I really am not sure how it happened or why but a huge event has happened in my sitch. My WAW pulled a big 180 on me. I could tell yesterday that she did not sound real good at work but she asked if we could talk later yesterday evening. I said OK but was unsure of what she was going to say. The night before she ripped my heart out and I listened a lot, validated, and said very few statements but spoke with my heart. Last night she came by our house and we began to talk. She first asked what I thought of the conversation the night before. I replied that while it was not what I wanted to hear I thought that it was positive that we were at least talking about our issues and conflicts. Then she began to talk about how she had been rethinking things after our conversation.
She said that she had doubts about her decision to leave and that we would always wonder whether or not we truly gave it all we had before we made a decision one way or the other. She then began to cry and ASK for forgiveness for everything that she had done to me including the EA with the OM. She also asked me to take her back and if I could find it in my heart to forgive her and would be willing to work on our M, she would be willing to put everything she could into it (not sure what "everything" is right now. I was completed shocked. She said that she did not want to abandon all of our friends but she said that we need to spend time together and figure out how to fulfill each others needs. She could not give me a committment that she would stay forever for sure. She said that could not guarantee how long she could try. She said 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years, or forever. She just said that she could not live unhappy but was willing to explore our M to see if it is worth saving for both our sakes. I reassured her that intend on keeping my promise to her that I made on our wedding day and that I would never quit trying or fighting for her.
I really did not want to ask what brought about the change of heart but I really did need some insight. After all, we need to keep positive changes going. She said that last night before we left she asked me to read off what I had written on my notepad. The notepad had a few lists on it that included my perspective on some goals that we should have together, her needs, and my needs. She said that ultimately what I had written down was what she wanted. I think she must have realized that "I am getting it".
I am cautiously optimistic. I realize that I barely even have a yellow light here. I should procede with extreme caution. Although, we already met two of my personal goals this morning when she initiated a hug and a kiss before she left for work. Interesting. We have a long ways to go and I am eager to put in the work or effort. I asked her what an effort to her looked like and she could not explain that right now. She asked me how much effort I was willing to put forward and I answered that I would match her efforts completely so as not to smother her nor to be considered slack.
I really don't know what to do from this point or how to proceed. Any thoughts?
ME-30 WAW-28 T-12yrs M-5yrs no kids Bomb 10/1/07 S-10/1/07
First off, say "Yippee!" She has said that she wants to try. These are the words that all LBS want to hear. Take a time out and just be happy about where you are at for the moment, as compared to two nights ago.
I don't have much else advice, as I haven't been in your place yet...I agree that you will need to take it slow and cautious; things are good right now, but it is hard to tell how stable it is. I have seen posts on here about what to do when the WAS has a renewed interest in trying, find those and read them. Follow what was on your notepad, that showed that you are getting it, and follow her lead as to how much pressure to put on her with the R. Good luck!
Me: 43 W: 41 Together 2009, Married 2011 Sons 10 and 6, Daughter 5 Bomb 2/21/21. W moved out 10/2021
1. Retrouvaille 2. Try the marriagebuilders.com site. A lot of the concepts overlap with DBing, and it's more oriented to rebuilding a marriage. 3. Try the Mort Fertel book, "Put Love First". My W wouldn't do it with me, but I think it's a pretty good strategy for sparking love again. 4. The Gottmans have some really good books on the subject. Do a search on Amazon and take a look.
I think you've got a green light. Take it slow, and go the speed limit, but that's a huge step on your W's part.
Other's have had similar turnarounds, and had their W's waffle back and forth, so you're not out of the woods yet. Keep up focusing on improving yourself and giving her space as she wants it. That said, that's a pretty strong statement from you W.
Very happy for you.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
OK - this is great news. I think this is what most LBS live for - a final chance to do M the right way. For so many WAS, once they get on a course, they wont get off for a long time. Your W came to the realization early that she will not find peace without trying to save the marriage.
1. Start combing through DR book, now. The book is written as a tool to prevent D - though most of us find it a few days or a few weeks too late. There is tons of info there.
2. You need Gary Chapman's book - Five Love Languages. This is one you both need to read and learn.
3. Get yourself a good, easy to read Bible. You tried marriage you way - now try it the right way. Look for either a New Living Translation or an Amplified Version. And when you are ready for specific resources for healing the marriage, ask. Spirituality is something you have to want. It cant be force fed. But when you understand that all your issues, you W issues, my issues are already written about - finding peace, comfort, spirituality and God is easy.
Last edited by I_Wanna_Make_It_Work; 12/06/0703:18 PM.
Me - 43 and She -36. No kids. Married 7 yrs - Together 14 yrs
Awesome news!!!!! This is very encouraging for the rest of us who are fighting hard to remain positive. Sure you're not out of the woods yet but I think you can at least see the path out! Anyhow, I have to tip my hat to the folks who in spite of there being another person involved (EA / PA whatever) have the strength to battle on. BRAVO to you Pioneer and to the others in similar sitchs. When you get further along, it would be nice if you could report back what your WAW thinks made her have a change of heart. No rush though. Do your thing we will be waiting for your "report". After all, you are well on your way to being a succes story.
Awesome news!!!!! This is very encouraging for the rest of us who are fighting hard to remain positive. Sure you're not out of the woods yet but I think you can at least see the path out! Anyhow, I have to tip my hat to the folks who in spite of there being another person involved (EA / PA whatever) have the strength to battle on. BRAVO to you Pioneer and to the others in similar sitchs. When you get further along, it would be nice if you could report back what your WAW thinks made her have a change of heart. No rush though. Do your thing we will be waiting for your "report". After all, you are well on your way to being a succes story.
