Maybe not too complicated to understand

[Michael Mc C]

Long post. Got wife talking tonight and I'm not sure she's ready to drop it. Hoo boy, we do this because we love them, right?

My counsellor agreed with my choice to draw a line in the sand by saying 'if you meet him, we cannot share the house, even if it is before the holidays'. He was pleased with the outcome. He also advised that I continue with the authoritative stance I have been taking regarding my boundaries and what will be tolerated within the house. So...

Yesterday I told W I felt the continued playing of her game with OM was inappropriate. W said that she never plays before the kids are in bed so I said it should be okay.

I came home from client's office around 6:15 tonight and she was playing the game with 2 of our 3 kids sitting nearby. I told her discretely that I thought it was too early. I then noticed she was playing with OM as well. Man, what is so hard to get about this?!!

So I pointed out YET again that this was inappropriate and that I tolerate the game play when the kids are in bed. "I rarely play this early, and as far as playing with him I told him kids are here and we can't talk about anything."

So we have the respect discussion again. I don't care if she's talking to him or not. They are playing. They are bonding. They are fostering this relationship (or, more appropriately, this childlike fantasy). She asked if she should log off. I said "Yes, please do, I think it's the right thing to do. And thank you."

She got angry, had some words outside about how she feels like I'm treating her like a child. Tried pulling me into a fight she claimed to not want to have but I stood firm. 10 minutes later she pulled me aside and apologized for getting angry and asked me, respectfully, to outline the guidelines so I don't get pissed again.

I told her first off that I was not pissed, there's a difference between being pissed and being annoyed/disappointment. I told her I would figure out what it was I was looking for as far as gameplay goes and get back to her.

So, things became pleasant until she pulled me aside once again and began talking about getting a job and how we were going to handle her class schedule and everything else.

She feels her schedule will keep her from picking up the kids in the morning (so that's my job) and her school schedule will make it impossible on most days for her to pick them up after school (so that's my job too). She said she would like to come by in the afternoons to spend time with them, if it's okay with me. This was not the original plan so I said I would need to think about what I would be able to handle. End of convo.

Few minutes later she approached me and pushed, just a little bit, regarding this.

I told her that I did have some concerns but regardless, in the end the courts may override whatever we decide (must admit I don't know enough about this) - note my speech is not angry although it is emphasized at times:

S: I thought we were going through mediation. You don't want to?
M: I'm not sure what our options are with that.
S: I figured we could file for irreconcilable differences and then share custody.
M: I don't think our differences ARE irreconcilable.
S: FINE! If you decide to do this any other way you are just going to be hurting the kids. Go ahead, go for adultery or abandonment. Whatever, do what you want. Just remember it's YOUR decision.
M: I am not going to lie to the court about our situation.
S: You won't even do this for the kids' sake?
M: You're asking me to put the kids first. You're asking me to keep them in mind with my decision. You're asking me to do something for them.
S: Yeah <but more like "yeah, duh">
M: You must understand that I don't believe our issues are irreconcilable. What actions have you taken to fix our marriage for the kids? Have you tried counselling, just for the kids' sake?
S: Oh, so stay together for the kids?
M: No, I'm not a fan of that. Try to save the marriage FOR THE KIDS. You try to fix it, make it better. If it doesn't work it doesn't work. You don't give up without trying. That's what you do FOR THE KIDS.
S: scowls, huffs, gets the "my husband is a spiteful prick" look

I walked away.

So I guess it's true. She absolutely expected that she would:
- Act as recklessly as she wants
- Ignore my children's needs
- Choose her happiness over their's with her original plan to meet him (and initial refusal to change that plan)
- Spend money for herself and her trip when I already told her that finances were tight for Christmas

AND have me roll over and let her do all this with no consequences.

I am not spiteful. I am not doing this to hurt her or the kids (good God I wouldn't do that). She has been acting irresponsibly as far as my kids go. Her decisions have centered around her affair. She is the one making the decision to go. I will not stop her from seeing the kids but I will NOT make her promises that I cannot keep. I won't lie during the D so her life is easier and so she can do as she wants, guilt-free.

I have been advised by friends, family and my counsellor that she MUST understand the consequences of her actions. This is not a game. This is not something to be taken lightly. What are we teaching our children if I simply say "okay, whatever you want"?

If anyone disagrees with this, please feel free to tell me.

She is eerily nice right now. She must have spoken to someone while I was out getting D13. Probably her mother. Good, they'll get a great lawyer now to screw me. Hope she's got all the emails where it shows how unreasonable I've been and how I've decided to turn away from my family. I sure have hers... I'm not angry and I'm not bitter here. I am once again dumbfounded by her expectations. I don't like the D talk but she has to start thinking about reality here.

Thanks for reading!!