jmw - I can't quote the chapter and verse, but I am fairly sure that more than one poster has noted an earlier 'episode' or uncompleted crisis.
My h had a kind of breakdown - a period of severe depression around the time of my father's death 20 years ago. Curiously I believe it was my mother's death that trggered his full blown MLC - he was MUCH closer tomy parents than his . . .
I think many signs are there in these damaged people, but we keep them going . . .
My H was very close to my parents, not so much to his, just about tolerated his mother.
Not now, he is now close to his mother, has nothing to do with mine.
He seems to be in full agreement of his mothers actions, interestingly his father was very ill when he had his 1st crisis, he died we got H back, but I don't think this is the significance, I think the significance is major problems at work more than family issues, although this is totally denied, he claims that demotion is the best thing to have happened, claims it was the wake up call he needed, and he enjoys his work,he lives work.Used work as his excuse for not having time for seeing sons when he first left, told them he was too busy, that they should make it easier for him, because he has a really busy life. Both times he has had problems at work he has gone off the rails, only this time it seems for good, not just a few months.
Angelica, I like you are to blame for the breakdown of the family, I read of WAS beginning to realise that they had a part to play.
It's not happening around here, H is just delusional, he believes that he is right and can't accept he had anything to do with the family breakdown, he is no where near seeing the light, so i'm going to save my enegry and switch the light off.
I read your thread reguarly, our sons experience is tough.
jmw, I have read your thread and it could be mine. I wish to tell you that my ex's mother died in 1991 and I don't think ex ever really accepted that she had gone and in a way he blames himself for her passing as he went to the chemist for the emergency order of morpheine, he thinks that if he didn't go to the chemist his mother would be here today, I think not as she had battled cancer for 5 years, I didn't know anything about this until he had been left almost a year and my mum and I were chatting and she told me this is what he had confessed to her one day years ago. So that could have been what semi triggered his so called mlc and then his dad passed suddenly in sept 2004, ex came back from the hospital that night and declared himself an orphan. I do think that this woman he as married heard all about ex being in an emotional state and the best fact that he had just taken redundancy payment and sold his dad's house and inherited quite a lot of money, she pounced and he took off, funny thing is he is now having to sell what was our house as he is struggling for cash. He too was a workaholic, I now hear he is out of work again this is the second time in all this that he as packed his job in, never would have dreamt of it before. I heard the other day that the garage up at his house the one we have just left as been broken into, well there wasn't anything of mine in there but there was bits and pieces of ex's in there, you know tool kits, golf clubs and some more of his crap that I left, apparently these things are still there, and I ask myself that although he knows we have left why hasn't he been and moved his stuff from there, I wouldnt want to buy a house with someone elses crap in, although as I have said on my post he hasn't been seen near the place, and he sent a letter to my solicitor stating he was upset because we hadnt told him we had left. What goes on in their heads beats me, I have told son not to expect to hear from him for christmas, I would be very surprised if he did try and contact son, afer all he hasn't spoke to or tried to contact him for 9 months now, cant see christmas changing that.
Mandyloo, it's seems harsh but I think it is better for your son that his dad isn't in contact, it's better that way than hit or mis, touch and goes that my sons are experiencing.
My lads get upset that the contact is just around events, because they feel that their dad contacts them to make himself feel better more than really wanting to be with them, I have to say I agree.
That is a family thing on the in laws side, must visit birthdays, christmas, before a holiday, after a holiday, but never in between these times, so maybe, even though H thought this was crazy, he is falling into his families bizarre ways. I don't know, it's just not worth worrying about.
Hi,just chatting, 2 years on and the vivid dreams are back, why when I feel so much calmer do I dream like this.
Each dream has involved H & I, last night I was lay on the bed with my head on H's chest, we were both reading through our financal settlement statement for the divorce, we were discussing each point, he was asking me to explain it all to him, he was asking me how I came up with the figures, I was explaining all this while he was stroking my hair.
I woke up upset, I've not done this for at least 18 months.
whenever H & I were going through stuff like financial matters we would usually sit very close together and read through things together, we would often lie on the bed together.
The mind plays games, Why would I place our position now into the picture of our old life, very confusing dream.
I was thinking the other day how I made myself think that H was telling the truth when he denied his A, I made myself believe him, I told people I believed him, I didn't receive any advice, people just let me get on with it.
2 yrs on I can see how I convinced myself to make myself feel better. I didn't want to face the truth, a few months later when I realised I knew the truth, the depression came crashing in acutely, for 4 months I was an absolute zombie, slowly I began to see everything clearer, I didn't understand but I knew what was happening. I began to rebuild my life and enjoy my friends and family again.
My calender, Christmas 05- happy until bomb, Christmas 06- just living day by day, pretending to be happy. Chistmas 07-living a fulfilled and happy life.
When I think about it, the pattern of the stages is the same, only difference is without OW/OM as a distraction we heal quicker than the MLCer.
H's calander, Christmas 05- wanting to be somewhere else with some else, Christmas 06- living the single life, estranged from sons. Christmas 07-living the single life, estranged from sons.
We do move on, we don't think we do but on reflection and in comparison with our WAS we move on at a healthy pace and in the right direction.
This board helped me heal quicker I think, I could sit in the comfort of my own home feeling supported in the company of the board, I think this board has helped me to be relaxed in my own company - thank you.
We're discussing vivid dreams on my thread too. angelica says that dreams 'explain where our thoughts and feelings are . . . that we understand things at a level we cannot access when we are awake'. There's more if you're interested...
Quite a few comments on recent posted threads suggest that a WAS just leaves, has no contact and gets on with their new life.
That the MLCer leaves but remains in contact somehow, that they show some kind of connection even if it through anger and agression.
This info means that my H is simply a WAS, no contact, no spewing, no nothing, only just started to make contact with eldest S19, tried with S16 but has now backed off again.
Should I just give up now? am I wasting my time DB? I have always felt in the minority here on this board, I'm not able to post much info because I just don't have anything to offer.
It makes me feel very sad that H could be right, that although he spent 23 years with me that he didn't love me, that he married me thinking I would change and I never did.
It hurts to think that he stayed just because we had the lads to think of and he has left because he thinks they are old enough to go it alone.
It is tough to read posts sometimes, because quite often we recieve a wake up call -
WAS? I have been questioning this a lot recently, I think I have found the answer, If they go without making contact then I can count on it being over totally.
It is Christmas H's family carry on as if we don't exist, apart from one aunt who sent a card address to H and family, I wouldn't mind if she was out of touch with reality but she is fully aware, helped set him up in his new place. I hope to think it was thoughtless rather than a cruel message. I just don't know.
Two years of DB, being patient, being kind has just left H out there, enjoying life to the full, he is happy, he has everything he needs,
He simply doesn't need us, we are disposable assetts to him, I really think he feels he has done his job, he brought the lads up kept a roof over their heads, fed them, clothed them and now it is his time, and he feels justified.
He really thinks he gave me everything I needed, he thinks he cared, he believes I am to blame for all of this, I didn't change, I didn't match up to his expectations, I didn't continually support his every decision and act as "the little wife"
My H clearly had an Exit affair, he used her, she meant little, He told his mother this, Oh she's nothing, she's not why I left.
He wanted out, the only lingering was so he didn't have to move out 3 days before christmas, he denied the A long enough to enjoy the warmth and the turkey just once more.
He wanted out, it was just that I discovered his plan a little earlier than he had planned.
MLc I don't know, he did have classic signs, but I'm not sure now, maybe I put them there in the hope that it was.
Hi all, been reading but not posting, not had much to offer or to say, all silent on the H front since Christmas.
Before Christmas I was beginning to believe H was simply a walk away, I saw nothing, I heard nothing, he seemed to just be getting on with life fine & dandy.
This past week I have heard a depressed H, not directly but through his L. H has been dragging his feet, disagreeing with everything, he has been unrealistic with all aspects of the D and financial settlement.
He has made this statement " I disagree on a matter of principle, Mrs ** has had everything her own way up to now "
This is a statement from the man who had 2 affairs, lied & covered up, left his family just after a very expensive family Christmas holiday, can't speak to his sons, wont have any involvement with sons, wont reply to any correspondance, doesn't pay a penny of maintainance and took half the house contents.
I think it must be MLC if he really believes that I have had everything my own way, His L must see through this, my L feels that his is having a hard time, mine said that it is obvious that H isn't being honest with his L, as she is suprised by some of the info passed over.
We are just over 2 years since H moved out which was immediatly after being confronted, the D is in the final stages, we are an estranged family living day to day. We can't plan, just dream for the time being. I have my sons, we are close and care very much about each other.
I pity H, he just doesn't know how to reach out, he is no where near.
I have the patience, I have the time I could wait this through, but my financial state has pressured me to go with the D. Although H initiated our D, I have not resisted it.
For those who are contemplating using the last resort technique I would suggest, think very carefully cause once the D process is entered it is very hard to step back, the system itself pressures both sides, and once court is involved the deadlines force your hand, it becomes a railroad, the MLcer is weak it must be difficult to fight back even if they really wanted too.
I would not suggest any of you try to use the last resort on a MLcer, because they just wouldn't get it.
A close family friend has been involved in an accident, resulting in serious injury. H and this friend have spent a lot of time together, although H decided at a counselling session that this friend was my friend and not his, H wiped more than 20 years of friendship away.
I e-mailed H to inform him of this friends accident and how they were, I also sent a follow up message to let H know that they were out of danger and doing well.
What suprises me is... H never responds to anything information I offer, yet he has contacted S19 to ask how this friend is.
Does this mean he actually cares??? Does he appreciate the info??
