Oh... and more than likely, when you have this convo, it is going to be met with resistance, at first. Stick to your guns, and don't get into a fight about it. (she can't fight without you, so don't let her pull you in. You can divert her by saying... "I have no doubt you feel that way. But, **I** am sticking to what I have said here." And she'll divert again. And you repeat, again, "I have no doubt you feel that way, but...") I bet she will come around in a day or two.
Is that making any sense? Part of resolving the issue is also communicating to her about it... or she is going to start making assumptions (probably erroneous ones at that). So be honest.
Does it make sense? I don't know. You see, I didn't think I came across as needy. In the past, I KNOW I have come across as whining and clingy, but in our last several blowouts, I've stated how I felt. I've come right out and said, "there was this one time you physically SMELLED bad from alcohol and BO and it made me sick" - I mean, there's no beating around that bush. I didn't say, "oh, its ok, don't worry, I didn't mind..." I hated it and let her know.
As a post script, she just called me and asked to go out privately later on to talk. As I've said before, I've been known to "let it go" and let it fester. This time, I've kept distance, not answered every phone call from her and kept communication about the kids only. She doesn't like the distance, can't stand that we're not talking and wants to try to smooth things over.
I agreed, but still kept it quick.
Thoughts on this turn of events?
Me: 52 Her: 48 2D 26 & 16 M: 25 years (together 30) EA/discovered by accident Valentines day 2016 Admitted SOME physical but no IC. We know that's a lie. Status - tryin to R
I think that is good, and I think you should continue to stick to your guns. Because you are addressing this, and you are not backing down from it... the balance of the R is shifting. It will go back to what it was if you back off.
Now... what can happen is... she can get thrust into the One Down position... and she WILL start pursuing you... it will feel akin to a 'honeymoon' stage. If this happens, the R is still going to be out of balance. That's why saying this...
Quote:
"There is a dynamic going on in our M that I think we need to address. I feel unloved. I feel as if you'd rather run a few miles with your friends than spend 10 minutes making love to me. Which probably makes me seem very needy and clingy to you. I would imagine when you feel this from me, you feel a need to put distance between us. The more I pursue, the more distance you need. And the more distance you need, the more I pursue. Can you see how we are doing this to one another?"
... is so important. The goal for the two of you is to get the R back into balance, not for YOU to regain the One Up. So both of you need to be aware of the dynamics in order to fix it.
You can do a LOT on your own, with or without her. But YOU have to be aware of what is occurring...
I think this is a great opportunity for you and I am excited for you. However, I would temper it with one thought and that is, if your wife is like my wife, and by the sounds of it there are some freaky-close similarities, then she will try to go to "quick-fix" mode. This will allow her to assuage her guilt or other realizations that she has probably had lately that you may be right and she may at least partially at fault. When we have had these discussions, they have usually ended with her buying in and making agreements about what the future will look like, a few days or weeks or change and she then gets into a "my work here is done" mode.
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
I think this is a great opportunity for you and I am excited for you. However, I would temper it with one thought and that is, if your wife is like my wife, and by the sounds of it there are some freaky-close similarities, then she will try to go to "quick-fix" mode. This will allow her to assuage her guilt or other realizations that she has probably had lately that you may be right and she may at least partially at fault. When we have had these discussions, they have usually ended with her buying in and making agreements about what the future will look like, a few days or weeks or change and she then gets into a "my work here is done" mode.
This is an interesting point, PF. Especially around the holidays, I can see why she would want to keep the peace. I'll have to keep a careful eye out to see if she follows that same pattern your wife does.
Thank you.
Me: 52 Her: 48 2D 26 & 16 M: 25 years (together 30) EA/discovered by accident Valentines day 2016 Admitted SOME physical but no IC. We know that's a lie. Status - tryin to R
Hmmm... kind of. Especially if the R imbalance has gone on for a long time. In order to bring the R back towards balance... a One Down practices Healthy Distance, and a One Up practices Trial Closeness. The One Down experiences 'separation anxiety,' while the One Up experiences 'emotional engulfment.'
Very interesting. I would say that I've been "practicing" a subset of that theory. From my experience, I would say the person who tends towards being HD wants the other person to be "one up" because that makes the other person seem sexy. If the other person is sexy then the HD person can feel sexual. So, to reverse the trend, the HD person should concentrate on being sexy rather than sexual. So, obviously, the LD person should concentrate on being sexual rather than sexy. However, I would say that the healthiest way to address the issue would be to figure out a way to "team up" on the effort. For instance, saying something like "D*mn, we are going to be the sexiest couple at the party tonight!" Another "trick" is to "pursue" with confidence from the "one up" position. Basically, proceed as though you are thinking "I wonder if you are man enough to handle a woman as nice and as strongly sexual as me?" IOW, proceed as though the fact that somebody can't handle emotional engulfment puts them in a "one down" position rather than the usual "one up" position. This is basically a variation of the way a wimpy child can be taught to handle a bully.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
My best advice to you, Storm, is to create some emotional distance between you and your W. Find things outside the M that interest you and fulfill you in other ways. Work on making yourself happy, finding out what it is you are passionate about (other than your family and sex). STOP pursuing her. You are only turning her off and devaluing yourself in her eyes (and in turn, losing respect for yourself).
Stormchaser, Whoa boy, your whole story is giving me flash backs to my first marriage. Please don't let the fact that it ended in divorce for me discourage you...not my intent. I'm just hearing..HER work, going out with HER friends, doing these things for HER...all waaaaaayyy to familiar with my ex !
Corri's first paragraph of her first post to you pretty much sums it up. You're doing everything for HER and sounds like nothing for yourself. Every weekend, going out with her co-workers???? WTF? Where is YOUR life? What do you do for YOU? I could be wrong, but it sounds to me like she owns you, like she has all the power in the relationship. I know it was suggested, and maybe I missed it if you said you've read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" {sorry, was in a hurry while reading all the posts} READ IT, READ IT, STUDY IT, and READ IT AGAIN !!! {hard to imagine that if I would have read this book during my first marriage...I might still be married to the first born daughter of Satan...as IC shudders in fear}
hard to imagine that if I would have read this book during my first marriage...I might still be married to the first born daughter of Satan...as IC shudders in fear
No, you'd still be divorced from the first born daughter of Satan - because you decided that was best. Or maybe she wasn't the daughter of Satan and would have gotten along just fine with you. Either way, you'd have been better off.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
hard to imagine that if I would have read this book during my first marriage...I might still be married to the first born daughter of Satan...as IC shudders in fear
No, you'd still be divorced from the first born daughter of Satan - because you decided that was best. Or maybe she wasn't the daughter of Satan and would have gotten along just fine with you. Either way, you'd have been better off.
LOL. Sad thing is, I didn't decide that was best, she did...I didn't even see or realize what I was doing.
Presented me with divorce papers on a Christmas Eve....first daughter of Satan ??? You decide
