark towards each other and dont talk. She is very stubborn and her pride is a big factor, again her Aunt has told me she runs from problems or has her whole life, but she cant run from this because i have the kids. SO i guess i dont know how to answer or how to approach her to being civil towards each other again. She also does not know i am planning on trying to keep myself as primary since she cant prove to me or the court that she can be stable enough to provide a safe home for our kids. i guess im a little lost right now...

[dh4320]

Ok all,

W is trying to move so quickly i cant keep up. I found someone to buy her pricy vehicle i will eat about 2K not bad compared to eating 12K trading it in. She is looking at a dodge nitro if i give her 5K as a down payment her payments will be around 350 a month, which is affordable but not until she gets a job. She is so desparate for money she asked our friend at the dealership if she could get some cash back and also asked if he knew anyone who would by her ring. That kinda pissed me off, but she paid her attorney 20K on her amex card and i told her i wasnt paying that so she is trying to get 20K for her ring which she wont get. How can this woman sell her ring like that, get a fricken job which i am sure she is still not doing. She is spending her days trying to still get back at me its killing me... and she wont even call me about the down payment she asked our friend to. I told him i would not put anything down if he cuts her cash back, i told him she will not learn a lesson if she just gets cash for things and does not work, so he said he would tell her the bank denied it. I dont feel like im dealing with a wife more like a spoiled teenage dughter!!!!

[Atlas]

dh,

I'm sorry man, this is so funny. I'm pretty frugal, I have huge school loans. So W left with a fully paid for Toyota Camry. Wasn't a sporty car or nothin, but what does she do, go and buy a VW convertable and get a 5 year loan on it. Then tried to ask for alimony, lol.

Also stick to your guns and protect yourself, you should talk to your attorney about being liable on anything from when you filed or seperated. You don't want to get stuck with all this new crap.

When I was at the darkest with my W, I know most of it was myself more so then hear. I was so sick of her BS that I quit talking, looking at her, etc. Well eventually I decided for my S's sake I better at least become amicable. Was able to do that. Then went from Amicable to starting to build a friendship, seems to getting their. Then I will go from friend to hopefully girlfriend. Wow that sounds freak'n weird. But the thing was it was one step at a time, just a hey he isn't feeling well today, so here is some med's can you give him some in 2 hours? Start small, expect nothing. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Sit back and just laugh about her craziness, that helped me.

[dh4320]

good points atlas,
I kinda laughed at her craziness after my last post, the reason i am somewhat helping her is our C we see the same C only IC no joint, he said dont quite cut her off at the knees but dont give in to everything either, I wonder if you can DB someone and actually push them away further??? anyway I did send her the email earlier that talked about our S saying please and thank yous and his progress on potty training to kinda break the ice a bit and let her know i am not just all business. dont know if she has read them yet or not.

[dh4320]

So i had an interesting C session tonight. He has never heard of DB but his ways are very much like DB. He said it is important to detach. He says woman are attracted to Men who do what they want to do, and can fully deal with what is happening to them. Sometimes you can fake it he says but he also said if you have been together long enough your spouse can see right through the fakeness. So his basic teaching is to detach and work on you, do the things you want to do and your spouse will take notice. My W sent me some emails tonight thanking me up and down for sticking to my word of helping her with a new car. At first i told my counselor that i felt like it was helping her get another step away from our R, but he said its not that he said its me showing the W i am still willing to help her and that i care about her... what do you guys think??

[Atlas]

dh,

Sounds like a pretty good C, I would stick with him. Plus he has the inside track on both of you and is still trying to save the M, sounds good.

As for W's email thanking you, that is a positive. She needs to know that your there and willing to help, but you won't be walked on. So keep it all business for a while, but make the interactions pleasent for her.

[dh4320]

thanks atlas,

I plan on being there to help but not be manipulated, and yes the C is here to save the marriage, he does say it is way too early to work onthe marriage, he says she still needs space and time to let the demons out. He is a very good C and he is proud of me being strong and noble.

D