He has his truck so junked and trashed until I just want to die when people see it.
This caught my attention. Why does it matter so much to you, what people think about a vehicle that is not yours and that you have no responsibility for upkeeping? Why are you taking on shame for him?
When you talk about being embarrassed about your house, I can understand that, because it's shared territory, so you naturally feel a responsibility for how it looks.
But how much does that extend out to areas that only concern your husband? I know for myself, I used to expend *waaaayyyyyyyyy* too much emotional and mental energy on how my husband came across to others. It's true that I did care very much about it for *his* sake, but there was a big component of not wanting him to reflect badly on *me*, either, since we were "a couple". In truth, it's not my responsibility to try to micromanage how he presents himself to others. They'll admire him or they won't. If they don't, and by extension think less of me, that's *their* problem.
I only bring this up because I imagine it could be a big source of frustration/resentment in your marriage, one of many things you're having trouble getting past. You may benefit from thinking about this and emotionally detaching your self-identity and reputation from his as much as possible.
In your reading, have you read "Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch?
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
