Get Me On A Smoother Ride....Need Advice #7

[SueS]

lwb- Thank you!

Paul - Always nice to see your come on the board. I had to Google what pants means in your area of the world... I should have said trousers, right?

I did try the "water off a duck's back" thing last night. It hurt though. Here was this man that I've known for 17 years saying these things to me. I mean, we've been through rough times and have said some things to each other, but that just sucked. The past week I've just seen this wall come up. A wall that I saw come up 6 years ago and I know at that time it was nearly impossible to break through it, even for minor issues that had to be dealt with. I truly feel that if H could leave right now, he would. He just has no where to go, unless he finds one of his young pals to move in with.

My mom emailed me this morning asking me to let her know if it was still okay for them to come down the weekend before Christmas. I told her that she can make any plans she wants. I don't want her plans changed because of us. I told her that H knows that they were thinking of coming and that it's his loss.

Well, I need to run and get some work done!!

SueS

[Yoyowife]

Sues,
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Your H has been hit with a MLC. Have you read any books on MLC? I have not, so I wouldn't know any to recommend to you, but it might be worth looking into. I know what you mean when you say it really makes you mad when he disrespects your DD! The mother hen comes out in us. She is just a little girl. He needs to be the adult!

[SueS]

OOOOKKKKAAAYYYY----

So, I know why H has been SOOOOO upset. OW broke it off. The anger now makes sense and the days he mentioned in his email match with his going out and his fits of real anger.

Yes, I snooped. Should I have? No! I don't have H's email password, but he didn't log off the computer today, so it still had him logged into it. There it was. A one last good-bye email to OW. Of course the words in it hurt for me to see.

Apparently H did see OW last Thursday night and that's when she broke it off. His message said....You said I didn't seem as devastated as you thought I'd be, but I am, as I thought it was just a break and not the real thing. I didn't get what I wanted, which was you.

I don't know if she wanted to see him one more time or what, but his message said that he couldn't bear to see her or hear her voice again because it would be to painful. He went on to say that he does love her and that he wants her to have the happiness she deserves and that the time spent with her was priceless. He wanted her to know that if she ever wants him or needs him some day, that he is here for her. He signed it xo, your SM (his initals).

WOW guys. What do I do? I know he's in mourning now. It sounds like maybe she tried before to break it off, but now she says it's for good. I don't know if he still even wants this marriage though.

WHAT DO I DO??? My instinct says to just give him that space that he asked for and just back off, GAL and be happy. Make him see that this is still a good place to be.

I'm scared now too. My first reaction was to be happy, but I'm just as scared!!

SueS

[JoieDeVivre]

Wow, Sue ... what a hard thing to have to read. At least now you know what was going on with him. At least it seems to be over.

What should you do now? I would definitely give him his space - GAL, etc. as you said. He has to go through that mourning period (as lousy as that seems). You don't know if he wants your M. But what do you want?

It's natural to be scared. Any of us who have gone through the waiting to see if their spouse still wanted us, have been there, done that. Best thing is to continue to take care of yourself, and your D, first. I would take it day by day with your H.

(((( HUGS ))))

Joie

[LL44]

Holy Toledo!!!! WOW, Sue. That was painful for *me* to read, I can't believe you had to read it. I am sorry for that. So, it seems it was an EA and a PA, I am so sorry.

Yes, H is mourning, but he is also married to you, someone who doesn't deserve the screaming and abuse he has poured onto you and D3. Space is what you both need right now. I like that someone asked "What do you want". This is A #2. I know for a fact I said I would never put up with one A, and look at me now. So, I think we all personally have to decide what we can take.

H loves you. H loves D3. But H is troubled, lost and sinking. We (your DB team) have to figure out how to save him.

[SueS]

Joie & lwb- Thank you. I was at that point of utter shock when I read it and really needed someone to respond to me.

You know, the shock of all of what was said in his email didn't really hurt like you'd think. I'd already seen that he'd been sending her love songs and seen that he'd bought her gifts.....etc. I knew he felt he loved her and wanted her, so the shock and hurt of that part had already happened. Whether it was real love or just part of his MLC, I don't know. I know he's hurting. Like I'm hurting. The shock was that it's over.....or so it seems.

Maybe there was a reason why I said just the quick....tell me what's really going on with you.....question last night. Maybe I'm just still in shock and I'm reaching here, but just maybe there's a reason why I wasn't able to say any more to him.

Back off, patience....etc.

I know it would be better if it were him that had split it, but maybe it will open his eyes too.

God, I'm just so scared now. Scared in a different way.

SueS

[Ohio_Mark]

SueS, I completely understand. My wife dumped her boyfriend two weeks ago (well, she said she did, but she still calls and emails him, so really nothing has changed). Anyway, I understand what you mean. So now their choice is not "me or them." It's "me or nobody," which raises the emotional stakes for us.

I don't have time to add much more. But just remember that I am there with ya!! We can get through this together, OK????

[SueS]

Thanks Mark! The support means the world to me

SueS

[SallyM]

wow, sue. I say GAL, do what you are doing, and give him some space. wow. that had to hurt. trust me, I completely understand.

[tryingtoholdon]

Okay guys tell me if I am way off base here. This is something I want to ask my cousin who is med school to be a therapist also. But to me I would show my husband the evidence that I had found. Because he has to know that he got busted. You just can't put an affair on the back burner and act like it never happened. You can't ever get past if you don't talk about it. If you don't see the hurt the person has suffered because of your affair. Sure it may not work then to I know that. But communication is the key to a happy marriage. I have heard that so many times and during counseling. He would be under the impression that he fell in love, had sex with another woman and got away with it. He then could be onto his 3rd affair thinking he got away with this one.

Sorry Sue I am not trying to make you feel worse. I guess I am just at a loss about not confronting and giving space when he has clearly been busted. Maybe I am going about things wrong in my marriage when I confront things that hurt me all the time. I have just been taught that you can't ever hope for a happy marriage unless you have communication.

Also how dare he take it out on you that he is angry about his OW breaking up with him. : (

I am sorry you had to read that letter. I know it had to hurt. It sure hurt when I read my husband's letters he wrote. It actually made me sick to my stomach.