Honey, I'm not avoiding anything...at least I don't think I am. You say you want a better understanding of me / men in general as to why I can't or won't talk about certain things. What do you want me to say? I don't know if or how to even begin to say or write what or how I feel about this whole thing....in a way that can be easily understood.
It's not about my knee, the cancer,...the knee felt great, the leg felt ok....whatever.....it's not about any of that. It's about the heart, what I feel inside....I can't do it anymore. I don't know how this is going to come across or if it's going to get my POV understood but... When these buddies of mine are out there playing, it's fun for them. It's like a fantasy for them...when they go on the ice, they can act out and be whomever they want to be....they can be the Gretzkys, the Yzermans. It's a dream, a fantasy for them...the game is fun that way. It's like fantasizing about winning the multi-million dollar lottery....in most cases; it's a dream, it's not reality! I CAN'T do this ! When I skate out there, it's not a fantasy about going up against the greats...trying to duplicate the moves seen in the latest Wing's game. No, it's not about that at all....it's about me skating and playing in the shadows of a young 16-17 year old IC that had more talent than God with a hockey stick. It wasn't a dream or fantasy....it was reality. In other words, I had the winning lottery ticket.....it's just that I lost it before I got a chance to cash it in. And now I've spent the last 20 years searching for it....trying to prove to that ghost of the young IC, that I am still that good. Honey, he's always going to win. I'm never going to beat him or get out from under that shadow long enough to enjoy playing the game for what it is...a game.
There was a time when I would spend every waking moment on a slab of ice. Every morning, I was up long before day light, out on our frozen pond, under some make shift lighting and I would skate and play until time to catch the school bus. Goto hockey practice after school and return to that same frozen pond and play until the wee hours of the morning....WHY? Because I loved playing the game....it was fun. It's not fun anymore and it's taking me until now to realize that it hasn't been fun for 20 years now. I can't do it anymore, the heart just isn't in it.
I don't know if this is avoidance...I want to talk about this and get it behind me. I just don't know how to get across exactly what I'm feeling right now.
I haven't read up on the other posts, not ignoring anyone.
