I Was Almost A WAW....Still (Next Thread)

[Dom R]

Ookay, now the interesting part: preparing to talk to your husband.

I'm going to take a bit of liberty, and adjust the order of your list, for the following reasons:
- what you are looking for are all very "big" things
- A lot of what you are looking for, will take a lot of time to really "show" you that he is doing it.

First, let me say, that I believe that everything you have listed, is a completely "valid" thing to ask him for.
I have juggled things a bit, in order to target what I believe will be good "short term" goals. The others, you might consider "long term goals".

I have tried to include at least one of the 3 "critical things" you mentioned. I then tried to mix it up a bit with more easily done, yet still "meaningful to you" things for him to potentially do.


So: my proposed list, for "things for you to ask him for", is below.
(you might notice, that i explicitly added a "why", for each one. I believe that sharing that with him, is just as important)

The context for bringing it up, is also mentioned afterwards.

• Wear real clothes around the house, of a type of his choosing. Pretty much anything he would feel comfortable in, just as long as it is something appropriate for him to be wearing if friends came over. Because it makes you feel less important to him than others, when he treats you like that.
• Re-organize/rethink his work, so that you can depend on steady income. Because you are uncomfortable worrying about money for your family.
• Doing something interesting together, about once a week. Because.. well... it would cheer you up!

Then, as a reminder of the other things, for a future date (which you might also show him!)

• Clean up the back yard, and keep it clean, so you dont feel embarrassed about your home with the neighbours.
• Keep your house clean of his junk... because right now, it depresses you to even live in it like it is.
• be more responsible with finances.. paying things on time.. especially taxes. because you feel ashamed about your family name being in the paper like that.

I think you should approach him about this, in approximately the following way.






Dear H,
you know that I have been unhappy for quite a while with our marriage. I dont want things to keep going how they have been. I have felt so bad, I have been taking antidepressant medication. however, I realize now, that what I need, is not more medication, but a better marriage.

I've been trying to make things better between us, by doing certain things. I think that you liked them, and I have no objection in continuing to do them, as part of a caring marriage.
I dont feel that I can continue to put in this extra effort, without feeling like you are also putting in effort to our marriage, though.


I've been thinking about it a while, and I would like to tackle some of the things that make me the most unhappy.
I know that you care about me. You show me that you do, when I'm going through tough times.. I would like you to show me by your actions, on a day-to-day basis, too.

I have 3 things, out of a longer list, that I would like you to do for me, on a regular basis. I think that the three I'm about to tell you, are reasonable things for a husband to do for his wife. If you dont feel comfortable doing one or more of them, I would like you to exchange it for one of the other things that I will mention, as issues that also bother me.

In return, I would like to offer you the following 3 things from me, that I will commit to do on a regular basis, if you also do yours.

• Kiss you good morning, and good night every day(this is "one" thing, not two )
• watch one tv program with you a night
• [something else of your)(sandi's) choosing]

If there is something else that you would like me to do regularly for you (ie: cook or something), you are welcome to make the suggestion of a trade. I came up with my list of things to do, after trying to think of things that you would like. I cant promise you i will be able to do anything and everything you might ask, but I will do my best to think about how I might be able to do what you ask, if you ask for something different.





So.. there you have it.


I hope that this approach seems reasonable enough for you, to approach your husband with.

I believe that the two most important things to keep in mind, are

- PMA: "act as if" he will accept, dont try to talk yourself into not doing it becuase "this wont work"
- Do this with an open, collaborative mind. First, make sure that he understands why this is so important, and what are the important things... but then back off a bit, and let him think a bit about ways that he might solve the problem. Try not to insist on solving it "your way"... try to look for ways in which solutions he suggests, might work.

Also, you might keep an open mind for the "mostly works" solution. Try not to focus on "your way, vs his way". Maybe he will suggest something that you think would "mostly work"... but if you/he changed something, then you believe it would work even better.

in other ways... try to avoid choosing between "his solution" vs "your solution"... and look for "OUR solution"

I hope you choose to follow through with this.

based on how positively he has reacted to you... I strongly believe that you have a very good chance to get most, if not all, of what you are looking for here.
Be brave, and talk to him again.