Just journaling today; coming on the site really helps me keep all of this at the front of my mind, and for me, that has been key. I have a tendency to let things slide if I do not prioritize them, so my Dbing and M have become central parts of my daily life (even little things like my voicemail code or my login are linked to my H so that I find myself thinking about him and maybe sending him a little note or message when I would have been WORK WORK WORK in the past).
The weekend was good. H was a bit under the weather, so not as much ML as I had hoped although he did feel better on Sunday night to save that part of the weekend before the bell:) I have found that my "new" routines of always being groomed and nicely dressed have really revved up my own SD. There is something about being shaved, waxed, lotioned, and combed that makes you feel "perfect" even when you are not (Also gives H a chance to "admire" my bikini wax: sorry too much information__blush). I have even declared (to myself) that life is too short to wear ugly PJS. I have done away with the flannel and always go to bed in a beautiful nightie. Seems to be working. Keep at it.
The phone continues to be out and set to ring out loud, so I continue to view this as a sign of "nothing to hide."
All of this just seems so weird in a way. In August, he ILYBINILWY. In September, he is the coldest and most distant H on earth with no care for me or my needs and no interest in physical contact, just a cold fish peck in the morning. In October, he starts to thaw and we talk more easily, go out on a couple of "dates," and we restart ML. By November, much of our relationship is "back on track," even better than before because I am being honest about my feelings and needs (I was a horrible "deflecter" before and got upset about stupid things because I had not gotten upset about the real things that were bothering me). He, too, is voicing his ideas more, something he had trouble with before, and he is saying now how much he likes and notices my "changes." In some ways, if not for the absence of the ILY, things would seem normal. I do not want to complain b/c as I know from regularly checking on the newcomers board, I am in an enviable place to many, but it is like living in "Bizarro" world sometimes, where things are an inverted version of reality. Sigh. Will things ever really be normal again? Will I know that my divorce is busted?
Some Goals:
Some company is coming this weekend, so I am excited about that. H is such a social animal, and he loves to be a good host. I will work to be a great hostess.
Also, I feel that I am sometimes not pulling my weight with the kids sometimes. Things that bother H just don't bother me (crying, messy eating, etc...), but I need to remember that they really count for him, and I need to pitch in and nip these in the bud so that they don't escalate into sitches that really drive him off the deep end emotionally and make him feel like the patients are running our asylum.
