Pregnant and abandoned #3

[blindsided1]

In response to my last thread:" http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1271303&page=1&fpart=11
Responding to ImLin and ann25:
I think the reason it's hard for me to go dark (besides the fact that I'm weak and needy and hormonal and sad and blah blah blah) is that I feel horrible being mean. I hate the idea of shutting him out and knowing that he's going to be angry. I know that I shouldn't care if I make him angry or hurt him. God knows he has hurt me very deeply. Regardless of what everyone is telling me, and I know that you have all been there and done that, it feels so against what I would normally do that I worry if I'm doing the right thing. I was never weak in our relationship. I was always the strong one, always. I had all the control and now he has it. I know he loves it because it's been a long time coming and I know that he is enjoying the fact that he has two women pining away for him. My head IS clear, believe me. I can see it. I see the damage I am doing when I push or bring up the R or cry or beg. I see that he is using me. I see that he is making himself #1 and not us, definitely not me. But, my darn heart gets in the way and since it is broken IT isn't thinking clearly.

[blindsided1]

Well it's another crappy day. I don't know if it's the hormones or what, but I am still waking up crying. I've been really sad all day. Actually I've been really sad for the last couple of days. I want my husband home and that is all consuming to me. I hate the idea of him spending time with OW. I hate it. I know that I am just repeating the same things over and over, but it is how I feel. I just feel really lost. Last night I was reading the baby books and all I could think about was the fact that he wasn't there to share in this with me. I know it's his loss, but it's my loss, too. I just want this to stop hurting. It hurts too much.

[Startingover2]

It will hurt. You had a vision of how your 'family' would be and now he has severely changed that. He is not stepping up. Neither is my dh, so all we can do is switch gears ourselves and be happy on our own.

My dh sent a few texts this morning to which I have ignored. He was asking how baby and I were. Pure guilt reliever. If he truly cared he would be here. He then sent a text saying I have to be civil as we are having a child. I just picture him jumping up and down like a kid having a tantrum because he isn't getting his way. Sorry, he wants this life, he has to live with the consequences. It was hard not to text back, but I am tired of the bootmark on my forehead.

[Pudmuddle]

Hey blind,

I'm sorry that you are continually feeling down and let down. You have heard this all before, but you need to let go. Have you considered writing all of these thoughts out in a journal? I found that writing this all out in private, instead of everything on here, helped me sort things out immensely. I can't tell you how many revelations came to me while I was journaling and sorting all the good in evil out in my heart and my mind. Write about everything, everything, good and bad. Just write like you never have before. In the long run, this helps clear the emotions out of your heart and your brain. Just a suggestion to help you begin to heal.

Always here,

[blindsided1]

SO2: you are so right about the picture of my family. It just breaks my heart that he could do this. When I first found out that he was thinking of leaving, I never for a moment thought that he would ever choose OW over his wife and child. It just didn't even occur to me. He use to talk about how he felt like he was at a cross roads and if he takes one path, he looses us and if he takes the other path he looses her. I think maybe that is why I am so focussed on OW. I feel like he CHOSE her over us and that is a horrible feeling. My H text messaged me this am also, I did not respond, either.

Puddle:
I am trying to let go, but not really. One minute I just want to say screw it and forget about him and the other minute all I want is for him to come home. I am journaling and it does seem to help. I let things out here, a lot, because the feedback is what helps me.

[blindsided1]

Well, it's time for bed. I ignored his texts tonight and I expected him to call, but he didn't. I know, don't have any expectations. I just feel like the more space I put between us, the more space he puts between us. Isn't he suppose to fill it in? I guess I'm hoping for immediate results.

[bhopeful]

It can take a while for them to start to pick up the slack. They won't start to pick it up until they are sure that you are consistent in your changes. How long it will take depends on the person and the situation. It took my W a month though. That's why GALing and having a PMA are so important. Take this time to really focus on yourself. Get rid of your expectations and detach.

Here's something that I found somewhere on letting go:
Letting Go
To let go doesn't mean to stop caring;
It means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off...
It's the realization that I can't control another...
To let go is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try and change or blame another,
I can only change myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own outcomes.
To let go is not to be protective,
It is to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish the moment.
To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more.
(I would give credit, but I have no idea where it came from...)

Peace,
B

[ann25]

good for you.

like bhopeful said, he's not going to start filling in the gaps until he's sure that you are done doing it. Right now, he's probably thinking "she'll call/respond tomorrow" it's going to take a lot of consistant behavior to show him that if he misses you, he's going to have to come get you. Hang in there sweetie... you can do it!

[blindsided1]

I'm such an idiot. Really, I am. Today we had our first Doctor's appointment with the OB/GYN. I went with a PMA. I told myself that I was NOT going to talk about the R. Everything went fine at the office. We were walking back to our cars. He was showing me something on his phone and there was a picture of OW on his phone. I felt like the wind was knocked out of me. He knew and kept asking me what was wrong? Finally, I just said, "you never put a picture of me on your phone." He said that he didn't mean for me to see it. But, it changed the whole dynamic of the day. Then it was just disappointment and anger and hurt and sorrow. And, I turned into that stupid, pathetic, whiney, needy, sad little girl. I am so angry at myself right now. It hurt and it hurt bad. I just couldn't seem to stop myself. And, then he started telling me, again, why he left and I defended myself. And, when he wanted to leave I got clingy. For godsake, what is wrong with me? Why can't I just let him go? Why can't I just get over him? I feel like I just made that gap much much larger. Now he is really pushed away. I'm sure of it. Why would he want to be around me right now? Why do I do this? Why? I feel so incredibly weak. Damn I'm mad at myself.

Someone slap me. Is there anyway to recover from this? HELP

[ann25]

you may have had a rough day with him, but look what it did for your attitude. Rather than coming here and saying "he had her picture on his phone and he never did that for me, it's not fair" you acknowleged how you reacted and how that is going to affect your progress... one backwards step with H, but a huge step forward for you, which is really important!!

Just pick yourself up, dust off and do it right the next time. you're not going to be a perfect DBer, but you will get better.