WAW says "I'm filing for D", but no papers

[SirPrizeMe]

No problems - I need a jacket too, was thinking of a black one.

Sometimes I take the girls shopping or just doing something girlish with them. Sometimes I take the boys backpacking or camping, the girls aren't really into that. I look for ways to spend 1:1 time, but of course there's not so much time to go around.

PM, you wrote:

When one keeps justifying and defending their actions, such as the case of your W, Sir, then they are not ready to change.

Yes, I think you're right. Then again, sometimes I think we all have a little of that tendency, don't we? My C has told me, "you have a bit of the martyr syndrome." It's true, I seek pity, shout "I've been wronged!", rather than standing up, brushing myself off and doing what works. The martyr thing is not attractive. I know I do it and I'm working to stop it. Maybe my W could have found it easier to move toward me if I weren't so interested in being a martyr?

I have a Q:
W says that I've been abusive to her for 20 years. I know, "believe none of what you hear and half of what you see." But I do recognize some truth to her statement - In this M I have not been nurturing in the way she needed. In the past, I sometimes grudgingly gave approval to her ideas instead of supporting them wholeheartedly, some big things and some small. So there is some truth to it, though I also think her perception is way out of proportion. She said she gave up art "for me" - but that is what attracted me to her in the first place. I didn't want her to give up art! When she began drawing again, I fixed up a room as a studio for her! I loved that she was artistic and wanted to support her in that. Some good news, she is drawing again, which is great. Since the bomb, she has not drawn *anything*.

Anyway I recognize though, that in some ways I wasn't as nurturing as I could have been. I don't want to be that way; how do I show that I am changing? Friendly conversation is one way. I can do that, every time we meet. Do I write a letter? seems wayyyyy too pushy.

Do I just forget about this issue as a priority right now? Maybe I should put it in the "believe 0%" box and act "as if"?

One way I just thought of, is to support her and take an interest in her restarted art efforts.

(Martyr story: She told me that she was hanging up her older drawings, "to get inspired". This was after she had told me she was filing for D, after we had informed kids, but before papers arrived. Weak Sir responded: "oh, NOW you start drawing. NOW you are getting inspired. Too bad you couldn't do it before!" (before decision to file D, before I moved out, etc) Oh gosh, I wish instead I had taken the opportunity to just say "That's great! It's good to see you doing that again, I know you love drawing!" This was ~3 weeks ago .)


ps: While I am trying to lovingly distance, I am also continuing on the confront reality thing, which is hard for me. Apartment hunting, picking out appliances for my new place, I will be doing a household budget and will respond through the attorney to her about temporary orders. I hate that part. But I see it's necessary, regardless what happens.

Stay with me, guys.