Love, PAIN and the Whole Crazy Thing

[mcol]

Good morning all...this is my first post. Those of you who are Keith Urban fans will recognize my title which pays some service to my current situation. Here is the my sich:
M:34
W:33
S:8
D:3
S:18mos

I am an Army officer currently serving in Afghanistan. Two months prior to deploying my wife lost her father in a tragic truck accident. If I have read Michelle's book right (I owe myself a second read), she meets the following criteria: Depressed, WAW, EA possible PA but unconfirmed.

Things had been going great up until about a month ago. I have submitted my resignation paperwork, after much pleading (problem #1)from W. I have enjoyed my time in the service but the Army I joined is not the Army of today and my family is seriously at risk. The Army used to make fun of families saying, "If the Army wanted you to have a family they would have issued you one", our leaders pay lip service to the family but mission comes first and our missions completely leave families in the cold because we have to leave. My wife sent me a letter of concern (not dear jon because she is still around) basically saying that I needed to make my decision taking into consideration that she may not be in my life. WTF?? No idea things had gotten this way. Turns out that she has been talking to many new friends she met online and they all encouraged her not to say how she was feeling. The only reason why she told me was that I submitted my paperwork partially for her, and she wanted me to be sure of my motives.

Needless to say I was severely irate, blindsided and all the other appropriate emotions you can imagine. I had come home for my midtour about 4 weeks prior to the letter and while I noticed a difference in her actions/attitude I attributed this to the grief over her loss.

Skip forward 4 weeks from the letter and I have returned to the US to attend some conferences. I did not know about the EA/possible PA until now. Ha ha...blindsided yet again. She has told everyone that she does not want us discussing her when she is not around. I tried to respect this until my SIL was able to tell me all about Divorce Remedy and what my W was doing.

My biggest problem is that this OM jackass has moved in to fill the emotional void I could not fill due to my deployment. Sadly, I will not return for good for another 3 months, I am scared that a PA will be solidified in my absence (projecting yes but how can't I) and things will be further toward D for her.

My S,D,S are also suffering immensely. My W anger over her losing her father and me has caused to not want to be "a wife, a mother". Thankfully my MIL, SIL and BIL are all scratching their heads like me.

My W is not out of reach. She and I have had time to be alone while I have been around, however, she has this dead look in her eyes as though she has given up.

I am against a wall due to this damn deployment and am trying not to grasp. I thank God for my SIL who succesfully employed the techniques after her H had a PA. They have come through their situation and I pray for the same resolution.

Reading online helps to know that I am not alone, however, I wake up in the middle of the night almost physically ill because of the sich. This sucks!! I want more than anything to hold her and be there for her because she needs me but I know that I cannot give her that right now. Kids are my #1 priority right now and I am getting lots of support from both families since I am gone. When I get out, I will move to where my kids and wife are to be close to them and be very much involved in my kids lives, just wish I did not have to rekindle my marriage while trying to make up for being gone.

Whew!!! That was the second time I typed this. The first time I felt too immature to post. Now having read Michelle's book I feel more able to express what is going on and able to interact with all advice...please help.

Mcol