You said it all, my friend! And boy, oh boy, did I need that!
I heard from the kids he went on a dating website and I guess I was curious and glad at the same. I could not believe he would do that and knew that it would be the end of the Rat. So, I was happy for my kids knowing that would be the nail in the coffin if the Rat saw the profile.
So, when I read it I thought, oh, that was on the button. And that was that. Didn't think twice. I went on my daily life until I had two people tell me that thought it was a dig at me.
I have been so emotional due to the holidays that I broke but I am track now, thanks to you, spitty and A.H. Most days, I am fine..on the days that are long, I am chaueffering the kind around, doing homework, grading papers and I look in the mirror and think, omg, when did I start lookin like that (ugh) my guard goes down.
I was mostly curious as to how much income he reported on his profile..it has prompted me to take care of some unfinished business with my D with finances. I thought he was just "getting by" so I dropped it..Now he is Mr. Money Bags so he can cough up the dough he owes me and the kids.
I guess there was some kind of hurt that was stirred up again, too. It was more than the match thing. It was the fact he dumped me for the Rat and then he dumped the Rat the exact same way. The kids are all seeing this..Textbook..all over again..I thought he had changed..I know the Rat was just that..a rat that filled the emotional void..but he did majorally dump her.
Too much thought has gone into all this but you did make a heck of a lot of sense. He is a child..he needs help..all the stuff you listed that you had remembered is right..he needs help and will always need help..
I was a great wife and thanks for reminding me. I guess when you are told over and over how much you failed you need to be reminded every now and then.
I emailed him two times about kids schedules, concerns about x-mas, money stuff.
I got a curt email basically saying that he is to see proof of expenses, how I misread the divorce settlement when it comes to finances..and basically a "screw you" letter.
I was nice. I was sincere.
Enough is enough.
I told him in the reply that I wasn't an employee or his girlfriend and I am done with his condescending lectures. I was no longer intimidated on how he "tells" me what I am and what I am entitled to. I said I was no longer the scared wife that I once was of his criticisms and rude comments.
Basically, in a nutshell, I told him to fork over the dough he owes me or else. ( I have never done that before..I was always a kill it with kindness person but it hasn't worked). I told him that I am sure the judge would like to know that he is claiming to make double of what he made in the past and how the child support guidelines can be adjusted in one fell swoop.
He nickels and dimes me to death and I never, ever ask for any more money than what the judge stated. However, when it comes with getting reimbursed, he is a total ass..he is technically supposed to reimburse for medical with proof..which I have.
We got a 8K check from homeowners for his damaged boat when we were married. It was made out to the two of us. Technically, it was money used to reimbursed for damaged marital property which makes the money marital property. I never saw a dime from that check and his boat was appraised for nothing in the settlement due to the damage he acquired during a race.
You know what? I feel pretty good. For years and years I allowed him to speak to me as if I was a child. Telling me what I was entitled to, why I should do and not do. I take half the responsibility for falling into that trap but not anymore.
When he is back with the RAt, he treats me like sh**. I am done with that game.
Xh is no longer welcome in my home nor in my thoughts until he decides whether he wants to remain civil or not Either way is fine with me. I REFUSE to go back and forth like this guessing whether or not he is going to respond to my emails nicely or not. I played that game when I was married. Playing it now is just participating in this MLC game of his. Not anymore.
I am starting a new business. I teach writing classes at a local college. I keep up with my kids homework, tons of activites and their everyday well-being. I am exhausted. If XH wants me to play these games, it's his problem.
My kids are going to see me draw the line, finally. Pretending it's all peaches and cream with XH is not reality. I was treated like crap for years while we were married and then when we were separated. I am not going to allow this cycle of dysfunction to continue. What the heck is this teaching my kids? That is it is okay to spit in their spouses face one minute, then flirt with them the next? It's sick.
Also, my uncle died yesterday. I am pretty upset about it as I lost my aunt (who was like my second mom to me two years ago today). Originally, my email to XH was addressing bringing the kdis to a funeral on his Saturday. THere was no mention of my uncles' passing..no acknowledgement, nothing. My XH spent every holiday with them for 15 years.
HIs selfishness is gettting old and I FINALLY called him on it today.
As for the death of my uncle, it's really sad. My cousin was one of three kids and lost her oldest brother. She lost her mom two years ago today and her dad yesterday. She is a wonderful person and doing okay. Her daughter text messaged me yesterday she wants to come stay with me. I really need to step up to the plate right now and be strong for them and I will, my mom, too as it was her sister's husband that died. He was like a brother to her.
So, I guess you could say getting xh's stupid email really made an impact on my psyche because I was sad about all the other things going on in my life. His self-created drama and pity-party attitude is going to get no reaction from me unless it is aimed maliciously at me or the kids. Other than that, he can go scratch himself..
Okay, off to get ready for my date night tonight. New Guy taking me out for a little shrimp dinner and nice stiff Cosmopolitan. Thank God..
Thanks for reading and letting me vent. I am okay..I feel good and believe it or not, empowered. It's the first time since XH left that I challenged his intellect and stuck up for myself without yelling at him..Yay for me.
Good for you on the XH front. Sorry about your uncle's passing, and yes, the lack of response is typical of MLC selfishness. your X does seem to be having a long one!
Being blamed for the break-up of XH and the Rat is the latest..
Evidently, the Rat read the email. There was a match.com reference..She didn't know.
Give me a break.
My XH told me I deliberately did that. Why the hell is she reading his email? I thought he read it because he has a blackberry now.
I have to censor what I write to him in case I get him "in trouble" with her? GIVE ME A BREAK.
If I wanted to do that, I would have told him I am sick of him flirting with me, how he asked me to go away with him for xmas and telling my D that he never should have left me.
Now he won't take the kids for the night cause he is pissed at me. I was so looking forward to my date with New Guy.
Hi, Snodderley just posted to Mopsey 'If they could blame us for the sun coming up they would'
Aint that the truth?
If their r was so fragile that it took this to destroy it? Give me a break too.
He is p*ssed off because he has made a huge mistake in losing you, and isn't man enough to step up to the plate. And I really love that he is 'punishing' you by not having his kids, how nice for them. Must make them feel so special.
Being blamed for the break-up of XH and the Rat is the latest..
Evidently, the Rat read the email. There was a match.com reference..She didn't know.
Give me a break.
My XH told me I deliberately did that. Why the hell is she reading his email? I thought he read it because he has a blackberry now.
I have to censor what I write to him in case I get him "in trouble" with her? GIVE ME A BREAK.
If I wanted to do that, I would have told him I am sick of him flirting with me, how he asked me to go away with him for xmas and telling my D that he never should have left me.
Now he won't take the kids for the night cause he is pissed at me. I was so looking forward to my date with New Guy.
He is such an ass..
Myturnnow, he sounds like not just an ass, but a complete and thorough horse's ass! I think you ought to just kick him between the legs next time you see him and let him lay there and think about it for awhile.
Let me say, along with his MLC I think your EX is bipolar. He has so many mood swings! One minute he likes you, the next he hates you. He's obviously a very unhappy, unstable, mixed up soul. Good for you for standing up to him. My suggestion is to keep it business-like. You know what you are due. Ask him nicely, twice, and then let it be until he is in one of his "good" moods. That shouldn't take too long... he changes like the weather. Then "remind" him once more. If he blows you off after that, go for the throat. Maybe you'll luck out and get that same judge who was so enamored of your ex during your divorce.
As for the Rat reading his email, what poetic justice! What's the matter with her? Me thinks she may be suffering with some "trust issues." You know the old adage, "If he'll do it with you, he'll do it to you." I think that came from Dr.Phil. And NKK is mad at you for letting the cat out of the bag about his cheating profile on Match? Are you joking! He is so pathetic! Isn't there something satisfying in knowing that they both have to live their lives checking up on each other because their relationship was based on cheating and lying. I love it!! Oh, there truly are repercussions for all the choices we make in life.
So sorry about your uncle. This is a tough time of year for such a loss.
Hang in there, Honey. Don't let the Nutty Koo Koo get you down.
Hugs,
Spitty
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
Thanks so much for your posts. Yea, spitty, I do think he is bipolar. Funny, when XH left one doctor thought I was bipolar. Then my T told me that when you live with someone who is up and down all the time you start to mirror their actions. Happy when they are up, sad when they are down. Make sense?
Well, I left out some info on yesterdays' post as I was too exhausted to type. I called XH at work for the first time in years to discuss him blowing off the kids (I should have let it ride..ignored him for doing so, but I didn't..live and learn) and the Rat answered.
I told her that it was never my intent to hurt her through my emails to XH. I told her I was unaware of her still reading his emails. (I know, shouldn't have said a thing to her but I did..too nice at times, I guess) She said some bogus excuse for reading but said the only way I ever know the truth or what he is doing with his schedule is by reading the emails.
I know it sounds twisted, but I understood.
She told me she is done. How abusive XH STILL is. How many mistakes she made. How much he has hurt her. How much he lies and lies to her. I don't think she was looking for a pity party, I think it was her assimilating to me saying, she got what she deserved. She more or less said so.
I see in retrospect the chick didn't deserve the power of my thoughts or my words. However, it makes me sick to my stomach (literally, I have had no appetite) that XH is continuing the cycle of abuse that he did to me, he saw as a child that his dad did to his mom and stepmom. The disrespect to women is awful and my kids see it, still.
Here, the Rat goes away, he puts his profile on a dating webiste, has all these women emailing and calling..all the while the kids are with him for the weekend. He is showing pictures of the girls to the kids, asking their opinion..Sick.
Fastfoward a week later, he and the Rat go away on a business trip together. She knows nothing about it. They shack up and come home as if nothing had happened, meaning, she and XH are still a couple.
As predicted, XH is now shooting off bullying emails to me. That is what he does when he gets back together with her. Instead of me not responding as I usuaually do, I reply to his email. I tell him to get his act together and stop the bullsh**t.
He goes ballistic. Calling my kids. Telling my D that mom got what she wanted. All over two lines in an email referring to his dating webstie. The guy puts his life story on the internet and he yells at me for blowing his cover!! That is pretty funny you have to admit.
So, I kept my head on straight while I talked to the Rat. She is an idiot. She and my XH have, get this one, gone through SIX COUNSELORS together. She said every time they start to get into XH's brain a bit he dumps them.
She also said that the XH has done worse things to her than spit in her face. That made me sick. He is a monster. When I told her that all I wanted was for things to settle down and that XH should be grateful I even give him the time of day for doing that to me, she said he has done stuff like that to her.
She said he calls her a loser all the time. Criticizes her and lies to her.
How do I feel about all this? Well, I feel mad I even let all this nonsense go so far. I shouldm't have spoken to her but I did. I was not curious at all about her or her life with XH but I told her I didn't want the kids around it anymore. She said she didn't blame me and that is why she and my XH don't get together when the kids are around anymore. Whatever.
She is a sick ticket and I am sure fed me what I want to here. She asked me to please not tell XH about the conversation or he would fire her. She said she needed the money because she has to pay her L to take her XH back to court.
I am not getting involved. If she is allowing him to do all this stuff to her, it is her issue, not mine. But I have to admit, to hear about his abusive ways, well, I want to go up in his face and slap him. What makes him think it is okay to do those things to another human being? He learned NOTHING from our M ending. Nothing.
Well, your posts were right on the button, so thank you. I needed the pep talk because I hate it when my emotions get out of control. I pride myself now on not letting XH get to me and my psyche, but he does. It's being pricked by a needle over and over again and I am a balloon...and then POP!
MTN - these twisted people know exactly which buttons to press! It is one of their few life skills, sad to say. Hey, I would rather be a dork!!
You are well out of this one. Interesting that he shoos the messenger giving the bad news, [dumping the counsellors] but not surprising.
You have broken the cycle of abuse with your kids, and be grateful for that. Congratulations on the convo with the RAT. you are a lady I am proud to know.
