Good comments, Fran. And I do agree that the extreme "save the marriage at all costs" mentality here has prolonged the agony for some.
Substance abuse DOES skew everything, and that isn't always emphasized as it should be.
You said in your post that you know you need to get into "alanon or some counseling." Those are not the same thing as each other and cannot be substituted for each other. Alanon is free, so I suggest going there first. ONE HOUR A WEEK, FRAN! Surely you can find that.
You will NOT get counseling at alanon. No one will talk to you about your problem or what to do or how you should be handling it. In fact no one will address you directly at all during the meeting. You may have people come up to you afterward and introduce themselves. You may choose to do what I did and come late and leave early so you didn't have to talk to anyone.
GO! What in the holy hell are you waiting for?!? Do this for YOU. It's free. There are meetings all over the place pretty much around the clock. It's ANONYMOUS. You never have to speak at all if you don't want to. NO, it's not a miracle-working organization. But it's SOMETHING... something more than you are doing for yourself right now. It's a step. A statement to yourself that you care about yourself. At alanon, you don't worry about him. You think about YOU and what will make your life better. If he announced that he was ready to get into therapy AND AA, and he wanted you to drive him there, would you do it? I suspect you would. So take at least that much effort for you.
Lil looks over her shoulder at stacks and stacks of broken records
Or I can bring out the big guns...
(((((Fran)))))
Changing the subject: Do you eat Marmite? How do you eat it? On toast?
Also: Do you ever watch "Gordon Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares"? I LOVE that program. Talk about an alpha male! His use of the f-word is a bit over the top, but I guess it's part of his persona.
