If I went into a bar and some strange dude gave off the vibe my 2bx gave off when I was thinking about getting laid, I wouldn't have dreamed of approaching him. Every one of my feminine "seek someone reasonably 'safe' with whom to have sex" alarms would have sounded. I got sexually hurt in my marriage because I turned off those alarms when I said "I do."
Ignoring alarms early in the R... how many of us did that?
I know I did.
And I wonder how many LD people considered a lot of sex early in the R to be an alarm, but they said to themselves, "Oh well, that will change..."
I will be getting that book, Corri. I'm always up for reading good stuff, I've got NMMNG, SSM, not to mention a few other relationship books.
I'll answer some of the other postings later, but for now I'm faced with a dilemma - I've decided that tomorrow night is her night off and I'm going to probably spend some quality time with my brother, something I haven't done in months. She may bark about it being "the family night" together, so I'm wondering how to approach that.
We've also barely spoken since last weekend, our schedules don't match anyway, but we often talked during the day by phone. Its been pretty much "hi, goodbye" every day.
The other dilemma is she has that xmas party coming up this Saturday. Its something I do look forward to, however, given the current state how I feel (very distant right now), and knowing it would most likely result in the alcohol sex, would it be a good idea to simply tell her I don't want to go? FWIW, asking her not to drink ain't gonna work - I'll get the "you don't control me" lecture. Or do we have to start some kind of dialogue now?
Me: 52 Her: 48 2D 26 & 16 M: 25 years (together 30) EA/discovered by accident Valentines day 2016 Admitted SOME physical but no IC. We know that's a lie. Status - tryin to R
When you live with an alcoholic, it's so hard to avoid making decisions without reference to how they are going to react.
Do YOU want to go to the party? If you want to go, then go. If you don't (because you don't want to face the alcohol sex thing) then don't.
If you do go, and the opportunity for sex comes up, you can decide then,
The hardest thing for me was trying to figure out what was the "right" thing to say to him or the "wrong" thing. I geared my responses and readtions to how I thought he was going to react.
They say the alcohol is addicted to alcohol. The partner is addicted to the alcoholIC.
Does she drink every night? No. Does she drink every weekend? No. She socially drinks - and has a low tolerance to boot.
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If you do go, and the opportunity for sex comes up, you can decide then
Thats like leading a starving man to a buffet and asking him not to eat.
Last edited by Stormchaser; 12/05/0705:53 PM.
Me: 52 Her: 48 2D 26 & 16 M: 25 years (together 30) EA/discovered by accident Valentines day 2016 Admitted SOME physical but no IC. We know that's a lie. Status - tryin to R
I'm faced with a dilemma - I've decided that tomorrow night is her night off and I'm going to probably spend some quality time with my brother, something I haven't done in months. She may bark about it being "the family night" together, so I'm wondering how to approach that.
We've also barely spoken since last weekend, our schedules don't match anyway, but we often talked during the day by phone. Its been pretty much "hi, goodbye" every day.
I'd tell her exactly what you just wrote. Tell her it isn't her, per se, it is the situation and you aren't feeling close right now. So... you are going to spend some QT with your brother. If she barks... that is HER problem. Sooth yourself through your anxiety when this occurs by telling yourself that you deserve to have time to yourself. It's not like you are abandoning your family.
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The other dilemma is she has that xmas party coming up this Saturday. Its something I do look forward to, however, given the current state how I feel (very distant right now), and knowing it would most likely result in the alcohol sex, would it be a good idea to simply tell her I don't want to go?
If I were writing this situation to you... what would you tell me? Seriously.
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FWIW, asking her not to drink ain't gonna work - I'll get the "you don't control me" lecture. Or do we have to start some kind of dialogue now?
She's a big girl. You've told her how you felt about drinking/sex. She's the one who is choosing. If you don't have enough self-discipline to stand up for your own beliefs, there really isn't anything WE can do here to help you. It's like a smoker saying... "I can't quit because it's hard." kwis?
If you don't want to fix the R, or at least try, that's okay. But stop blaming her for your own lack of discipline. It isn't fair.
It is often said that a "strong" male presence is attractive to women. But there are different ways of expressing strength. One way is to exert power and control over another person. That way leads (at best) to complicit behavior, which frankly I doubt most people want in their spouses (let me hear it Cemar ... "I want desire"). Another way to show strength is in steadfastly doing the right thing. That way leads to respect, and can lead to the person accepting your needs as valid of their own free will.
As an example, let's say my W is sexual 2% of the time, something I find unacceptable in a M. I can be very "strong" and pressure her constantly to up that percentage. But if she does, why is she doing it? Is it a healthy change? What will most likely happen if the pressure lets up? Do I want to live in an M in which I am constantly pressuring the person to do as *I* want?
Or what I can do is nurture the 2%, so that it can become something that she sees on her own as positive. And during the 98% of the time, I back off and let her find her own way back to the 2% (which hopefully will increase as time goes by). It does not mean I accept the fact that it is only 2%, it does not mean that put on a fake happy face. It does not mean that when asked I lie and say "nothing's wrong." It also doesn't mean that I stop doing romantic/loving things if I truly want to do those things for their own sake. It just means I am willing to give her the time and space that she needs to figure out what she wants for herself. In the meantime I will do what I need to do, within the bounds of my morality, to be happy. Accepting someone's right to do the wrong thing, while maintaining an intention to do the right thing, is a position of strength. It shows strength of character in a long-term frame of reference.
In the end though, there are no guarantees. It may be that no matter how right you are in your behavior, the other person may choose the wrong path. It might also mean that at some point you both realize that you are incompatible. So be it. Then you have to decide if that is a reason to sever your partnership agreement ... aka marriage.
IMHO of course Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
The other dilemma is she has that xmas party coming up this Saturday. Its something I do look forward to, however, given the current state how I feel (very distant right now), and knowing it would most likely result in the alcohol sex, would it be a good idea to simply tell her I don't want to go? FWIW, asking her not to drink ain't gonna work - I'll get the "you don't control me" lecture. Or do we have to start some kind of dialogue now?
This is where you have to grow a pair. Attending xmas part does not equal alcohol sex, UNLESS YOU ALLOW IT TO. Do you want to attend the xmas party? If so, then go. Do you want to have crap alcohol sex afterwards? If not, then don't. Do you want your W do get drunk at the party? If not, state your preference. Asking someone not to drink is interfering with personal choice. Asking someone to not get drunk is a perfectly reasonable thing to do. If she responds the way you say she will, let her know with body language that her response is inappropriate.
I understand and certainly empathize with your starved state leading to temptation. But the only way to break a bad habit is to stop it. Drunken sex may be good for temporary penile happiness, but it is bad for your R and thus long term penile happiness. An LTR is an LTR, you have to use long term solutions even if they suck in short term
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
If I were writing this situation to you... what would you tell me? Seriously.
Deep breath:
I would say, don't go. A line has to be drawn in the sand. This party is important to her, and what better way to show how damn serious you are by telling her that unless things change, there will be no more "us". People will ask at the party why I'm not there and I'm sure she'll make up some kind of bullshit excuse because she doesn't want anyone to know the truth; that the image of our Norman Rockwell picture perfect relationship is shattered.
My own lack of discipline. My own lack of discipline. Wash, rinse, repeat.
I've borrowed this from the DB forums and made some adjustments to tailor my situation. Here goes..
"There is really little justification for avoiding sex with me for two weeks at a time. None. This is important to me, I feel emotionally connected with you when my physical needs are met, yet when tv shows, days out with the girlfriends, phone calls, napping, etc take a higher position of your time and energy than I do, I feel rejected. I feel unloved. I feel as if you'd rather run a few miles with your friends than spend 10 minutes making love to me. Our marriage is going to be in real trouble if your job continues to be a bigger priority than a healthy sex life with me. I don't think I can make this any more clear"
Me: 52 Her: 48 2D 26 & 16 M: 25 years (together 30) EA/discovered by accident Valentines day 2016 Admitted SOME physical but no IC. We know that's a lie. Status - tryin to R
That's all good, Storm. But you still have anger and resentment creeping through, at least to my ear.
Before you tell her what you think she is doing wrong, you need to know what you've done to contribute in making this situation. THEN when you have the conversation, it can be along 'No Fault' lines. For example:
"There is a dynamic going on in our M that I think we need to address. I feel unloved. I feel as if you'd rather run a few miles with your friends than spend 10 minutes making love to me. Which probably makes me seem very needy and clingy to you. I would imagine when you feel this from me, you feel a need to put distance between us. The more I pursue, the more distance you need. And the more distance you need, the more I pursue. Can you see how we are doing this to one another?"
See the difference? You BOTH have created this situation, and there is plenty of blame to go around. She needs to understand that what she is doing is a natural response to your neediness. (And if the situation ever reverses, you'll feel the same way). She doesn't need to feel guilty about her normal reactions. But... she isn't off the hook, either.
So you say that 'no fault' statement to her... and propose to her, as getting a solution going, not going to the Xmas party with her, because it will lead to drunk/sex... and you can explain how that makes you feel.
Is that making any sense? Part of resolving the issue is also communicating to her about it... or she is going to start making assumptions (probably erroneous ones at that). So be honest.
