WAW staying, I'm leaving to give her space..

[jab]

This thread is getting big, may have to start a new one soon. I want to point out a couple of things.

1) The feedback is wonderful. I feel truly blessed! I am truly taking every comment seriously. There are alot of comments saying things I already know, I appreciate the 2x4's...not all were necessary because I already knew some of what was stated, but some were.

2) As far as moving out. I'm scared. The decision was rushed and it was a hard one to make. I don't think moving out is the best choice. There are a couple reasons why I chose to move forward with moving out. a) both counselors said in my sitch it is probably better for short term, not long term. C also things that I should figure out how to move back in with W ASAP b) I need time to figure out how I'm getting to/from job. c) I will still be in my home on weekends. d) I blew my chance of avoiding this in the beginning. W threatened D if I didn't do it, I have kids and don't want to displace them from our home....there are alot of reasons. I don't really care that much about losing the house, my priority is retaining and repairing our family.

3) The dating..In our conversation last night, I asked her because of my thoughts of a secret A going on. W said she planned on dating others in the future. W said to ME that I should date others. I just posted my response to her that I didn't plan on it but who knows what I will think a few months from now. I was honest about it.

4) I found out alot of things in our conversation last night. W revealed the REAL reason for her wanting a D (and it was what I thought). The drinking was the 'last straw', not the real cause. The REAL reason is this (and I'll try to quote her as accurately as possible: "When she met me she thought of me as a strong, good looking, happy, outgoing and fun person to be with. What W ended up with was a weak, angry, depressed, indifferent, emotional wreck that acted like he didn't want to be around W or cared about W. W wanted a person to be 'into her' and I wasn't. I agreed with her 100% that that's the way I was and I want to change that, that I REALLY AM INTO HER even though I didn't act like it, I was an idiot. W admitted that over the past year or two it got to the point that she was hard on me because in her mind, she was just making a 'mental journal' of all my mistakes, overlooked the positive things and was very bitter and that's why she acted the way she did towards me. W admitted that was wrong but wanted me to understand how she felt. W asked me why was it ok for me to 'fall apart' and W didn't? W stated that she went through all the same 'hell' that I did and she didn't lose grip mentally as bad as I did. I told her that I was sorry and it wasn't fair, I should have gotten help for my problems a long time ago. W asked me why did my actions and feelings change for her when we was pregnant with S? (this is where R/M went downhill) I told her I didn't know and that's what I need to figure out. Maybe I wasn't ready to be a father yet. I stated that was why I wanted C, to figure out what happened, understand it, prevent it from reoccuring again. I told W that C wasn't all about me trying to change her mind, it was about trying to understand what happened to us. There were alot of other comments, all valid, too many to list. W also admitted some of her faults in the past, I was thankful for that see things in a different perspective now that she finally talked and not argued about her feelings.

5) If I said today that I'll never have a drop of alcohol again for the rest of my life I'd be either a liar or a fool! I can say this...I will come out of this a better person. I am committed to become sober and I'm making ALOT of progress, I probably will slip but I'm committed to being sober for good. I am doing this for myself and not just to impress my W. I won't go back to my previous self. This will NOT happen to me again!

6) I can't just go to the bookstore. Everywhere I drive, it's driving illegal and if I get caught, I'm in deep s***! I'm trying to avoid this as much as possible. I live in a remote area, taxicabs and carpooling are difficult. I have few friends that live near me. I need to figure out how to get transportation to/from work without burdening my W, this is a big reason for the S! She feels burdened with this!

7) I need to get my head 'screwed on straight'. Another reason why I think it will be good to temporarily S. I don't want to cause any more damage. Our house is not big enough for me to get a 'seperate room'. I still need to figure out some things before I make any irrational decisions. I have alot of information to 'digest' right now. I lost the battle but need to regroup my mental army to win the war.

8) Jeff, what happened to you is EXACTLY what I am fearing will happen to me. I'm taking all your responses seriously. I have a few days where I can still 'call it all off'. I need to allow myself to make the 'best' decision based on everything I know and can do at the moment. W does need me financially and logistically for child care. I don't think she's going to do anything in the next 60 days to screw herself. If she screws me, she's screwing herself too. If I do move out (which I think I have to), I plan on moving back ASAP.

9) I'm going to talk to a lawyer. It's on my 'todo' list this week.

10) One of the big things that came up in conversation last night is W's lack of TRUST in me to follow through with the things I need to do (talk is cheap) to allow our M to be repaired. She doesn't trust me giving her time and space, allow her to go out with friends unconditionally. She doesn't trust that I won't go on a 'bender' or start drinking again. She doesn't trust that I won't become depressed, angry and mentally weak again. She doesn't trust that I will become more 'into her' and not act indifferent again. W said that will take time for her to trust what I am saying I will do and alot of consistency on my part moving forward. All valid arguments by W. I don't have a good track record. I've had some major problems with all of these the past 3 years or so.

Ok, so I have one question. If I should stay in house, how do I approach W and attempt to stay at this point? How in the heck am I going to bring up THAT subject without it blowing up in my face. I tried it a week or two ago and it literally 'BLEW UP'.

I am guessing that I have to say to W that as far as dating and my plans, my stance is different than what I said last night, I don't plan on dating and I plan on saving our family and moving back into house as soon as I can figure out how I get transportation on my own. Is this what is being told to me?