Well, IC's going through another avoidance issue. I just wish I could get a better understanding of him and men in general as to why he / them won't talk or can't talk about certain things.
We went the other night to the ice rink where a bunch of his buddies where playing hockey, nothing competitive, just a bunch of guys goofing around. IC assured me that he was just going to skate a little....he's still wearing a fairly large knee brace that keeps his knee stable and given the situation, I felt pretty comfortable that he wasn't going to press anything and just take it easy. He shot some pucks and when the guys started getting more into "game" mode, IC knew he wasn't ready to play yet, so he skated off and went in the locker room to change. He seemed fine.
He came back out of the locker room with his large duffle bag of equipment, skates, sticks etc...and as he passed this teenage kid that IC has been watching, coaching if you will... IC drops all his stuff by the bench that the kid was sitting on lacing up his skates, pats the kid on the back and says, "here you go kid, good luck with it and keep at it....you've got what it takes" and then walks out of the building with me hurrying behind trying to keep up.
I don't know what it is...IC knows his knee is getting better. It was his first time back on the ice since he was hurt. IC, how can you judge how well your knee is going to respond by a mere 20 minute skate...to skate off the ice and what?? Give probably $1000.00 worth of equipment away...equipment that you use for the game that you love and walk away from it? And now to avoid talking to me not only about it, but about most anything in general.
What is it IC ? Is it the knee, the cancer...what? Is this an early sign that you're starting to give up?....If that's the case, don't you even fcking dare think of going there IC. If not for you, then for these 2 girls that want and need their dad. I NEED and WANT you around...for a long time. What is it...talk to me! I hate when you get into this avoidance, withdrawn state...nothing is so big that we can't deal with it, but you need to talk to me...please!
Can anyone help me out as to why men (or women, I guess) do this? We've gone over and over this as to how key it is to communicate with each other but yet here we are.......again
This may sound horrible, but my first thought is that he's allowing himself to feel sorry for himself.
I can't (and honestly don't want to) understand what he's going through w/ the knee & the cancer, but his actions sound like a little boy throwing a fit for attention and/or feeling sorry for themselves. My S7 did this the other night -- said he was crying in church b/c the pastor said something about giving your mom & dad a hug and he can't hug his dad. He said "grandma saw me crying and didn't say anything." In other words, he was wanting a reaction, not that he was just honestly sad.
There again, to me by not talking about it, it makes it an even bigger deal instead of talking about it, talking about how he's feeling and dealing w/ it.
Or maybe I'm just way off base and he's just trying to figure out what/how he's feeling and how to deal w/ it all and just isn't ready to talk about it yet b/c he hasn't gotten it figured out.
Those are just my thoughts when I read your post.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Can anyone help me out as to why men (or women, I guess) do this? We've gone over and over this as to how key it is to communicate with each other but yet here we are.......again
He may be communicating in ways you can't understand (that are obvious to other men) and in fact, may be frustrated that "you don't listen".
I read FWO after reading "For Men Only" just to see if the author has a clue so as to judge if anything in FMO was reliable. It was an eye opener to me what you women don't know about us. Everything in there was pretty much "eh? isn't this obvious?" It's a short book, I read it in work at lunch in just over an hour.
As for giving up the game, in my case, it wasn't fun anymore (for some of us) when you can't do what you used to years ago. Even pickup games matter. If we can't do it right, we either retire to coach or just stop. It wasn't recreational. Hockey mattered that much to do it right. In fact, I resented those people over the years who just wanted to screw around.
Giving the gear away could have been his way of passing the torch. Just a thought. I don't know your sitch, but just wanted to pass on one case where giving up hockey is normal behavior.
There again, to me by not talking about it, it makes it an even bigger deal instead of talking about it, talking about how he's feeling and dealing w/ it.
WOW, talk about great timing (this is all covered in the book I just mentioned ...)
Please don't try to make him talk about it. You will only make things worse.
I'm not a guy... but there were some activities that I excelled at as a kid. When you can't do it as well as you did... I was the same way. I gave it up. That's why athletes retire. If they are smart, they do it while they are on top.
And pushing IC to talk about it right now? Eh. Ms. IC, I think I'd just give him a bunch of hugs, some hand squeezes, and tell him if he wants to talk about it, you'll be more than happy to listen.
Sorry, hairdog... I disagree with you (but I still love you). Exiled is right
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Please don't try to make him talk about it. You will only make things worse.
Miss IC, you know that IC is capable of expressing himself. Just give him some time and space and let him know you want to know what's going on inside and you'll be ready to listen WHEN HE'S READY TO TALK.
Yeah, it was dramatic... tossing the expensive stuff to the kid with a line that might have been spoken by Gary Cooper or Ronald Reagan (in the movies), but it's a measure of how bad IC is feeling. AND THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF!!! Sometimes it happens, sometimes you need to do this.
From what we know of IC, this state of mind will morph into something else. He's not crazy or mentally unbalanced. He's a man who's grieving about a lot of things.
When his leg is back to 100%, buy some new hockey stuff. I think that would be appropriate to celebrate his "comeback" even if he hadn't given the other stuff away.
And who knows what effect that gift will have on the kid? It could be a turning point in his life.
Miss IC, try not to panic (I know it's hard). Give the man a little breathing room. I feel sure everything is okay. I know you rely on him to be strong for you, and when he shows what you interpret as "weakness," you feel that your foundation is shaky.
Let the man have his full range of emotion... not just the positive, hopeful, and optimistic, but the dark and despairing, too.
$1000 worth of equipment?! WTF IC?! Don't you know, you're just supposed to throw the kid your jersey?
I kept all the jersey's that meant anything to me, and the last stick I used each year of HS and university (the later paid for by hockey). Everything else I gave away.
Also, just because it cost $1000 doesn't mean you can get that much for it now. There isn't a big market for used jock straps, even on E*Bay. I just gave away 3 PC's, all costing 2-3 grand just a few years ago. Now, they are not worth the trouble of listing them for sale.
Honey, I'm not avoiding anything...at least I don't think I am. You say you want a better understanding of me / men in general as to why I can't or won't talk about certain things. What do you want me to say? I don't know if or how to even begin to say or write what or how I feel about this whole thing....in a way that can be easily understood.
It's not about my knee, the cancer,...the knee felt great, the leg felt ok....whatever.....it's not about any of that. It's about the heart, what I feel inside....I can't do it anymore. I don't know how this is going to come across or if it's going to get my POV understood but... When these buddies of mine are out there playing, it's fun for them. It's like a fantasy for them...when they go on the ice, they can act out and be whomever they want to be....they can be the Gretzkys, the Yzermans. It's a dream, a fantasy for them...the game is fun that way. It's like fantasizing about winning the multi-million dollar lottery....in most cases; it's a dream, it's not reality! I CAN'T do this ! When I skate out there, it's not a fantasy about going up against the greats...trying to duplicate the moves seen in the latest Wing's game. No, it's not about that at all....it's about me skating and playing in the shadows of a young 16-17 year old IC that had more talent than God with a hockey stick. It wasn't a dream or fantasy....it was reality. In other words, I had the winning lottery ticket.....it's just that I lost it before I got a chance to cash it in. And now I've spent the last 20 years searching for it....trying to prove to that ghost of the young IC, that I am still that good. Honey, he's always going to win. I'm never going to beat him or get out from under that shadow long enough to enjoy playing the game for what it is...a game.
There was a time when I would spend every waking moment on a slab of ice. Every morning, I was up long before day light, out on our frozen pond, under some make shift lighting and I would skate and play until time to catch the school bus. Goto hockey practice after school and return to that same frozen pond and play until the wee hours of the morning....WHY? Because I loved playing the game....it was fun. It's not fun anymore and it's taking me until now to realize that it hasn't been fun for 20 years now. I can't do it anymore, the heart just isn't in it.
I don't know if this is avoidance...I want to talk about this and get it behind me. I just don't know how to get across exactly what I'm feeling right now.
I haven't read up on the other posts, not ignoring anyone.
It's not fun anymore and it's taking me until now to realize that it hasn't been fun for 20 years now. I can't do it anymore, the heart just isn't in it.
