Maybe not too complicated to understand

[Michael Mc C]

So I guess the questions I have are about how to break it to the kids. Do we tell them tonight (Tuesday) that their mother will be moving out Friday evening? Is that enough time? Is it idiotic to tell them on a school night?

Do I suck it up and have her come back here after her weekend away and then tell them after she returns?

I know there is no easy way to do this but I want the impact on the kids to be minimized as much as possible. If we tell them early on in the weekend, then hopefully their schoolwork won't be affected too much. The only way we can do that now, since W and OM are going to be inflexible here, is to wait until the weekend of the 15th, giving the kids a week's warning, having her move out the weekend before Christmas.

Damn this is so friggin' hard.

She is already feeling the impact of her decisions. It isn't making her question whether she is doing anything wrong but she is starting to see that her actions (or lack of action...) really will have consequences.

I won't want to look at her after this weekend. If she is, as she puts it, "accepted" back here afterwards, it's going to end up being a miserable couple of weeks - exactly what I have been trying to avoid during the holidays.

[Michael Mc C]

I have answered my own questions, I only hope I've come up with the right ones!

I have decided that if she does this, she will leave the house. It kills me that this is what it has come to around the holidays but by allowing her to come back, for whatever reason, is still condoning it. She has me over a barrel with this. It is my job (and hers as well) to limit the impact on the kids.

I hate that this is happening. I will not protect her from her decisions. She understands the impact of what she is doing and she absolutely has to face the consequences. I will not give her a free pass on this. Although my kids are going to be affected there is a certain amount of accountability that SHE needs to start taking.

I have also told her that along with packing this week she should take some time to find a job as I will no longer be able to support her financially. As the mother of my children and as my dearest friend (how weird is that?) I can't leave her in a bind so I will help a little next week - but only to the extent that it does not impact my kids or Christmas.

I went back and forth with this and I'm not sure there is a right decision. There certainly isn't an easy one.

Her brother sent her a message stating that if she brings this guy around to meet him... well, go back a few posts and you might understand how that one ends.

So she is now changing her plans again. She is going to go down there for his sake. I know BIL was simply stating fact but it has her running to this guy now.

I actually recommended that she keep the current plan and simply don't include "playing pool and hanging out with BIL and SIL" as part of the weekend activities.

She is in a dreamworld. She has been bragging so much about this to "friends", sharing pictures, text messages and trying to get their approval. She is going to ram this guy down everyone's throat as if she was some teenager who just wants to introduce her new boyfriend to those who love her.
=========================

Let the fun continue. She just stopped into my office and told me that I'm absolutely correct. She read my mail and agrees that she's being selfish. She spoke to him and he agreed. How nice.

So she's going to wait until after the holidays. Honestly, at this point, I'm feeling like I'd rather have her get it over with. If it wasn't for the kids that is.

I was checking MY credit card online yesterday and saw a $144 charge from last week. I asked her if she had done some Christmas shopping and she said she had. I just now told her we should talk about what she has already bought so we could figure out what more we are going to do for the kids.

Hah!! She bought herself some things. Not Christmas shopping but shopping for her weekend - clothes, etc. Stopped me cold. Couple of deep breaths later I said I don't want to get into it BUT... I did anyway. I simply said "you lied AND you put it on my credit card." She said "yes, I will return them. it's the only card I had on me at the time."

Nothing more to be said after that. She saw the look, she saw the anger. I told her I had to get back to work and so I did. After about 15 seconds she got up and left.

Every day that goes by gets me closer to realizing that this marriage really is over. She is slowly killing any desire I have to try to keep it alive.

[Hurtin4certain]

Dang Mc... my W did the same thing when she left... I found out she had bought lots of Victorias Secret thongs and stuff like that.

Its truly a shame that she is throwing everything away. But I agree that should not be a doormat in this instance.

Put your foot down, show her you demand respect. If it doesnt work out with OM, SHE will need to convince you to take her back, not the other way around.

Best wishes.

[SingleAgain]

Every day that goes by gets me closer to realizing that this marriage really is over. She is slowly killing any desire I have to try to keep it alive.

That may be but you bought yourself three or so weeks for things to sink in for her. You made it clear to her where you stand and with any luck she starts to come unglued. Let her tread in it.

[Michael Mc C]

A couple of weeks ago, when OM was out of the picture, received the below advice:

While living in the same house, you should not 'go dark' right now. My counselor always told me 'Nurture what you have'.

What about now? He is back and they are head-over-heels in love again and they can't wait to get with each other. My wife keeps throwing out the "you're my best friend, I don't want to lose you" comments.

Continue to nurture this? But in her mind all I'm nurturing is our friendship. She ends up getting the best of both worlds. I'm here, validating our "friendship" while she has phone and text conversations with the OM who is validating their soul-mate status.

[Michael Mc C]

Long post. Got wife talking tonight and I'm not sure she's ready to drop it. Hoo boy, we do this because we love them, right?

My counsellor agreed with my choice to draw a line in the sand by saying 'if you meet him, we cannot share the house, even if it is before the holidays'. He was pleased with the outcome. He also advised that I continue with the authoritative stance I have been taking regarding my boundaries and what will be tolerated within the house. So...

Yesterday I told W I felt the continued playing of her game with OM was inappropriate. W said that she never plays before the kids are in bed so I said it should be okay.

I came home from client's office around 6:15 tonight and she was playing the game with 2 of our 3 kids sitting nearby. I told her discretely that I thought it was too early. I then noticed she was playing with OM as well. Man, what is so hard to get about this?!!

So I pointed out YET again that this was inappropriate and that I tolerate the game play when the kids are in bed. "I rarely play this early, and as far as playing with him I told him kids are here and we can't talk about anything."

So we have the respect discussion again. I don't care if she's talking to him or not. They are playing. They are bonding. They are fostering this relationship (or, more appropriately, this childlike fantasy). She asked if she should log off. I said "Yes, please do, I think it's the right thing to do. And thank you."

She got angry, had some words outside about how she feels like I'm treating her like a child. Tried pulling me into a fight she claimed to not want to have but I stood firm. 10 minutes later she pulled me aside and apologized for getting angry and asked me, respectfully, to outline the guidelines so I don't get pissed again.

I told her first off that I was not pissed, there's a difference between being pissed and being annoyed/disappointment. I told her I would figure out what it was I was looking for as far as gameplay goes and get back to her.

So, things became pleasant until she pulled me aside once again and began talking about getting a job and how we were going to handle her class schedule and everything else.

She feels her schedule will keep her from picking up the kids in the morning (so that's my job) and her school schedule will make it impossible on most days for her to pick them up after school (so that's my job too). She said she would like to come by in the afternoons to spend time with them, if it's okay with me. This was not the original plan so I said I would need to think about what I would be able to handle. End of convo.

Few minutes later she approached me and pushed, just a little bit, regarding this.

I told her that I did have some concerns but regardless, in the end the courts may override whatever we decide (must admit I don't know enough about this) - note my speech is not angry although it is emphasized at times:

S: I thought we were going through mediation. You don't want to?
M: I'm not sure what our options are with that.
S: I figured we could file for irreconcilable differences and then share custody.
M: I don't think our differences ARE irreconcilable.
S: FINE! If you decide to do this any other way you are just going to be hurting the kids. Go ahead, go for adultery or abandonment. Whatever, do what you want. Just remember it's YOUR decision.
M: I am not going to lie to the court about our situation.
S: You won't even do this for the kids' sake?
M: You're asking me to put the kids first. You're asking me to keep them in mind with my decision. You're asking me to do something for them.
S: Yeah <but more like "yeah, duh">
M: You must understand that I don't believe our issues are irreconcilable. What actions have you taken to fix our marriage for the kids? Have you tried counselling, just for the kids' sake?
S: Oh, so stay together for the kids?
M: No, I'm not a fan of that. Try to save the marriage FOR THE KIDS. You try to fix it, make it better. If it doesn't work it doesn't work. You don't give up without trying. That's what you do FOR THE KIDS.
S: scowls, huffs, gets the "my husband is a spiteful prick" look

I walked away.

So I guess it's true. She absolutely expected that she would:
- Act as recklessly as she wants
- Ignore my children's needs
- Choose her happiness over their's with her original plan to meet him (and initial refusal to change that plan)
- Spend money for herself and her trip when I already told her that finances were tight for Christmas

AND have me roll over and let her do all this with no consequences.

I am not spiteful. I am not doing this to hurt her or the kids (good God I wouldn't do that). She has been acting irresponsibly as far as my kids go. Her decisions have centered around her affair. She is the one making the decision to go. I will not stop her from seeing the kids but I will NOT make her promises that I cannot keep. I won't lie during the D so her life is easier and so she can do as she wants, guilt-free.

I have been advised by friends, family and my counsellor that she MUST understand the consequences of her actions. This is not a game. This is not something to be taken lightly. What are we teaching our children if I simply say "okay, whatever you want"?

If anyone disagrees with this, please feel free to tell me.

She is eerily nice right now. She must have spoken to someone while I was out getting D13. Probably her mother. Good, they'll get a great lawyer now to screw me. Hope she's got all the emails where it shows how unreasonable I've been and how I've decided to turn away from my family. I sure have hers... I'm not angry and I'm not bitter here. I am once again dumbfounded by her expectations. I don't like the D talk but she has to start thinking about reality here.

Thanks for reading!!

[Hurtin4certain]

Michael.. I think you handled this perfectly. Cool and calm and to the point. Definately needed to set those boundaries.

These WAW's really tick me off sometimes with their selfishness. "You wont lie to the court for the kids?" WTF is that?!?!?!?

You should of asked her "you wont stop your affair for the kids?"

Geez that pisses me off.

[LL44]

You should of asked her "you wont stop your affair for the kids?"

oooooh that would have been GOOD!!

She just doesn't want her dark, dirty secret out in the open. Wow. Uses the kids as an excuse....

You did a great job, couldn't have done anything different. She is so bold, playing the game even after you asked her not to, while the kids were awake. Now, WHO is acting like a child and NEEDS to be treated like one? W!

Selfish and immature, but that's a theme with our spouses. You did very well.

[Michael Mc C]

You should of asked her "you wont stop your affair for the kids?"

I'm going to have to keep that one in mind! I'm sure this discussion is only just beginning.

I'm beginning to see a little more clearly why W has been so adamant about not going to counselling. She doesn't want to face reality, which is something she proves almost every day now. She doesn't want to have any of the guilt associated with this mess. In her mind everything is already perfectly wrapped up and there's no need to go messing with the ribbons.

And the OM is really starting to get on my nerves (go figure). He may be just as confused as she is but I'm starting to think it's a game to him. He knows that she's gone completely nuts for him and he doesn't have to do a damn thing about it. Whether or not he was looking he found a vulnerable woman and he is going to exploit her current foggy condition.

I simply can't imagine that he thinks this is a good decision on either of their parts.

[Michael Mc C]

While here these past few months I've considered myself lucky, in a sense, because my W's mess has been "clean" so far - only an intense EA, nothing physical. I told myself that if it ever became physical, I would be done.

I've put quite a bit of thought into it though and I'm not sure that I would be. The thought of it disgusts me (and I'm no prude) but in reality it's the emotional aspect that really seems to be the killer.

Until and unless it progresses, I guess I'll never know. The looming "meeting" has been a line in the sand for me. As we get closer to that date (whenever it is) I find I am able to better detach.

My thinking up to this point has been that PA = The End (from my perspective) and the short time leading to that 'benchmark' would help complete, or at least build, my detachment. Today I am thinking that maybe the PA is so meaningless that I shouldn't give up. That brings up hope and my detachment begins to fade away.

The OM's lifestyle has been a big concern, not just for my W's well-being but also for any chance of us reconciling. That in itself has lent itself to my detachment. She is knowingly moving forward with this and if there is any doubt in her mind following a PA, I know I will have trouble being "with" her again. I may want to resume/fix the marriage but the concern over any physical contact with her will get in the way.

Well, I guess I don't need to worry about that too much at this point. Still have a long way to go.