UGH....thank you for all of your advice and prayers. I feel like I have taken a huge step backward in my situation today and I feel like throwing in the towel:
On Monday night d12 had me in tears. She was so rotten and out of control. I really lost it. S15 was there for me and I told H about this.
Today she called me after school and H was there. I asked if she had her stuff to study for a quiz and she said no. She didn't bring it home. I asked her to get the vocab words from a friend and she started mouthing off.
Anyway, I get H on the line and ask him to make sure that d12 gets these words and then I tell him about the hard time she has been giving me. He goes to talk to her and they have a blow up.
Finally, he calls back and d12 is crying and I am on speaker phone and he asks her why she is being so bad for me. She finally screams at him that it is because he is not here and we are getting D. SHe wants her real family back. Several times she tells him this.
So then H calls me back. I finally said that I was happy d12 told her her true feelings. Our kids, who should be enjoying there lives right now are so unsettled with all of this.
He then asks how we can fix this and I told him only he can do this. He made this decision for us and our family and he needs to figure it out.
He then throws spew at me that he left for reasons and he doesn't see any change in me ..blah blah blah. He asked if I thought he was happy and I said part of me thinks you are. I just don't understand how you can get up and not want to be with your family (Bad DB I know).
We went back and forth. I listened as he told me how I thought he should get a real job (never said that), how it was always my way or the highway and still is, how I think he has abandoned his family, etc, etc, etc.
He asked if we could work together to help the children. He said maybe that would be a way to take a step towards fixing things. I told him that s15 is in counseling at school and if d12 needs counseling I am for it. I will not go to counseling with him/them and try to tell these children that I am happy with this situation. I will not lie to them.
I told him I will be there for him and the children ....but I won't go into counseling with him while he is with another woman. (bad,bad dbing). H said how could you still be here for me. And I said because ILY. HE replies how could you love me when you think I have abandoned my family and for what I have done to my kids......ugh.
Of course more spew came my way. H said he was in counseling trying to deal with everything. Whatever. I don't think all the counseling in the world can help this man. I give up. I finally told him I had to go.
D12 called me to apologize and tell me she needed to pick up a new notebook and h gave her money for it.
H then called to tell me about the notebook and said "So what is me coming home and us living in a dysfunctional family going to do to the children." I said to him that I will never tell him to come home. I will never ever tell him what to do. I just hope he figures it out. I told him I had to go and I would talk to him later and he said "no you won't. You won't call me. You never call me. I always call you."
He asked if I had talked to d12. He asked what she said. I told him she apologized, told me about the notebook and told me how sad she was. I am not going to lie to him. I am not going to.
So my H,.....filled with blame...guilt...anger....all of the above. When he hears from his precious d12 how she is feeling about this it really set him off but good. I know I shouldn't have said half of the things I said to him, but whatever. Too late now. I just don't get it. I guess I am a bad dber.
I thought my H was happy spending time with us and was making contact with me because he missed us, but I guess not. He is still with MOW and has no plans on returning anytime soon.
So, right now I am feeling a little devistated. I don't know what to think. I just don't know what to feel. I need to stop focusing on him...that is so true. I totally need to detach.
Back to the drawing board....or should I say into the tunnel.
