WAW says "I'm filing for D", but no papers

[SirPrizeMe]

Hoooha! I feel strong!!! Pud, CVA, mako, Heimlich, Woog, jon... You all are soooo helpful to me.

Why am I charged up? (remember, papers have been filed!) Let me count the ways:

1. I just had a 45 minute conversation with my wife on the phone! I was cheerful and upbeat and pleasant. And so was she, mostly. Woohoo! I'm thankful for that alone.
2. I called for a couple reasons - we have Christmas coming up, and S10's birthday, and this week's visits with kids, and some other things. We are agreeing on everything. This is great!
3. I'm going to take the kids to dinner tomorrow. Every Wed she attends a bible study group. I'm supportive, plus it gives me the chance to see the kids. I did it last week, it's always enjoyable. But on this call I expressed some concern that they get very sleepy in the evening. Last week at 8pm they had their heads on the table in the restaurant. She understood - said we could play it by ear. I could call her if they get too sleepy. So this is good! Cooperation. (Just_Me - I know, it's a tiny positive. I'm being realistic. But at least it's not a negative. We have pleasant conversations and can agree on "it's bad if the kids are so sleepy at night that they lay their heads on the restaurant table".)
4. We're splitting the xmas shopping for the kids. Woohoo! We always did it this way. I am glad she's open to doing it this this way again. She reached out to me, saying, "maybe that is too complicated (shopping), since you have work." I told her, "I have tons of free time after work! It'll be fun!" (I know she has no free time in the evenings with 4 kids)
5. she again invited me to spend xmas morning with her and the kids. Woohoo! Great!!! I am glad for this too.
6. For S10's bday we are ALL going out to dinner. Woohoo! Another victory! In the words of Marv Albert, YESSSSSSSSSSSS!
7. I'm going out of town next weekend; guys weekend away. I told her that. (GAL on display)
8. Finally, I'm also thankful for REALITY setting in.
   For a long time I wanted my situation to go away. But W had filed D papers and it ain't gonna go away. So I gotta deal. So I called to discuss the budget. I told her that I need a place to live. I need a palce with 3 br's, so the kids can stay. I told her I'd like to have them more often and for longer periods than I have them now (I am staying at a friend's house). And my atty advised me (and I told her this) to stop spending savings, and start living on my income. So that means selling our house -which means she has to move. I asked her if she's come up with a budget for herself (any guesses out there?)...I asked if she has looked for a house to rent, if she has thought about the area where she will live, etc. (any guesses?) I asked "Are you ready for this?" Her reply: "I guess so."
   
   It is amazing to me that she doesn't have a budget plan. Even after all the comments like "she isn't facing reality", I didn't think it was possible. She's intelligent and educated. But still, she somehow was convinced that she would not be forced to move.
   
   She asked me, how will I have the kids during the week, if I have a job? I told her I'd be changing jobs, working less, making less money, but working more flexible hours. So that would further reduce our budget. But I need to spend more time with the kids, sooo... that's what I'm going to do. She seemed surprised by this(?).
   
   I was pleasant all along. During the "do you have a budget, are you ready to move" conversation, her voice became noticeably shaky, though her tone did not change. We continued to have pleasant conversation. Actually I was very pleased to listen to her and talk with her for another 30 minutes after that. I would have talked all night. Come to think of it, maybe I should have rung off earlier. But I was very happy just listening to her voice, just listening to her talk. (Oh, one day maybe I'll get to do this in person!) It was a really good conversation, just chitchat about this and that. I loved just being in her presence, just hearing her voice (is this detachment?) though I did not say anything like that. Just friendly chat.
   
   BTW, when we agreed to all go out to dinner on S10's bday, this was after the budget / housing discussion, with the shaky voice.
9. oh, and she asked me, about our plans to have dinner all together (it will be the first dinner all together in more than 3 months~! Woohoo!), "can you handle this?" And I said (incredulous), "Me? Sure! it's going to be fun!" And she said "I won't bite you." (Oh! My heart breaks! I think she still thinks I am angry with her, don't want her, etc. etc. I want to tell her I still love her, I still want her back, but I don't say it! I won't say it! )

On 11/26, on my thread (this thread) Pudmuddle snafu wrote:

...you have a lot of positives on your side to help you through this maddening journey. Your W needs to be faced with the realities of the situation she is causing. By leaving her alone to realize these, she will come to this conclusion faster than if you force it for her. That will make her want to run away that much more.

Pud, you were sooooooo right.

I don't know what will happen, but the DB/DR stuff is working. My M may still distintegrate, but DBing is making me feel good about myself, helping me to be strong, and it is allowing me to lovingly permit her to face reality. I was afraid before, afraid to face reality MYSELF, but today, not so much.

Deep breath.
ok.

[Heimlich]

Sound good, Sir. As you note, a fair number of nice positives in that you and your W are being friendly. I will tell you that my W and I get along quite well, so don't expect any quick movement on your W's part back toward you. Just to reinforce, keep the pressure off.

In the words of Marv Albert, YESSSSSSSSSSSS!

Now, don't bite her

BD

[mako]

Yeah Sir, good for you. Sounds like a good day to me.

My M may still distintegrate, but DBing is making me feel good about myself, helping me to be strong, and it is allowing me to lovingly permit her to face reality. I was afraid before, afraid to face reality MYSELF, but today, not so much.

This is excellent and I think a big part of what DBing is all about.

[Not Much Left]

Good stuff SPM.
Nice attitude, hell your pulling me into your world with you attitude, it has to affect your W!

How have you been able to feel like your GALing w/ the 4 kids which has been the hardest thing in theworld for me.

C

[SirPrizeMe]

CVA, How to GAL with 4 kids? In my case, the kids are at home, I am the one who is away.

I see them on the weekends, we have fun. I had them the entire weekend last 2 weekends. Dinner & a movie, hanging out, go to the library, do homework, read together, y'know, regular family stuff.

When I am not with them, I do other stuff. Go visit friends. I went shopping last night - new jeans, cologne, some cool shirts for my boys, early xmas shopping (early for me). Bball game. Workout. Call people (but resist talking about R with anyone). Apartment/house hunting. I'm planning the guys weekend away.

BD, that sounds like good advice, stay cool, don't expect any quick movement, keep the pressure off,. . . Keep fingers crossed....

Today... another excellent chance to show her my best! I get the kids for dinner, which means we meet. I will be friendly. Cheery. I will look good and smell good. I will look for something nice about her and mention it. I will smile. I will watch her eyes. I will have time to chat, I will listen to what she has to say. I will leave her with something memorable.

[Poison thought: when she offered to tell me where the key was, on Thanksgiving, this was after she changed the locks, why didn't I accept her invitation? Fear! Fear of being arrested! Ah well. What's done is done. I'm still going...]

[Heimlich]

Sir,
Don't get CVA talking about clothes!

Talking about the 4 kids (glad we stopped at two, phew, that's hard enough), CVA did you ever start spending time each week, or now and again, one on one with each of them? Thought I'd mention it, because it might be something that you could do too, Sir. Make a "date" with each kid monthly (or whatever frequency works). Just a thought.

BD

[Pudmuddle]

There is also a fine line between self-respect and not being willing to change. When one keeps justifying and defending their actions, such as the case of your W, Sir, then they are not ready to change.

This also applies to all of us here. I see this in certain people that have been here a long time on this board and after all this learning of DB they still do not seem ready to change. They confuse the self-respect with the stubbornness of thinking if they change they will lose themselves. I have found this change to be quite the opposite, in fact it was liberating to know I could change if I was willing to humble myself a bit.

Just my four cents (wink to PC!).

[Not Much Left]

Here we go!!! Clothes, time to buy some more, SPM has me inspired! Bought a Black Velvet Blazer (very cool for you guys who dont know such things, goes w/ Jeans or whatever, ladies??? Please confirm!) and with the new physique, only have 2 pair of Jeans that really fit well so....

Anyhow, yeah, have been trying to take each of the kids 1:1 every once in a while. Still struggling w/ D11, W always seems to get her alone on weekends to go do something as I spend time w/ 3 boys.

SPM, I have just found it very difficult to spend more than a day away from my kids, I am sure you can relate. How are yours dealing with the sitch?

C

[Pudmuddle]

Hi CVA,

Black Velvet? That isn't like one of those dogs smoking cigars paintings is it... totally kidding. It sounds very nice especially with nice fitting jeans. Send us a pic!

It must be hard to be away from your kids and try to get one on one with each, especially when you have 4. wow.

[Heimlich]

Ohhhh, velvet. I love velvet. Nice, CVA. Once I knock off this last 20 pounds, I'm going shopping. I'll keep a velvet blazer in mind.

OK, sorry, Sir.

the last few posts reminds me of your boobs and botox thread, CVA.