Don't know what I'm doing anymore - Help.

[Pudmuddle]

Wow, I actually agree with what Heim said today.

Ann, these things that heim says are exactly the types of things my H told me YEARS after I had my EA, and then his PA. He needs all the reassurance right now that he has not lost his mate. Of course you have to rebuild his trust and most words will not mean much now. You must show him by being the best you there is...even so, he may continue to back off.

[Heimlich]

You should almost always agree with me (there's that 1% of the time I'm off )

The trust is a two-way street though. Ann's H has to realize that he has to rebuild trust with Ann too.

BD

[ann25]

Thanks pud and heim. appreciate the advice.

I only asked because I am contastantly answering this with "what happened was a mistake and i'm sorry. I want to be here with you. i want to be married to you and I want to be in love with you again. I know we can be happy together it will just take time. I'm want to give it as long as it takes. If we both try, we can get back what we had" I sometimes just feel like a broken record. I don't expect him to trust me now, but I just wanted opinions, who knows, maybe thats not what he needs to hear.

he has no idea that he's not my type physically. That and not wanting to be intimate with him and the EA and our fighting would probably drive him over the edge.

[Pudmuddle]

You know I like to stir the pot!

Yes, I agree to that too, but I know it took my H a long time to realize his side of this too.

[dh4320]

Hi Anne,

I agree with Heim, its hard for me to give advice because it looks to me like your H is all over the place emotionally just take your time....

[Pudmuddle]

My only other thought on this Ann, is that now he is aware of you saying these things, so maybe stop talking about it with him? You said yourself that you sound like a broken record. Continuing to say that will go in his one ear and out the other at some point, not meaning much. Maybe back off a little since he is highly emotional right now, and wait for him to begin a R talk. Listen and validate when he does, the usual.

[ann25]

yep, he is definately all over the place emotionally. i need to have patience...

ok.. so from now on... i'll just validate what he is saying he feels. if he says something that is obviously asking for reassurance (you haven't been talking to anyone else, have you?) then I'll go there.

thanks!!

[Heimlich]

Yep, reassurance is a good thing, even if you sound like a broken record to yourself.

Also, try to figure out ways to get him to help you around the house. Praise/encourage him when he does something nice.

Maybe even when he doesn't touch you, thank him for giving you space. Anything to encourage positive behavior from him.

To be crass, if you can give him some loving, give it another shot. If not, if your skin crawls, probably not a good idea.

BD

[ann25]

I don't mind sounding like a broken record. At least I'm sending the same message over and over... I'm here and I want our M to work, it's just going to take time to make it all right.

Something he mentioned one time in MC is that he doesn't help me because he doesn't want to do it wrong. (don't know how I've ever given him a reason to think anything he's helped with is wrong, but I probably did, I just try to be super grateful now) So, like for the laundry, i made a cheat sheet showing him where i set the knobs and how much soap to put in. We'll see if that helps... if anyone has any ideas on how to get a H to do a little more without me begging, i'd love ot hear it!!

How can i thank him for giving me space without making him feel bad? monday night we just sat together and watched tv for an hour or so and he didn't try grabbing at me or anything so i said " i really appreciate that you are being patient with me on the physical stuff, it means alot that you understand" he said, "well i really don't have a choice do i?" I'm thinking i said it wrong.

I've been trying to do more little things physically to show affection, but it's like he knows that I don't really want to be doing it, so he doesn't even want it. The way he explained it to me is "it's okay that you are trying, but because i know that you are only doing it for me and not because you really want to, it makes it hard for me to care. I want you to want me physically, like i do with you, not just go through the motions." I just tell him that i'm working on getting to that point and it will just take time.

i'm frustrated with myself because i don't know what it is specifically that turned me sooo off. I wish i could just flip a switch. I've always been HD and i miss it, but i just don't enjoy it with him right now (even since before the pregnancy)...

patience ann patience hehe...

[mrarow]

Wow is he Lucky! I get no effort from my W at affection at this time so he is doing well with your efforts and should be patient with you! I so wish all the cooking, dishes ,Laundrey Helping with kids Making bed cleaning up after myself and Kids had an affect on my wife. I never did any any of these things before the bomb or not very often at least. Now I try and help in all areas and feel good about it. I wish with all my heart I would get more effort for my wife as she seems to have quit doing all this stuff when she went into this depressed and confused state she is in now.