WAW says "I'm filing for D", but no papers

[Not Much Left]

Ahhhh!
The memories of that thread, it seemed so long ago! That thing locked up in like 2 days!

[SirPrizeMe]

No problems - I need a jacket too, was thinking of a black one.

Sometimes I take the girls shopping or just doing something girlish with them. Sometimes I take the boys backpacking or camping, the girls aren't really into that. I look for ways to spend 1:1 time, but of course there's not so much time to go around.

PM, you wrote:

When one keeps justifying and defending their actions, such as the case of your W, Sir, then they are not ready to change.

Yes, I think you're right. Then again, sometimes I think we all have a little of that tendency, don't we? My C has told me, "you have a bit of the martyr syndrome." It's true, I seek pity, shout "I've been wronged!", rather than standing up, brushing myself off and doing what works. The martyr thing is not attractive. I know I do it and I'm working to stop it. Maybe my W could have found it easier to move toward me if I weren't so interested in being a martyr?

I have a Q:
W says that I've been abusive to her for 20 years. I know, "believe none of what you hear and half of what you see." But I do recognize some truth to her statement - In this M I have not been nurturing in the way she needed. In the past, I sometimes grudgingly gave approval to her ideas instead of supporting them wholeheartedly, some big things and some small. So there is some truth to it, though I also think her perception is way out of proportion. She said she gave up art "for me" - but that is what attracted me to her in the first place. I didn't want her to give up art! When she began drawing again, I fixed up a room as a studio for her! I loved that she was artistic and wanted to support her in that. Some good news, she is drawing again, which is great. Since the bomb, she has not drawn *anything*.

Anyway I recognize though, that in some ways I wasn't as nurturing as I could have been. I don't want to be that way; how do I show that I am changing? Friendly conversation is one way. I can do that, every time we meet. Do I write a letter? seems wayyyyy too pushy.

Do I just forget about this issue as a priority right now? Maybe I should put it in the "believe 0%" box and act "as if"?

One way I just thought of, is to support her and take an interest in her restarted art efforts.

(Martyr story: She told me that she was hanging up her older drawings, "to get inspired". This was after she had told me she was filing for D, after we had informed kids, but before papers arrived. Weak Sir responded: "oh, NOW you start drawing. NOW you are getting inspired. Too bad you couldn't do it before!" (before decision to file D, before I moved out, etc) Oh gosh, I wish instead I had taken the opportunity to just say "That's great! It's good to see you doing that again, I know you love drawing!" This was ~3 weeks ago .)


ps: While I am trying to lovingly distance, I am also continuing on the confront reality thing, which is hard for me. Apartment hunting, picking out appliances for my new place, I will be doing a household budget and will respond through the attorney to her about temporary orders. I hate that part. But I see it's necessary, regardless what happens.

Stay with me, guys.

[Not Much Left]

Sir
Yep, I get ya on seeing the W "all of sudden" having renewed interest in stuff...I guess it is a feeling of freedom from feeling repressed? by you, us?

I would no write a letter unless you ahve trouble communicating like my W and I do. Maybe an email? That way she can think about a response if needed and you can really think about and rethink what to say. Have you apologized for the "controlling behavior" to her yet? I think you have just cant remember.

All I did to get my W to back off on following through with the hearing was point out that I have put together the expense / asset list, it will be a huge waste of money to have each attorney go through it and figure out what is what if we could just go through it first. She could always just stop our conversation and walk out of the room if she felt it werent going well. But, at the end of the day, the pie does not get any bigger by spending attorney fees on things we could discuss, it is the holidays (hi stress) and besides, was she in a hurry fo any particular reason?

All of which lead to her calling her attorney to cancel the hearing.

C

[Not Much Left]

Oops, sorry for the typos.

[SirPrizeMe]

YES, on the all-of-a-sudden getting renewed interest in activities....

In my case, W was drawing before the bomb, but some of it was "for" OM. In one case she spent 8+ hours on a self-portrait and signed it to OM, and then hung it in the studio I had set up for her.

It's as if the shrapnel from the bomb contaminated the act of drawing. What a nightmare. The one thing she really likes to do, yet after the bomb she totally stopped.

Why? Why avoid what fulfills you? why avoid what you love? guilt? shame? obstinance? Maybe she really does despise me, though she has never said that), and she was refusing to draw while I was around because she knew it would make her happy. (Doing things you love - that's the path out of depression.) Whoa! Ok, what I just wrote sounds like a paranoid hallucination. Maybe (more likely?) the act of drawing made her think of OM, and she couldn't bear it.

Now she is feeling free to draw again, to pursue her passion. Only now, after papers are filed. I wish she had felt free and inspired to do it, long ago. It's sad. I didn't know how to encourage it.

There are other similar things, too. We had bought a bunch of picture frames to hang up family photos in the new house. But the photo frames sat empty for a year. The week after I left, the frames were up with the kids' photos in them. It really *is* too bad that she couldn't do this while I was in the house. I don't know why.

Of course I could have hung up the photos myself, but the point was not to have the photos on the wall. The point was to go through the love-building effort of selecting family photos and hanging them. While hanging up family photos, you cannot help but look at them, think lovingly back to when they were taken, remember fondly. And that is what she could not do, while I was in the house.

So yes, maybe she's feeling freedom. With the divorce launched, maybe that set her free. She did comment on that idea of feeling free when we separated. On the advice of a book, we wrote up an agreement on the separation, and one of the parts was whether we would see other people during the separation. She suggested we agree that "it's ok to date other people during the separation." I told her, "Not ok with me. I don't want to reconcile with you, if you want to date other people." She said "I have no intention of dating, but I need to feel free to do so." or something like that. I stood my ground. In the end she grudgingly agreed that neither of us would date during the separation. She was not happy about it though.

This is kind of spooking me, giving me a negative vibe, which I don't want. Also I heard from my sister that she reached out to W again on her own, to encourage her to go to retrouvaille with me. Yikes! I called sis in a panic asking her please please please, do not offer any more unsolicited advice or opinions to W.

So I am a little off my game here. I need to get my head straight, in prep for another encounter with W this evening.

Maybe the filing of the divorce, and the feeling of freedom is the thing that will shake her loose, and see that things with us are not all black. Or, maybe she is galloping joyfully away from me, never to return. We shall see....

I have a bad headache now...

[SirPrizeMe]

CVA, Yes, I apologized for the controlling behavior, but either I haven't done it very well, or she is not accepting my apology.

The "we can date other people while we are separated" discussion is a good case in point. She did not use the word "control" around that, but I am imagining that it felt that way to her.

before stating my position on the dating thing, I thought about it long and hard. In the end I decided, no, I don't want to agree in writing that it is ok for my wife to date other men. Period. Of course, she can do it if she wants - in fact I do not control her - but she won't get my approval if she dates other guys. That's what's healthy for me.

That interchange led to more bad feelings. I just shake my head because ... I'm sorry she feels that way. I'm not going to agree that she can go have sex with other guys. The way I see it, that is not me controlling her. It's me stating what works for me, and inviting her to accept it.

For her that gets transformed into "control". What can I do?

But like I said, on the softer more subtle forms of control - I am guilty as charged.

[Not Much Left]

Wow, its like we are the same person...weird.

[Not Much Left]

Go read my post, I have a headache now too.

[ann25]

Hi sir.

Telling her you won't agree that you should date other people makes perfect sense to me. Why on earth would you agree to it?

Thing is, if she has said you are controlling, she probably considered that just one more controlling thing. No compromise, no discussion, your way or the highway... But, you didn't make her feel bad about her request (at least it doesn't sound like it) you simply stated what you would accept and what you wouldn't. For me, I'm able to at least understand that straight forward control. It's the subtle, "yeah" that comes across as "i don't approve and you are wrong and blah blah" or just silence...

When my H told me he wanted a Divorce, I was devistated, but when i picked myself up i realized that i had been so unhappy before that i had unintentionally stopped doing the things i loved. I realized that i needed to focus on me and what I loved because I needed something to take my mind off the loss. I love playing/watching sports. I hadn't done this in months, so I joined a softball team again, renewed my gym membership, started watching games. Maybe thats part of why he said he wanted to work on things again, he saw me happy, I don't know, but I know that I hadn't realized how much i missed those things. Maybe she didn't either until she realized that she needed that for her.

[ann25]

tylenol, motrin, advil... will you two take something already... hehe