no, you can't just ignore the affair, i don't believe that, either. but really, the affair is just a symptom, what needs to be addressed is the deep down problem in the marriage.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Oh I know and can understand the deep down problems would have to be addressed. I guess I was thinking if Sue said he needed time to get over his heart breaking right now and be given time that would also mean not letting him know he had been busted. Because then all of a sudden maybe in a month from now he might turn nice again. Then sweep it under the carpet and never say a word. Then he thinks he got away with it. So what happens when the next comes along or if that ever happens.
I know I mentioned I have a cousin who is studying to be a therapist. She is studying under this one therapist right now. I guess you call it a residency. But there is this one woman who's husband has had several affairs. I mean like 15 of them. The wife is afraid of confronting him. He isn't abusive. But she is scared she will lose him so she doesn't say a word. She now has zero self esteem and is medicated on like 4 different types of medication to get her through the day. That's why she comes in for therapy. She has had the same therapist for many years. I remeber my cousin saying something about the fact the therapist mentioning something along the lines of communication. I would have to ask her. It was just such a sad story.
Maybe it's the natural pessimist in me, but if an A does not die of its own natural death in the heart of the WAS, then they are likely to prolong keeping that A on a pedestal, make it into a martyrdom. I would think it best for the spouse to end the A of their own choice.
Under these circumstances, Sue should play it very, very carefully with her H. If her H tries to pursue the OW, perhaps he will push OW away even more -- eventually that will lead to H getting more and more frustrated (possibly taking it out on poor Sue.) Nevertheless, he will pine for what has been denied him. He will need a lot of time to figure out, if ever, that he wants/needs his M.
(((((Sue)))))
Best to tread lightly -- continue GAL'ing and DB'ing. If he decides to try to make his way back into your good graces, then you can begin to (gently) advise him that you've been on to him the whole time.
Coming on for a minute for one of my favorites....
I understand what tryingto is saying. Until the A that my wife had is addressed it will eat away at me. It will drive me insane. (Not a far drive). BUT...... and this is a big but. There is a right time to do this and I don't think now is the time. I am kind of in the same place as you. I really think it is over between my W and the a$$ hole. I mean OM. But she was way out in lala land. You need to pull them back into the real world but they are trapped in something like quick sand. If they struggle they will only sink deeper. You need to let them calm down. Let them be relaxed around you. Then hopefully you can slowly pull them out. I am no expert and if you have followed my thread I have made plenty of mistakes. But one thing I have noticed. My W is coming around. The more space that I have given BOTH of us the more she comes closer to my space. Something small happened again tonight. Another little tiny baby step. I sneezed and my W said bless you....... Now I always say this to ANYBODY that sneezes even complete strangers in a store. My son also does this. My W has said it to everybody but me for the last year. Tonight was the first. I would give your H space but not ignore him. But try to keep a positive attitude. Do not take anything he says personally. It only affects your feelings. I want to be a success story here. I want everyone to be one. You need to get to a spot that you realize that yes sometimes people do fall out of love. Love is a risky thing. It's a game of chance. I think what helped our spouses fall out of love is the security we gave them. They thought there was no way they could lose us so where is the challenge. Your H lost his GF. He is sad. Now is our time to shine. I think if you can possible keep a PMA and Gal. he will see he can lose you too. It will make him think. But to get back to tryingto's statement some day it will need to be addressed. Just not now.
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
but if an A does not die of its own natural death in the heart of the WAS, then they are likely to prolong keeping that A on a pedestal, make it into a martyrdom.
We all know MY story... nocode pegged it. I think they love each other even more now.
I do think its best if our WAS ends it, but all is not lost Sue, all is not lost by a long shot. Who ended his first A?
I think you're right to give this some time. If your H is angry and coping with the A ending, you don't want to open the door for him to vent his anger on you more than he is already. I just don't see anything constructive and marriage building coming out of that R talk until a little time passes. Unless of course you feel a need to stress your feelings, needs and expectations to him. You have a right to do whatever you need to do for you right now. If this changes how you feel about your R with you H and you need to tell him that, then do. You basically hold the cards. H is a two-time cheater and you deserve better than that. I hope you see this and in time, stand up and tell him that you won't accept any less than a H who is honest, loving, committed and faithful.
