I am very blessed to have a H that does not treat me that way after my EA. I was leary at first that he would bring it up whenever we tried to talk about our R right after it all hit the fan. I told him right off that I would not discuss the OM with him and that I would not discuss the EA if he made any reference to it whenever we talked. In other words, I let him know right away that I would not tolerate him throwing my EA up in my face everytime I turned around. I told him that I could have chose the OM. I told him that I was offered financial security from the OM, which was more than my H could give me at that time, but I still chose to stay in the M. My H told me that he did not ever have to mention it again.......and he hasn't. I give him credit for being that big of a man.
This is my take on your stitch with your H now. Tell him that you have told him that you are sorry and that you feel like you've said it enough and aren't going to continue to say it to him b/c it keeps the wound open. You have chosen him and he must believe that you want to stay with him. Tell him that you have felt guilty for your EA but that you refuse to continue to live your life in guilt b/c you cannot grow as a person and your M cannot grow living in guilt. If he chooses to throw it up in your face everytime there is a disagreement about something, he is placing the M in turmoil. He either forgives you and trust you and moves ahead or he doesn't, but you, Ann, are going to move ahead and live your life "as if" this never happened (except what was learned from it). Tell him that it is his choice to live in insecurity or trust but that you are not going to allow him to make you feel guilty or continue to tell him you are sorry for your mistakes anymore. Tell him it is over and done with and that's it.
It's not that I disagree with what was said by the others, I just believe as long as you "allow" him to do use this tactic, he will. When he sees that you refuse to buckle under and start all over with the apologies, then I think he will finally give it up. He probably does need some emotional strokes right now and his ego fed, but try to reassure him in other ways instead of always going back to the EA and reliving all that again. That is unhealthy. I think if you can act upbeat and show him you are happy with him and that he is number one with you, that will enforce the love he is needing to feel.
I hope for your own state of mental health that you will choose to stop allowing him to use this to emotionally beat you down anymore. It will harm your own self-esteem and it won't be long until the M will be in big trouble again if you don't make him stop repeating this behavior. After you explain to him that you aren't going to continue going through this with him anymore and the next time he tries to bring it up about you finding somebody else......just hold up your hand and tell him in a calm voice that you refuse to discuss it. Then don't talk about it.....get up and start doing something else. If he continues to stomp around or pout......just let him. If he leave the house mad, don't worry about it. This is something he has to work out for himself, you have done what you should, now it is up to him to do what he should.
I know how hard it is, since I have been in the same boat in an EA. Even after chosing to stay in the M, it is not easy. So anytime you want to just talk to me, come on over to my thread (which you have before and I appreciated what you had to say).
Sandi2
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
