I Was Almost A WAW....Still (Next Thread)

[Dom R]

[quote=sandi2]

This sounds like things for me to do, but actually it is things he has to do on a regular basis b/c I do all I can to clear junk out, but he is the one that constantly piles it back in,

totaly understandable. he makes the mess, he should have to clean up the mess, in my opinion

The "date night" thing....I don't know if I'm ready for that yet, but something fun without pressure sure would be nice.

gotcha. "date" has some implications, that arent neccessary.
How about... ummm... just 'doing something fun together outside the house, at least once a week'?

Since cold weather is moving in, he may relent to wear sweat pants.

you dont have to "solve" that by yourself before saying anything.
The most important thing, is to first identify that you have an issue with him just wearing underware around the house.
Stay open to working out possible solutions at a later time, rather than trying to lock in a specific solution up front.
He might come up with a solution that you would never have thought of.

He might not, either... but you never know. Dont limit yourself to only solutions that you yourself can think of. Keep an open mind to working together.


as far as tax organization... at some point, you might suggest that he go talk to a .. erm... financial planner/advisor/counsellor/whatever they are called, for better ideas on how to organize himself, in a style that fits him best.

But aaaaannyways.... how about picking your top 3 from the list now?



PS: if for some reason, you reaaally feel like you'd like all 5 things worked on, becuase you cant pick a "top 3"... that might be a possibility.
Trouble is, it would neccessitate a whole lot more work on your part.
I dont think you are motivated enough, for the amount of work that would take. I think it's best to start small, and feel good about what happens when you suceed.
Kinda like what michelle says in the book, about aiming for "small goals" one at a time, rather than trying to solve everything at once?

[Dom R]

I can't get him to throw any papers away. Nothing! We've had our biggest fights over me throwing away old papers that didn't amount to anything. Outragious! He doesn't throw anything away and is constantly buying things he never uses.

PS: ONE possible "solution" to that kind of thing, is to sacrifice a room for "all his junk".
he can keep that room as messy as he wants... so long as he mostly keeps the door closed if you ever have company, and he keeps "his junk" in THAT ROOM. If he runs out of space in it... then either he has to stop buying new stuff, or he has to throw stuff away.

Just a thought, while I remembered.

Meanwhile... back to your "3 things"?

[sandi2]

Yep tried that too. When his room over-flowed.....it didn't bother him, he just let it run over into the rest of the house.

[Dom R]

Yep tried that too. When his room over-flowed.....it didn't bother him, he just let it run over into the rest of the house.

The thing is... you "let him", too.

If he agrees to that again... it should be with the explicit understanding that if he doesnt keep his crap under control... then you are going to take care of what is jointly your house, since he is not doing so.. and *you* will throw out any stuff that strays from that room.

After the first time he screws up,and you chuck something... I'm betting you will see a whooole lot more attention to that on his part Just make sure to get the agreement of, "if he doesnt take responsibility for the mess, you will", actually on paper, so that he doesnt forget that is what he actually agreed to, when the time comes.


Erm.... but thats just a POTENTIAL way to deal with this issue, though.
It's not the only way. But it could be one potential way.


Still waiting on your choice of "3 most important things"... have you run out of excuses yet?

You need to stop wasting your mental energy on reasons why "it wont work", and just identify your top 3 most important things from the list you have already made.

Once you have done that... THEN we can get more creative about potential solutions to them, like I have just done for that specific one.

no more excuses, mrs WAW?

[sandi2]

as far as tax organization... at some point, you might suggest that he go talk to a .. erm... financial planner/advisor/counsellor/whatever they are called, for better ideas on how to organize himself, in a style that fits him best

The lady that use to do our taxes tried everyway in the world to work with him, but he would not cooperate. He is not disciplined to do any of that paperwork or anthing he needs to do. I even offered to be his secretary and keep his bookwork if he would just bring in the recipts, I would take care of everything. He never did. When he got into his old truck after buying something to paint with, he would throw the receipt up on the dash and it would lay there until the sun would fade it out. He has his truck so junked and trashed until I just want to die when people see it.

So, I am at my wits end with him. He is not motivated to do much of anything. It's not that he is just downright lazy (at least, I don't want to think he is), but he is slow moving and it takes him a long time to get moving. He is not disciplined about much of anything. Once he gets to working, he works hard. But, my patience runs out real quick. I've learned not to say anything b/c it doesn't do any good and just causes hard feelings. He is very different from me.

[Dom R]

bump, so you notice I posted something while you were posting.

You seem to be stuck in WAW mode, due to the "he will never change" track.

I can tell you from personal experience, that you are mistaken.

So... first identify WHAT (top 3 things) you really need to have change, for you to be happier in your marriage. Then, we can talk further about "how".

[sandi2]

Still waiting on your choice of "3 most important things"... have you run out of excuses yet?

Well, I didn't know I was giving excuses, I thought I was explaining what those three things that were very important to me were. I must not be doing a very good job, so let me try again.

1. I want my H to have a fulltime working schedule so that we can depend upon steady income.

2. I want my H to be more organized with his business, pay bills and taxes on time, and keep his business related and personal things in a designated place and out of sight.

3. I want my H to stop bringing home "junk" to pile up in the back yard causing it to be an eye sore to the entire neighborhood.

Well, I need more numbers! But, even though you may not see how this would affect my MR....it does b/c it has built resentment over the years and he won't try to change. So, if he would start with those three things, I would be so very happy.

If he would even make out a list for me and what he would like for me to do or not to do......I would. I've tried to get him to do this before. As I've already told the story, and he would just say all he wanted was more sex. That would be a complete turn-off and disappointment to me. I was willing to work and to change whatever he wanted, but all he would say was...."just more sex". It made me feel as though he didn't put a second's worth of thought into any list at all. So, I haven't tried it anymore.

If I am still not doing what it is you asked of me, you'll have to draw me a picture....lol. Sorry, but I'm trying.

[Kettricken]

[quote=sandi2]

He has his truck so junked and trashed until I just want to die when people see it.

This caught my attention. Why does it matter so much to you, what people think about a vehicle that is not yours and that you have no responsibility for upkeeping? Why are you taking on shame for him?

When you talk about being embarrassed about your house, I can understand that, because it's shared territory, so you naturally feel a responsibility for how it looks.

But how much does that extend out to areas that only concern your husband? I know for myself, I used to expend *waaaayyyyyyyyy* too much emotional and mental energy on how my husband came across to others. It's true that I did care very much about it for *his* sake, but there was a big component of not wanting him to reflect badly on *me*, either, since we were "a couple". In truth, it's not my responsibility to try to micromanage how he presents himself to others. They'll admire him or they won't. If they don't, and by extension think less of me, that's *their* problem.

I only bring this up because I imagine it could be a big source of frustration/resentment in your marriage, one of many things you're having trouble getting past. You may benefit from thinking about this and emotionally detaching your self-identity and reputation from his as much as possible.

In your reading, have you read "Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch?

[Dom R]

Still waiting on your choice of "3 most important things"... have you run out of excuses yet?

Well, I didn't know I was giving excuses, I thought I was explaining what those three things that were very important to me were. I must not be doing a very good job, so let me try again.

oops.. sorry. me man. use small words/sentances. lol
was looking for a short, concise list. This does very nicely. thank you.

1. I want my H to have a fulltime working schedule so that we can depend upon steady income.

2. I want my H to be more organized with his business, pay bills and taxes on time, and keep his business related and personal things in a designated place and out of sight.

3. I want my H to stop bringing home "junk" to pile up in the back yard causing it to be an eye sore to the entire neighborhood.

Hmm.. all very big things!!
Thank you for being honest about your "top 3".

In a way, that's more than 3. I see:

• have a steady income
• be more professional financially
• Keep his business/personal things out of sight
• clean up the back yard, and keep it clean(er)

more coming later, for a "next step".

Well, I need more numbers! But, even though you may not see how this would affect my MR....it does b/c it has built resentment over the years and he won't try to change. So, if he would start with those three things, I would be so very happy.

oh, I COMPLETELY see how they would affect your marriage!

If he would even make out a list for me and what he would like for me to do or not to do......I would. I've tried to get him to do this before. As I've already told the story, and he would just say all he wanted was more sex. That would be a complete turn-off and disappointment to me. I was willing to work and to change whatever he wanted, but all he would say was...."just more sex". It made me feel as though he didn't put a second's worth of thought into any list at all. So, I haven't tried it anymore.

That's good information to re-share.

What this says to me is, that... at the time you asked, that was the #1 most important thing to him, and he was blinded by his testosterone, and couldnt think clearly about anything else.

That sounds kinda cliche.. almost silly.
But speaking as a man who has been sometimes "under the influence" of testosterone-induced stupidity in that fashion... I can wager a guess that it was probably true.

I'm betting that, while it is still "important" to him.... that he deals with his hormones a lot better now. So, i strongly believe, that now is a worthwhile time to try something similar again.

more coming....

[sandi2]

Hi Kettricken,

Thanks for your post. I bought the CD's to Passionate Marriage, but, I fall asleep before it finishes. I'm sorry to admit that, but it's true. I've got to try to listen other than when it is time to go to bed. It must be his soft voice that just lulls me to sleep.

Anyway, about the truck and all my H's junk. I suppose it was b/c of my grandmother and my mother and the way they raised me to be concerned about what others thought. They were fanatics about their house, yard, cars, etc. I'm not that bad, but you would have to see how bad it is to understand! I mean, you can see the trash on the dash board before you can see him when the truck is coming down the street. Nobody can ride with him b/c he has so much stuff in the cab of the truck, there is no room. And, we won't even mention how the back looks. I expect it to look like a painter's truck, don't get me wrong....but it doesn't look like a painter's truck, that's the problem.

I never had a lot growing up, but at least it didn't look like "trashy" people lived there. I can't stand for people to judge us by how our place looks. And, people do! I've heard people talk about other folks houses and yards, etc., so I know they do.

Maybe living in a small place makes a difference. Everyone knows everyone else. I can separate his truck from me, but the yard and house.....that's a different story.