Taking it day by day...

[NoCodeBlues]

You'd be surprised. Actually, the average healthy weight for a 6' male at your age is 188 lbs. And even if you lift weights, unless you're an over-the-top body builder, 15 to 20 lbs. extra for muscle mass is a bit more than most men.

Still, it really depends on how fast you lost the weight -- losing that amount of weight too quickly would be more problematic.

[SueS]

H4C-

Do you think when you talk to an attorney or do file for legal separation that you can ask about temporary custody?

Now, I know you said that you feel that any type of filing will force your W out of your life forever and I hate to see that happen when you still want her, but this is your D's well being. It's unacceptable for your W to be using that language in front of your D and calling her a liar. I'm sure she can be a great mom, but I heard my MIL use this language and say these types of things to her grown sons and have seen the anger in her sons and the damage that it's done to them. My H had a very strong love-hate relationship with his mom because of the way she was with him. She'd praise/defend him to others, but turn around 2 seconds later and tell him what a loser he was. Both her sons have this anger issue. I'd just hate to see your D hurt any more by this.

2 1/2 years ago, my H got very down because he'd been denied a job that he really wanted. He was in a new state and didn't know anyone. He came home very drunk one day and told me that he was leaving (moving back to IL) and taking our D with him. He stuck around the area for a few days until he finally decided to go to his dad's. He did come back 2 weeks later. However, my defense mechanism kicked in right away. I stayed at a friend's house until he left. I moved D to another daycare so he couldn't take her when I was at work. He and I met briefly just before he left to go to his dad's. I didn't bring D with me. He was livid, but I didn't care. No one was taking her from me or putting her in danger. I know now that H would most likely not do that to me again, but I showed him that when it came to her.......No Messing Around.

Sorry to be so long or put those negative thoughts in your mind, but there's just some thoughts.

SueS

[Ohio_Mark]

Any advice?

Begin tape recording telephone conversations. Figure out a way to do it.

Forget the legality of it (have you ever heard of anybody going to prison for recording a telephone call? "Yeah, here I am in Leavenworth, doin' 5-to10 for recording a telephone call.... life draws out like a blade here in the stir..."). Just do it so you have it.

[Hurtin4certain]

Sue.. thats makes a lot of sense. I appreciate it.

I know I need to protect my D, she is looking for someone to step up, its going to be me.

But on the other hand, I just feel my W will cut all ties with me and this will push her into the arms of OM.

Overwhelmed with fear... its kind of like putting your hand on a hot stove, goes against your instinct.

[LL44]

Record calls. That is abuse, what she was doing to D8 AND you. Some states have changed the law, where you don't need one person's consent to record calls..check on it.

She is definately on a bad down swing and D8 is suffering. You did everything right, my friend. I am so sorry for the hurt you and your precious D are feeling. I wish you could just keep her with you at all times.....

Keep your head up. Right now, you have got to shift your focus from W and what she might/might not do about your marriage to your daughter's happiness and safety.

[Hurtin4certain]

Yeah.. I know I need to protect D and I have been keeping a journal recording everything that happens.

It just hurts me so bad because here I am trying to save my marriage but Im filing for divorce. How can I save my marriage if I divorce my wife?

[Michael Mc C]

Man, now that's a good question! I am so tempted to file once mine leaves. I know DB'ing says that it's a wake-up call, or could be, and that this finally shows them the gravity of the situation. Of course you have to be ready for the D because there's a good chance they'll sign and move on.

I don't know if there are any other theories on how it would help. My thought is that if I file once she leaves me and the kids, it shows her that I do not intend to let my family wait for her to take action. It would be a last resort technique to some degree but I would not be doing it as a bluff nor with any expectation that it would stop her foolishness.

[Hurtin4certain]

It sucks because my W was daring me to do it when we were arguing a few days before. I think she feels too guilty to do it herself so if I do it, it validates her R with OM and her choice to pick him over me.

It prevents her from feeling the guilt and makes her the victim so to speak. That way, I become the villian and she feels like I have abandoned our M, so there is OM waiting to take care of her.

Sad.

[Hurtin4certain]

Just spoke to D and she is doing better today, THANK GOD.

I make sure that I dont ask questions about W and OM, I keep the talk with D strictly about how her day was and what she learned in school.

Hard day today, constant thoughts of W and OM. THis all blindsided me and she never once prepared me for OM moving in with her.

I know I need to stop obsessing but its so hard. I spend so much time on the computer reading about affairs, reconciliation and divorce. Its like Im constantly looking for something to provide me with hope that one day we will be a family again.

[Hurtin4certain]

These dreams Im having really suck. I dream about W and OM being intimate and dancing and smiling.

It seems like I struggle with letting go. I see so many others that are detached and doing fun new things, but Im still really struggling.

Is it just because Im still new at this?