I Was Almost A WAW....Still (Next Thread)

[Dom R]

Ookay, now the interesting part: preparing to talk to your husband.

I'm going to take a bit of liberty, and adjust the order of your list, for the following reasons:
- what you are looking for are all very "big" things
- A lot of what you are looking for, will take a lot of time to really "show" you that he is doing it.

First, let me say, that I believe that everything you have listed, is a completely "valid" thing to ask him for.
I have juggled things a bit, in order to target what I believe will be good "short term" goals. The others, you might consider "long term goals".

I have tried to include at least one of the 3 "critical things" you mentioned. I then tried to mix it up a bit with more easily done, yet still "meaningful to you" things for him to potentially do.


So: my proposed list, for "things for you to ask him for", is below.
(you might notice, that i explicitly added a "why", for each one. I believe that sharing that with him, is just as important)

The context for bringing it up, is also mentioned afterwards.

• Wear real clothes around the house, of a type of his choosing. Pretty much anything he would feel comfortable in, just as long as it is something appropriate for him to be wearing if friends came over. Because it makes you feel less important to him than others, when he treats you like that.
• Re-organize/rethink his work, so that you can depend on steady income. Because you are uncomfortable worrying about money for your family.
• Doing something interesting together, about once a week. Because.. well... it would cheer you up!

Then, as a reminder of the other things, for a future date (which you might also show him!)

• Clean up the back yard, and keep it clean, so you dont feel embarrassed about your home with the neighbours.
• Keep your house clean of his junk... because right now, it depresses you to even live in it like it is.
• be more responsible with finances.. paying things on time.. especially taxes. because you feel ashamed about your family name being in the paper like that.

I think you should approach him about this, in approximately the following way.






Dear H,
you know that I have been unhappy for quite a while with our marriage. I dont want things to keep going how they have been. I have felt so bad, I have been taking antidepressant medication. however, I realize now, that what I need, is not more medication, but a better marriage.

I've been trying to make things better between us, by doing certain things. I think that you liked them, and I have no objection in continuing to do them, as part of a caring marriage.
I dont feel that I can continue to put in this extra effort, without feeling like you are also putting in effort to our marriage, though.


I've been thinking about it a while, and I would like to tackle some of the things that make me the most unhappy.
I know that you care about me. You show me that you do, when I'm going through tough times.. I would like you to show me by your actions, on a day-to-day basis, too.

I have 3 things, out of a longer list, that I would like you to do for me, on a regular basis. I think that the three I'm about to tell you, are reasonable things for a husband to do for his wife. If you dont feel comfortable doing one or more of them, I would like you to exchange it for one of the other things that I will mention, as issues that also bother me.

In return, I would like to offer you the following 3 things from me, that I will commit to do on a regular basis, if you also do yours.

• Kiss you good morning, and good night every day(this is "one" thing, not two )
• watch one tv program with you a night
• [something else of your)(sandi's) choosing]

If there is something else that you would like me to do regularly for you (ie: cook or something), you are welcome to make the suggestion of a trade. I came up with my list of things to do, after trying to think of things that you would like. I cant promise you i will be able to do anything and everything you might ask, but I will do my best to think about how I might be able to do what you ask, if you ask for something different.





So.. there you have it.


I hope that this approach seems reasonable enough for you, to approach your husband with.

I believe that the two most important things to keep in mind, are

- PMA: "act as if" he will accept, dont try to talk yourself into not doing it becuase "this wont work"
- Do this with an open, collaborative mind. First, make sure that he understands why this is so important, and what are the important things... but then back off a bit, and let him think a bit about ways that he might solve the problem. Try not to insist on solving it "your way"... try to look for ways in which solutions he suggests, might work.

Also, you might keep an open mind for the "mostly works" solution. Try not to focus on "your way, vs his way". Maybe he will suggest something that you think would "mostly work"... but if you/he changed something, then you believe it would work even better.

in other ways... try to avoid choosing between "his solution" vs "your solution"... and look for "OUR solution"

I hope you choose to follow through with this.

based on how positively he has reacted to you... I strongly believe that you have a very good chance to get most, if not all, of what you are looking for here.
Be brave, and talk to him again.

[sandi2]

Wow, DomR! You have really put a lot of time, thought, and work into all of this. I appreciate it very much. I have never had anyone to do this for me before. It makes me feel very lucky to have someone that cares as much as you do.

I will do it. Timing is so important with my H and me so I have to be sure I do it the right time. I am nervous about it b/c he is very sensitive about his work. Whenever I say anything about how little he works, he uses his health or the weather or just lack of work as his excuse. However, I know that he has had calls for him regading jobs that he never followed up on....so that upsets me. Not leaving until noon to go to his job upsets me also.

Anway, like you said, I will need a lot of PMA and not have this WAW feeling that I've had lately. So, I've got to get myself primed.

[cemar2]

sandi2:

If he would even make out a list for me and what he would like for me to do or not to do......I would. I've tried to get him to do this before. As I've already told the story, and he would just say all he wanted was more sex. That would be a complete turn-off and disappointment to me. I was willing to work and to change whatever he wanted, but all he would say was...."just more sex". It made me feel as though he didn't put a second's worth of thought into any list at all. So, I haven't tried it anymore.

He told you his #1 need, it was obvious. So why did you dismiss this?

[sandi2]

Cemar, who said I did?

[Dom R]

I am nervous about it b/c he is very sensitive about his work.

that's why I worded things, the way I did.

Specifically, to emphasise your wish for "stable income, so that you dont have a worry about money hanging over your head".

The emphasis is not on, 'You are a slacker, you dont do .....'
The emphasis is on Sandi's feelings, and needs, and concerns for the family, rather than going through a list of negatives about H.


PS: my guess is that you're not going to be able to "make the WAW feeling go away" completely yet. Because it is dependant on how your H is treating you.
AFTER he treats you better, then it will be easier to make it go away.

Try not to focus on "do I feel like walking away or not". Instead, focus on, "I know my H cares about me... he has shown me that through some of his actions over the past month. I believe that he will be willing to do at least some, if not all, of these things I ask of him."

That, i think, should be a believable positive attitude for you to focus on.

Then ask him.

[cemar2]

Sandi2:

Maybe I am not reading this right, but what you posted is that his response is that he wanted more sex, and then you said this turned you off and disappointed you. Were you looking for more, hoping that there were non-sexual things he would want instead?

[ann25]

Hi sandi,

just wanted to see how you were doing and it looks like you are doing well. What fantastic support DomR is for you. I'm sure that this approach will be great for your H and your M.

take care ann

[OG_Lou]

Sandi, I see some things somewhat in common in your M and mine.

According to most folks, I have too much stuff too. I am not a neat/tidy guy. BB has some medical issues and is tired a lot.

I pay bills on time. I don't hang around the house in my underware but BB is in her PJ's by 7PM and till 10 AM the next day.

I guess I better read your thread closely.

Lou

[sandi2]

Cemar,

No, it's just a long story. It happen many years ago. I had asked him for us to work on a list of things we would like to see in our M for about two weeks and then come together on a special time/day and spend it together talking about what was on our lists. So, he said ok. Well, I worked realy hard on mine with great thought put into it. So, we went out of town and found a park and sat down to talk. I was so excited to see what he had on his list. Then he tells me he doesn't have a list. I ask him why not and he says that it is simple.....he just wants more sex. He didn't even try. I was so disappointed to think that he let me go those two weeks, knowing that I was working hard on my list and knowing that I thought he was working on one also, just to discover that it came back to the same thing that it always did with him.....sex! That is all he had to say and as far as I was concerned I wondered why he wasted the trip over there just to tell me that one word he could have said in the kitchen at the house. I should have know. He never knew how to work on any kind of R. His answer was always sex, sex, and more sex. Well, I gave it to him, but it was never enough. And when I was at my peak......he stopped.

It wasn't that he wanted sex that turned me off, it was the way he treated me by making me think he was working on something with me and then found out he thought it was all silly and that everything would be fine if we just had more sex. Sex is not the answer to everything in M. Nothing about our R was making me happy, nor were my emotional needs being met by a long shot....but he sure as heck was getting sex!

So, if I sound a little resentful when you are always asking what's in it for him, well, that's what I wondered for all those decades when he was reaching a climax everytime we had sex and I wasn't. What was in it for me? When I was raising the kids, doing the housework and cooking for him, plus holding down a full time job b/c he couldn't make enough money and yet he couldn't help me with anything at home.....I wondered what was in it for me. When we couldn't have friends and he never wanted to go anywhere but to him Mama's and I was so lonely I would cry,..... I wondered what was in it for me. All those years he put me last on his list.....I had to ask myself what was in it for me.

I have been a good wife to him and up until last year never thought about another person. So, I messed up. Out of sheer lonliness I met someone and had an EA. The man had not slept in the same bed with me in over 20 years! When I use to practically beg him to come to bed with me and he had rather sit up and watch TV.....I wondered what was in it for me.

If I'm not as sorrowful as I should be and if I still have resenfulness in my heart.....and I do, it is b/c I have not told you enough to even touch the surface so that you would understand. But, having the mindset you apparently do, you probably would not "get it", Cemar, and still wonder what was in it for the husband. For women, marriage and a relationship and a life together is more than just screwing all the time! Maybe that is all some men want, but life means more than that to some of us.

[Dom R]

Sandi,

dragging up the past like that, has probably put you in a bad mood.

I hope you will try to let that stuff go for a while.. just not reply to it... and focus on the potential for a more positive future.

I think that you have the potential for a very good one.