3) The dating..In our conversation last night, I asked her because of my thoughts of a secret A going on. W said she planned on dating others in the future. W said to ME that I should date others. I just posted my response to her that I didn't plan on it but who knows what I will think a few months from now. I was honest about it.
That's why you shouldn't have brought it up. In her mind, by telling you that you should date, she assumes that means that you give her permission to date. It's twisted logic, but that way, she doesn't need to feel guilty. Never mind that you said no such thing. But in a way, by even bringing up the subject, you did. If she is going to to, she's going to, and that's the end of the story. And all indications are she is going to. So, how are you going to react when you find out? (And since she thinks it is ok, you will find out, I bet.)
I know that she said I should date so she doesn't feel guilty.
I don't know how I am going to react when I find out. I think she is already and hiding it. I'm doing and will do my best to cope with it and understand it I guess.
_________________________ Me: 38 W: 36 R 16 M 12 2 kids: S6, D4 Bomb: 10/22/07 Sep: 12/11/07 My First Thread, My Story
How you react could be pretty important, so it will be good to be prepared. Remember, the other person in a case like yours is a symptom, and not the problem.
I also got the 'you should date' line...it blew me away. She said I needed to date to make sure that I wanted her....I thought it was one of the most crazy ideas I had ever heard. I replied that if I had doubts about her, dont you think I would have pursued this earlier?
My W went on a 'date'....we are still living together in the same home and I went ballistic on her. She said she did it to make me angry. We'll she did. Maybe it was a ploy to see how I would react or to make me feel jealous. I dont know whats up their sleeves.
I know that she said I should date so she doesn't feel guilty.
That is pretty common, it seems. I got the same message.
Jabberwocky,
About the advice here, some of it will be good some of it will be bad, some of it will conflict, some of it won't. Some will be harsh, some will be sugar coated.
Its up to you to determine what might work best for your situation. Yet another thing to analyse and stress over, yeah?
However, when almost every piece of advice giving by many differnet people says the same thing...thats pretty solid advice.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Ok, so I have one question. If I should stay in house, how do I approach W and attempt to stay at this point? How in the heck am I going to bring up THAT subject without it blowing up in my face. I tried it a week or two ago and it literally 'BLEW UP'.
Tell her the truth. Why would you want to stay?
If you do go then also make it clear that you will move back in on a definite date. Any way you can stay at your house on the weekends and during the holiday? At least that way you would not be abandoning the family.
Quote:
I live in a remote area, taxicabs and carpooling are difficult.
Did you call around? Bet they would cut you a deal if you needed a ride each way for a long period of time.
Quote:
W admitted that over the past year or two it got to the point that she was hard on me because in her mind, she was just making a 'mental journal' of all my mistakes, overlooked the positive things and was very bitter and that's why she acted the way she did towards me. W admitted that was wrong but wanted me to understand how she felt. W asked me why was it ok for me to 'fall apart' and W didn't? W stated that she went through all the same 'hell' that I did and she didn't lose grip mentally as bad as I did. I told her that I was sorry and it wasn't fair, I should have gotten help for my problems a long time ago. W asked me why did my actions and feelings change for her when we was pregnant with S? (this is where R/M went downhill) I told her I didn't know and that's what I need to figure out. Maybe I wasn't ready to be a father yet.
We are M to the same woman my friend. Down to the kid thing. I was a terrible father until she dropped the bomb. We argued over how to raise the kids. And her attention was always on them - not me. My little boy inside was hurt. My W felt she held the whole thing afloat. She used the image of having to place her arms through the holes in the boat to keep it going. She finally ran out of arms.
When I did change she did notice but too late - she shut down. Did not trust I would remain changed. Easier to move on without me.
Get those books. Read.
Drop me an email at jbg223_at_knology.net. I can send you some reading material if you would like.
I tallied all the opinions I have recieved so far (not all on DB) 10=stay 6=go. All who say that I should go say I need to give a definitive return date and not leave it open ended.
I think the trust issue needs to be addressed with W. I think I need to go until I figure out transportation. I don't think I should stay away for any more than 60 days (IHD). I will be able to stay in house on weekends and visit family in the meantime over holidays so that helps matters. There will be communication and contact.
I'm going to try and figure out transportation this week, contact lawyer for consultation. If I can figure the transportation issue out at the last minute, I'll stay. I need a 'schedule and plan' on sentencing 12/11 and after that there is no changing anything. That is my deadline. I'll do whatever it takes to get my plan in place.
I will keep everyone posted on any new developments.
_________________________ Me: 38 W: 36 R 16 M 12 2 kids: S6, D4 Bomb: 10/22/07 Sep: 12/11/07 My First Thread, My Story
I was horrible at work, couldn't concentrate on anything. Luckily, my supervisor knows my sitch, went through something very similar and understands what I'm going through.
Tonite was the night to hang the xmas lights & decs w/kids, have some hot cocoa, watch xmas claymation. I had so much PMA eminating from me it was silly (not going to say why yet). I noticed one thing about myself tonight that was a 180. I was jolly instead of grumpy untangling and hanging the lights!! I believe W noticed because she was the scrooge tonite. I could feel the guilt or whatever it was from the moment I came home. I asked her if she was ok, could I help in anyway? W only stated it was her turn to be depressed. I didn't let it bother me. Had fun w/kids and myself.
I'll make this short (this is one reason why I was happy, because I've decided):
I'm on the virge again of calling off the move. I'm at the very least telling her I only leased apt to help alleviate her stress, give her some alone time (as she requested) for DUI sentencing and 2) (as she requested) alleviate her burden of driving me to work all the time until I resolve my transportation issue. I'm basically telling her that this is NOT a move out, just a 'time out'. Essentially, I am thinking of this as equivalent to a 'business trip'. I'm calling a lawyer tomorrow for consultation regarding my rights as well.
I'm telling her some/all of this as soon as I get my 'ducks in a row', next couple days, need to get legal advice, etc..:
1) 'my family is my life and everything else comes second.' 2) 'I'm not going to walk out on my family when they need me most'. 3) 'I am committed to my M vows and becoming the husband/father/person I need to be'. 4) 'Me leaving the M and family is the easy way out and I'm not doing things the easy way anymore, I'm doing what is right.' 5) 'Me leaving is the equivalent of what I have been doing for years, avoiding my problems not owning them.' 6) 'I will do what I have to do, you do what you have to do to be happy.'
At least if I do this, no matter what happens I can hold my head high and say I did what I thought was right and I stood behind my values, vows and principles.
Tell me what is wrong with that now, please? I'm asking again if I'm on the right track because this is what I'm feeling.
_________________________ Me: 38 W: 36 R 16 M 12 2 kids: S6, D4 Bomb: 10/22/07 Sep: 12/11/07 My First Thread, My Story
I'm telling her some/all of this as soon as I get my 'ducks in a row', next couple days, need to get legal advice, etc..:
1) 'my family is my life and everything else comes second.' 2) 'I'm not going to walk out on my family when they need me most'. 3) 'I am committed to my M vows and becoming the husband/father/person I need to be'. 4) 'Me leaving the M and family is the easy way out and I'm not doing things the easy way anymore, I'm doing what is right.' 5) 'Me leaving is the equivalent of what I have been doing for years, avoiding my problems not owning them.' 6) 'I will do what I have to do, you do what you have to do to be happy.'
At least if I do this, no matter what happens I can hold my head high and say I did what I thought was right and I stood behind my values, vows and principles.
Tell me what is wrong with that now, please? I'm asking again if I'm on the right track because this is what I'm feeling.
jaBRWok, What I see there is someone that is not buying into the divorce trap. Seeking legal advice is a smart thing. Knowledge is power. Keep the legal issue to yourself. You want to keep her from going on the defensive as much as possible in your interactions with her. Get the book as soon as possible. Keep your PMA going. It is hard to argue with a happy person.
